Browsing All Posts filed under »Random Humor«

I Have Good News and Bad News

May 10, 2011

66

If someone says they have good news and bad news and asks which I want to hear first, I always reply, “Give me the good news first,” because there’s always a chance I might die before they get to the bad news. Sometimes you choose hearing the good news first, but the good news also […]

Your Beautiful Receptionist Half Your Age Fails in Her Attempts to Compliment Your New Hairstyle

April 11, 2011

55

Yes, ma’am, you may be growing older, but you don’t feel old, you don’t act old, and you’re still beautiful, and I’m sorry I called you ma’am just then. Or maybe you do feel old, act even older, and are perfectly aware the beauty ship sailed off into the sunset years ago. Your beautiful, perky […]

Things I Carry in My Pocket for the Sole Purpose of Confusing the Police in the Event of My Untimely Death

April 7, 2011

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I hope to live a long and multiple award-winning life, but in the event of my untimely death my last thoughts will be on the police officers rifling through my pockets as they investigate the crime. In addition to my wallet and house keys they will find: 1. An elaborate treasure map leading to the […]

Dr. Morality

March 12, 2011

6

I’m willing to listen to my doctor when he limits his advice to health issues. But I bristle when he begins giving me unsolicited counsel on morality! Who gave him the moral authority to call one cholesterol ‘good’ and another cholesterol ‘bad’? Isn’t that for God to decide?

Big government versus limited government

March 6, 2011

9

I’ve heard some very persuasive arguments against big government. But I’ve also heard great counter-arguments touting the government’s ability to regulate more efficiently and with more transparency than private enterprise. But can’t all political parties come together to find common ground and agree that some branch of government must get involved and stop Vin Diesel […]

You will have fun on your vacation…or else!

March 5, 2011

8

I was struck by the serious, no-nonsense expressions on these representatives of a vacation home rental service, and the following thoughts came to mind: 1. “We had so much fun working together as CIA interrogators, it seemed only natural to start a business together in the hospitality industry!” 2. Survey from a Satisfied Customer: “The […]

How to Meet Men

March 4, 2011

8

Hey ladies, having trouble meeting men?   Did you know if you borrow money and refuse to repay it, men will come right to your door?    

What I’m Thinking About While You’re Talking

February 27, 2011

5

My wife thinks I take too long picking a shirt in the morning…but in the movies, when someone dies, his ghost is stuck wearing those same clothes for eternity.

I’ll Never Sell Out!

February 26, 2011

4

When I was a kid I swore I would never sell out… …but nobody ever asked me to.  Not even once. Now I would give anything to have that chance. If you hear of any sell-out opportunities, let me know.

32″ Samsung HD TV, perfect for watching TV!

February 23, 2011

1

Here’s an ad I recently posted on Craigslist: Samsung LA32C350D1 HD TV for sale! Do you like watching television? Then why not watch television on your very own 32” Samsung HD TV? Use this TV for watching movies starring Ben Affleck! Or Matt Damon! Or maybe a movie starring both Ben Affleck and Matt Damon! […]