If someone says they have good news and bad news and asks which I want to hear first, I always reply, “Give me the good news first,” because there’s always a chance I might die before they get to the bad news. Sometimes you choose hearing the good news first, but the good news also […]
April 11, 2011
Yes, ma’am, you may be growing older, but you don’t feel old, you don’t act old, and you’re still beautiful, and I’m sorry I called you ma’am just then. Or maybe you do feel old, act even older, and are perfectly aware the beauty ship sailed off into the sunset years ago. Your beautiful, perky […]
April 7, 2011
I hope to live a long and multiple award-winning life, but in the event of my untimely death my last thoughts will be on the police officers rifling through my pockets as they investigate the crime. In addition to my wallet and house keys they will find: 1. An elaborate treasure map leading to the […]
March 12, 2011
I’m willing to listen to my doctor when he limits his advice to health issues. But I bristle when he begins giving me unsolicited counsel on morality! Who gave him the moral authority to call one cholesterol ‘good’ and another cholesterol ‘bad’? Isn’t that for God to decide?
March 6, 2011
I’ve heard some very persuasive arguments against big government. But I’ve also heard great counter-arguments touting the government’s ability to regulate more efficiently and with more transparency than private enterprise. But can’t all political parties come together to find common ground and agree that some branch of government must get involved and stop Vin Diesel […]
March 5, 2011
I was struck by the serious, no-nonsense expressions on these representatives of a vacation home rental service, and the following thoughts came to mind: 1. “We had so much fun working together as CIA interrogators, it seemed only natural to start a business together in the hospitality industry!” 2. Survey from a Satisfied Customer: “The […]
March 4, 2011
Hey ladies, having trouble meeting men? Did you know if you borrow money and refuse to repay it, men will come right to your door?
February 27, 2011
My wife thinks I take too long picking a shirt in the morning…but in the movies, when someone dies, his ghost is stuck wearing those same clothes for eternity.
February 26, 2011
When I was a kid I swore I would never sell out… …but nobody ever asked me to. Not even once. Now I would give anything to have that chance. If you hear of any sell-out opportunities, let me know.
February 23, 2011
Here’s an ad I recently posted on Craigslist: Samsung LA32C350D1 HD TV for sale! Do you like watching television? Then why not watch television on your very own 32” Samsung HD TV? Use this TV for watching movies starring Ben Affleck! Or Matt Damon! Or maybe a movie starring both Ben Affleck and Matt Damon! […]
May 10, 2011
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