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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
All in Due Time
When my wife turned thirty-one, my youngest son told her, “Hey Mom, only twenty-nine years until you’re sixty!” I’m sure sixty seems pretty far away to my son, but kids have no idea time will pass faster and faster as they get older. When I was a kid, I didn’t pay much attention to calendars […]
Posted in: Columns
Sunday Souffle
June 26, 2011
Sometimes I watch my sons while they play outside, and I’m always interested in the new games they invent. This morning I watched my 7-year-old son, The Fonz, spend almost two hours racing against a rock. He would count down 3, 2, 1, then flick a rock across the pavement and sprint to overtake it. […]
Posted in: Columns
Very Fast, Moderately Furious
June 25, 2011
Great news for fans of bad acting and bad movies: Universal Pictures has announced plans for a sixth Fast and Furious movie. The announcement was short on plot details because the computer that writes the Fast and Furious screenplays was on vacation this week. When the computer returns, the studio will input the following and […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
My Children Grow Sick of Sick!!! (sic) Discussion
June 24, 2011
This afternoon my wife and I sat on the front steps, watching my two sons and their friend perform skateboard tricks, and the kids asked me to judge who could jump highest on the skateboard. When I proclaimed a winner, the other kids gave him high fives, and I felt jealous of all the attention […]
Posted in: Family
My Wife’s Facebook Status: Single if George Clooney is Asking
June 23, 2011
Did you hear George Clooney is single again? And did you hear women everywhere changed their Facebook statuses to ‘Single if George Clooney is asking’? The actor and his girlfriend of two years, Italian model Elisabetta Canalis, recently split. No reasons were given for the break-up, although my inside source tells me George was disappointed […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Announcing the Apple iPhone 5
June 22, 2011
Great news for you Apple iPhone fans–Apple has announced the new iPhone 5 will be released this August or September. Remember today as the day the sight of your iPhone 4 began to disgust you. Apple addicts everywhere were ecstatic in anticipation of the opportunity to spend almost a thousand dollars to buy the exact […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Your Summer Swimsuit Strategy
June 21, 2011
Summer has arrived for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere. For you Southern Hemispherians, I hope you’re enjoying winter as well as a respite from the full effects of the ozone hole we sent your way. (Have you been to Australia? It’s like they have three suns down there. You can get sunburned while […]
Everybody Loves a Clown…Except for Everybody I Know
June 20, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the off-duty police officer dressed as a clown who shot a man trying to rob him at gunpoint. This must be a pretty rundown neighborhood when a clown catches your eye as the wealthiest potential mugging target. Think of all the rich clowns who are members of your country […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Sunday Spread
June 19, 2011
Happy Father’s Day to you if you’re in a country celebrating Father’s Day and also if you’re a father. If you’re neither a father nor in a country celebrating Father’s Day, I hope an opportunity to celebrate you for something comes up before too long. When is Secretary’s Day? If you’re a father, but not […]
Posted in: Columns
Playboy Bunny Hops Away
June 18, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard the news that 85-year-old Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, was left by his 25-year-old fiance, Crystal Harris, only five days before the wedding. She felt terrible about calling the wedding off on such short notice, and in her defense, she did try and tell him every day for a month: “I’m sorry, Hugh. […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Your New Exercise Program
June 17, 2011
This time you’re going to do it! Nothing is going to stop you from getting in shape. You purchased an expensive exercise machine and you plan to work out every day. Allow me to help you create your exercise program: Day 1: Open exercise equipment box. Day 1: Lay out parts. Day 1: Misplace parts. […]
Posted in: Columns
Spelling Bee Stings
June 16, 2011
Did you watch any of the national Scripps Spelling Bee last week on ESPN? Congratulations to Sukanya Roy who sealed the victory by correctly spelling “Cymotrichous”. News of the victory spread quickly among excited teenagers as they texted each other the news: wassup, playa, U heer bout Speling Be champyon? Fo shizzle, mine laydee Sukanya […]
Posted in: Columns
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