Great news for you Apple iPhone fans–Apple has announced the new iPhone 5 will be released this August or September. Remember today as the day the sight of your iPhone 4 began to disgust you. Apple addicts everywhere were ecstatic in anticipation of the opportunity to spend almost a thousand dollars to buy the exact same thing as last year’s iPhone 4.
My friends who count themselves among the cult of Apple have assured me the new iPhone 5 will be significantly different and better than the iPhone 4, although these friends stumble for words when trying to explain any difference between the iPhone 4 and 3. They say the new model will be worth every penny because the design will be slightly different, the speed will be slightly faster (although every version has been so fast that they have a hard time recognizing the difference between very fast and very, very fast), and a bunch of applications they never use will be slightly enhanced.
Steve Jobs
Fan reaction was overwhelmingly positive. Said one fan, “I hear the new iPhone 5 will be far superior to the iPhone 4 for some reason. I’m ecstatic for some reason. I’m sure it will be worth every penny for some reason.”
Another fan said, “I hear the iPhone 5 will include a GPS tracker that will help me locate people who will be impressed by my iPhone 5. This will make impressing people so much more efficient.”
Details on the new model are sketchy, but here’s what we know so far:
The design may be slightly thinner.
The screen will be slightly larger.
The home button will be enlarged.
Internals will be updated, although 99% of the buyers will never understand or recognize any enhancements over the iPhone 4.
People will wait in line for days and empty their children’s college funds to get their hands on one.
If Apple is having a hard time thinking of significant changes for the next model, allow me to make some suggestions:
How about an app that will allow you to enter the price and date of every Apple product you ever purchased, and the app will tell you how much money you would have made if you had invested that money in Apple stock instead? For example, if you had invested $5700 in Apple stock in 1997 instead of buying the Apple Powerbook G3 250, your stock today would be worth approximately $400,000. An Apple iPod purchased for $349 in 2004 would be worth $4,730 today. This is the perfect app to occupy your time while waiting for your mom to finish using the bathroom in the apartment you share together because you can’t afford to move out.
Every time an Apple addict describes the products with righteous excitement as though he or she were the first one to discover Apple, and they try and win you over by describing Microsoft as evil and Apple as the underdog, the iPhone 5 should give an electric shock and a message that shows Apple is the second most valuable company on planet earth. (The stock is 50% larger than Microsoft. Apple dominates personal music player sales. Apple has multiples times the smartphone sales of Microsoft. Apple is kicking the crap out of Microsoft. Is Microsoft evil? Probably. Is Apple evil? Probably. But who is the current underdog in the battle for most evil technology company? Microsoft.)
The moment you turn on your new iPhone 5, how about a message announcing the imminent release of the Apple iPhone 6? Don’t worry about teasing the disciples, Steve Jobs. You could announce a Cyanide iPill, and they would wait in line for weeks.
The Good Greatsby 
subWOW
June 22, 2011
I am excited. This only means lots of iphone 4 on eBay for cheap!
(Actually I now sport an Android phone. So the above was meant to be a sarcastic comment)
I am just relieved that they do not release the new phonies say around Feb or March. You know, right after most people got their big surprise presents for the holidays…
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
Is anyone even willing to buy an old model on eBay? I assumed Apple fanatics would throw away their iPhone 4s as soon as the iPhone 5 debuted.
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
June 22, 2011
Noooo! This is the big “back to school” release. All Apple addicts know they always do their big releases just in time for back to school in August or September. This is so children of divorced parents everywhere can beg for the newest technology whine, “If you really loved me, you’d get me an iPhone 5,” thus leaving the exes to engage in bitter, guilt-induced battles over who will make the purchase. It’s a win-lose-win situation.
Arguments.
June 23, 2011
haha yeah that’s so true.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 22, 2011
I recently purchased a home phone with push buttons. It is amazing. No more rotary dial. But I have kept my old phone, because I feel like technology is a passing fad. Eventually, people will go back to rotary. I’m not sure what your post is about, but it must be funny.
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
I would love to have a rotary phone. I’ve been looking for one. Seriously.
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
June 22, 2011
I will have my parents contact you. They have three. All working.
jeanofalltrades
June 24, 2011
I bought a rotary phone! It feels so good slamming the receiver down. You can’t end an angry phone tirade by pressing “end.” Now I need to call all of the people I don’t like.
Olly
June 25, 2011
surely Apple will provide you nostalgic ‘late adopters’ with a ‘Rotary App’
if not an iPhone 5 ‘Rotary Edition’
jacquelincangro
June 22, 2011
You know what never goes out of style? The stone tablets The Flintstones used. I would like one, complete with the long-beaked bird to type my messages.
thoughtsappear
June 22, 2011
So…what you’re saying is…now is a good time to switch to an iPhone…for some reason.
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
If you don’t get an iPhone 5, I’m sure you’ll regret it for some reason.
gmom
June 22, 2011
Gosh I am all over that phone if the autocorrect is any better.
I never said my husband’s erection juices were flowing it was creative juices.
I hate hate hate autocorrect (and my son for not deleting that text)!!!!
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
I can never understand with those autocorrect fails why the software would replace creative with erection. They aren’t even close.
Kim Pugliano
June 23, 2011
I love you Gmom
Amy
June 22, 2011
“How about an app that will allow you to enter the price and date of every Apple product you ever purchased, and the app will tell you how much money you would have made if you had invested that money in Apple stock instead?”
Ha! If I owned any Apple product this would be pretty depressing!
EllieAnn
June 22, 2011
This is too close to my heart, Greatsby. Too close. #applefangirlrighthere
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
Not you, Ellie. You never expect this kind of thing could happen to somebody you know.
thelifeofjamie
June 22, 2011
all iPhone’s disgust me. I can’t get service from any of the cell phone carriers where I live. apparently ATT and Verizon don’t like hills made of granite. I am stuck with lowly Sprint and a crackberry.
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
Hills made of granite or walls made of granite? Are you in prison?
thelifeofjamie
June 23, 2011
depends on your definition of prison! I live in the hills in CA and some of them are made of solid granite. We can’t get a pool in the backyard either without taking core samples! It sucks!
Byron MacLymont
June 22, 2011
That was a big thing with the iPad’s next version, too: It’s a little bit thinner. I’m an apple person, but that’s pretty tough to get excited about. I think people just really long for those Apple unveilings that inspired a “That’s impossible! And sexy! The only rational explanation is magic!” reaction.
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
I think a lot of tech products are like this with new versions. The new one comes along and it’s slightly smaller and lighter and has a couple new features that no one will ever use. Apple catches my attention more because they upgrade every year.
misswhiplash
June 22, 2011
To me an Apple is something that you eat, or you can feed donkeys with Apples, they like them
Personally I do not have an iPhone, even a 1,2, 3 or 4. I would not know what to do with one if I had it and as for Apps..what on earth does that mean?
I have two mobile phones, one in my shopping bag in case of emergency and the other is my bedside alarm but I do not think they have Apps..is it a phone disease?
love P
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
I’m so glad to hear you don’t understand any of this. I’m convinced 99% of Apple fans don’t understand it either.
Invisible Mikey
June 22, 2011
(Here comes another of my incessant old guy remembers replies.)
25 years ago when I joined the cult of Apple, we had to put up with endless trumpeting by Microserf and their brainwashed minions about the imminent death of Apple. It went on for years, then decades. The only thing Apple had going for it was a better OS and superior computers.
Now that the enormous popularity and profitability of Apple’s other, buggier, gadgety items like the iStuff has saved the company and are funding the progress and manufacture of their STILL superior computers and OS, I guess that’s what will get complained about. ( I think Android phones are better, too, but still think MS is evil and now I enjoy insinuating that Windows is a dinosaur OS and will die any day.)
How do you do it day after day, Paul? You must type at the speed of thought.
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
I was rooting for Apple a decade ago, but it’s no fun to root for them now. I don’t see a big difference between Apple and Microsoft when comparing ethics.
Do I really do it day after day? I hope so. I remember your post when you wrote it was better to wait until you had something really good instead of posting every day just to say you had posted every day. I wondered if it was a message meant for me.
Invisible Mikey
June 23, 2011
I said in reply to your comment on that post that your output was atypical. You’re like the old-school daily newspaper humor columnists, cranking out miles of truly funny text as if it comes on a ticker-tape.
geoxx1980
June 24, 2011
Its been a long time since the Apple Pie factory made anything Superior in the “computer” family. As any techno gleek will admit, “superiority” doesnt get measured by questions of “does it have a nice shiny industrial design?”, but is typically probed with queries like “can I play crysis 2 with this thing”… Generally Macophiles will answer, ‘no, my mac is too pure to be stained bythe horrid task of drawing in 3d’.
In short, the mac is NOT back.. Since its typically filled with last year’s technology, and buffed up a little to make it look ‘blingy and cool’.
ps.. I own a mac, a pc, a laptop, an ipad and a crap sony erricson i bought for a hundred bucks.
Leanne Shirtliffe
June 22, 2011
I like me some good math. I love me some good funny math. I crossed to that side this year. Thanks to my job, I now have a MacBook Pro. And I also have an iPhone 4 (gasp), which my 7yo twins can navigate intuitively. Do I have my pompoms out? Nope. But it’s sleek.
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2011
They certainly make some good looking electronics, don’t they? Other than that, I’m hazy on the pros.
sportsjim81
June 22, 2011
An iPill…that’s hilarious!
Oh, and as if your head wasn’t big enough…look who just showed up again on FP! Well done sir!
Kim
June 23, 2011
Another Fresh Pressed???? You’re almost too “in” to continue reading!!!! lol
nancyfrancis
June 23, 2011
TWO Freshly Pressed! Congrats!
I’m holding out for the iPhone 7 because I’ve heard rumors that its going to be slightly bigger/smaller/faster/smarter/techier then the 6. Even though really, its the same thing in a new package. We are sheep 😉
Meet the Buttrams
June 23, 2011
I have an iPhone. Which, to me, means it survived being thrown from the top of my moving car, into the middle of the road, beneath a tire or seventeen, under the summer sun for three hours, and recovered unscathed.
I’m writing Steve Jobs a thank you note. If the iPhone 5 can survive a nuclear explosion, I will need to purchase one asap. Chances are I will somehow find my iPhone in the middle of one.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
If the iPhone is so great, why did you throw it from a moving car?
Meet the Buttrams
June 24, 2011
Whatever do you mean? That sounds awfully accusatory, Greatsby.
Thomas Stazyk
June 23, 2011
No comment
Annie
June 23, 2011
I do not have an iPhone. But I have an ipod touch. I scrounged up my birthday money and bought one at the end of august last year. I loved it so much and raved to my brother endlessly, so he bought one just a week after I got mine. His was a newer model with a camera and video!! Mine didn’t have that and I paid exactly the same. I was so stinking ticked. Apple is evil.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
Die hard fans will buy every new model, but the casual fan feels anxious to take the plunge because they always worry the new model is a day away.
paigekellerman
June 23, 2011
Mu phone runs on food stamps, so I can’t really comment on an i phone..
paigekellerman
June 23, 2011
I meant “My” ….I bought this keyboard off a homeless guy.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
I would edit your comment and fix the “Mu”, but your reply is pretty funny.
Carl D'Agostino
June 23, 2011
I’m still figuring out the micro wave and the car key thing.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
If you haven’t figured out the microwave and car keys by now, don’t worry about it. I’m convinced both are passing fads.
Kim Pugliano
June 23, 2011
My parents are Apple freaks. FREAKS, I SAY! My dad has owned every single item Apple has ever made in the history of the fruit. They even have Apple TV, which, from what I can tell, is exactly the same thing as Direct TV or cable. Whatever. They will most definitely sell their 4 on EBay so that they can buy the 5 in the stores, which they have likely already pre-ordered to avoid any lines. Meanwhile, does anyone want to buy their iPad2? I had to install a whole new operating system or something on my MacBook (I know) so that I could get the Apple store app so that I could buy Facetime for $0.99 so that I could talk to my son on FACETIME rather than ICHAT while he’s traveling with the gramparents this week. (sigh) Whatever happened to sending a postcard?
falwless
June 23, 2011
Do you think they’d take one of my kidneys for a new iPhone 5? I’m into bartering.
amblerangel
June 23, 2011
Congrats on the FP!
I must admit- love my Iphone and was lost without it while I waited the month to get it when we moved to Japan- but don’t want to hand over that kind of cash for an upgrade. I think Apple secretly pays people to stand in lines – makes it more desirable.
falwless
June 23, 2011
OK, OK, I’ll give them both kidneys. But that’s my final offer.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
You won’t need kidneys because I hear the iPhone 5 will include a blood dialysis app.
infinite monkey theorem
June 23, 2011
Man, you got a little charged up on this one! You know, I heard a rumor that WordPress wanted to Fresh Press this, but Jobs squashed it! That guy is sooooooo connected! I laughed at this, partly because it’s a riot, and partly because it’s so true! I mean, you could write a similar blog on any of a number of products that are currently holding us all enthralled, but iPhone is really the warm fuzzy center of the lot. (Let me not be a hypocrite, I have and love my iTouch, but I can see the marketing involved and laugh at myself a bit in the process!) And when they come out with the new thing…I gotta tell ya, that Pavlov knew what of he spoke! I don’t respond to this impulse, but It’s bloody well there. Kudos to the iMarketing group for that!
I like the iPhone, but I use an also-ran, because I got a screaming good deal on it as an end of contract trade in with Verizon. At first I felt kinda jipped, cause all the cool kids had the iThingy. Happily, I very soon began to feel a great satisfaction with the qualities of the one I did buy. Great graphics (Super AMOLED), all the apps I wanted (Droid), and a really nice MP3 player. All in all, it’s a very smart phone!
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
I don’t mind Apple products–I actually have an iPad 2–but I love how fanatical people get about the new releases when they don’t appear to be any better than the old model.
Binky
June 23, 2011
I’m waiting for an apple phone that you can eat.
spilledinkguy
June 23, 2011
I’m so behind on technology…
I’d be pleased if I figured out how to turn on an iPhone. Or maybe even just hold one for a few minutes. They do have some pretty cool photo apps (from what I’ve seen)… most people have more power in their phones than I do in my DSLR at this point.
🙂
the master
June 23, 2011
The only thing that would make me consider buying an Iphone (capital letters come first, mR. jObs) would be an app that alerts you to other Iphone owners so I can avoid talkng to them. But knowing the way jObs works, he’d probably release a new app that disables the Iphone Owner Alert app.So I’ll just have to settle for headbutting them instead.
Kevin McCabe
June 23, 2011
Haha very funny, because it is very true…and still I want one.
HoaiPhai
June 23, 2011
Apple is evil. I have a PC phone (really, PC Mobile) and it may be clunky but it gets the job (get it?) done.
I heard that the plans for the upcoming iPhone 6 will include making sure that the buyer fits the Apple profile… you’ll have to show up at a Genius Bar, take a Mensa test, have appropriately sharp creases in your short-sleeved button-down-collar shirt, and have regulation 2mm artsy stubble on your face (if you don’t, they can sell you an iRazor) before they will let you take one out of the store. A mandatory app will make sure that you’re appearance is up to snuff every single time you want to use the danged thing and will automatically patch you through to a certified Apple iStylist if you’re not. You’ll also either have to bring in a portfolio of whatever art you’re making six figures at, or the ownership papers to a BMW. So any of you Apple fanboys that are only marginally within the Appel image specs better run out and get “The 5” now before they raise the bar on you.
P.S. Why hasn’t Apple gone into the actual apple business? Wouldn’t that be a natural?
tinkertoot
June 23, 2011
Well Sadly I still have my iPhone 3gs, because in SA they not the most popular devices. You either take a contract or you import. No body sells them cash. so perhaps with the 5 coming out i can finally find a 4 for cash. Unless one of you people over there feel like donating your 4 when you upgrade… my iPhone been stolen twice and recovered as many times… awesome gadget in SA pity other people in this country so taken by Blackberry
Gemma Sidney
June 23, 2011
I’m sorry to say this, Mr Greatsby, but I think your emotions got the better of you in this article. You sound angry. Embittered. Which tells me that you are not an Apple iPhone user, as they must be the happiest people on the planet. How could they not be, with all of the wonderful technological innovations Apple keeps creating for them to re-mortgage their homes in order to buy?
iPhone users must have very low, perhaps even non-existent, medical bills. As they say, an Apple a day… but that’s only because Apple users have no money left to be able to pay the doctor with.
I am not an iPhone user, either. Go figure.
Lenore Diane
June 23, 2011
My nephew made me chuckle with a Mac reference…
Q: How do you know if someone owns a Mac?
A: They will tell you.
Same holds true for the iPhone – with each new version.
AlmightyQuinn
June 24, 2011
I only bought my iPhone 4 two months ago. Haha. There doesn’t seem to MASSES of difference though!
Ruizinh
June 24, 2011
True! So much true!!
Lee
June 25, 2011
So if anyone knows what my $2300.00 for the Apple II in 1980 would be worth in stock today, don’t tell me.
Sent from my iPhone
angiejardine
June 28, 2011
What’s with all this fruit business? Apples, Blackberrys … is this fruitist?
Sent from my Mac iBook …
igranny