Announcing the Apple iPhone 5

Posted on June 22, 2011

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Great news for you Apple iPhone fans–Apple has announced the new iPhone 5 will be released this August or September.  Remember today as the day the sight of your iPhone 4 began to disgust you.  Apple addicts everywhere were ecstatic in anticipation of the opportunity to spend almost a thousand dollars to buy the exact same thing as last year’s iPhone 4.

My friends who count themselves among the cult of Apple have assured me the new iPhone 5 will be significantly different and better than the iPhone 4, although these friends stumble for words when trying to explain any difference between the iPhone 4 and 3.  They say the new model will be worth every penny because the design will be slightly different, the speed will be slightly faster (although every version has been so fast that they have a hard time recognizing the difference between very fast and very, very fast), and a bunch of applications they never use will be slightly enhanced.

Steve Jobs

Fan reaction was overwhelmingly positive.  Said one fan, “I hear the new iPhone 5 will be far superior to the iPhone 4 for some reason.  I’m ecstatic for some reason.  I’m sure it will be worth every penny for some reason.”

Another fan said, “I hear the iPhone 5 will include a GPS tracker that will help me locate people who will be impressed by my iPhone 5.  This will make impressing people so much more efficient.”

Details on the new model are sketchy, but here’s what we know so far:

The design may be slightly thinner.

The screen will be slightly larger.

The home button will be enlarged.

Internals will be updated, although 99% of the buyers will never understand or recognize any enhancements over the iPhone 4.

People will wait in line for days and empty their children’s college funds to get their hands on one.

If Apple is having a hard time thinking of significant changes for the next model, allow me to make some suggestions:

How about an app that will allow you to enter the price and date of every Apple product you ever purchased, and the app will tell you how much money you would have made if you had invested that money in Apple stock instead?  For example, if you had invested $5700 in Apple stock in 1997 instead of buying the Apple Powerbook G3 250, your stock today would be worth approximately $400,000.  An Apple iPod purchased for $349 in 2004 would be worth $4,730 today.  This is the perfect app to occupy your time while waiting for your mom to finish using the bathroom in the apartment you share together because you can’t afford to move out.

Every time an Apple addict describes the products with righteous excitement as though he or she were the first one to discover Apple, and they try and win you over by describing Microsoft as evil and Apple as the underdog, the iPhone 5 should give an electric shock and a message that shows Apple is the second most valuable company on planet earth. (The stock is 50% larger than Microsoft.  Apple dominates personal music player sales.  Apple has multiples times the smartphone sales of Microsoft.  Apple is kicking the crap out of Microsoft.  Is Microsoft evil?  Probably.  Is Apple evil?  Probably.  But who is the current underdog in the battle for most evil technology company?  Microsoft.)

The moment you turn on your new iPhone 5, how about a message announcing the imminent release of the Apple iPhone 6?  Don’t worry about teasing the disciples, Steve Jobs.  You could announce a Cyanide iPill, and they would wait in line for weeks.