Perhaps you’ve heard the news that 85-year-old Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, was left by his 25-year-old fiance, Crystal Harris, only five days before the wedding. She felt terrible about calling the wedding off on such short notice, and in her defense, she did try and tell him every day for a month:
“I’m sorry, Hugh. I can’t marry you.”
“What? Speak louder!”
“I CAN’T MARRY YOU! THE WEDDING IS OFF!”
“What? Speak up! Speak right into my ear!”
She also tried writing out the break-up message for him, but he could never find his glasses, although they were always on a chain around his neck.
Crystal said about the break-up, “I’ll always love, Hugh. He was so romantic and thoughtful, always giving me gifts of hard candy or sometimes a card with $10 inside.”
When asked his feelings on the break-up, Hugh replied, “What? What? Where am I?”
A tearful Crystal replied, “I really thought he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of the year with.”
Hugh answered, “What? What? Get off my lawn!”
My heart breaks that things didn’t work out for these two. I’m a romantic at heart, and I really felt these two were going to make it. Theirs seemed like such a fairy tale romance, like Snow White or Cinderella or what’s that fairy tale about the pornographer prince who dies of old age a month after the wedding?
How sad for Hugh Hefner to be looking all his life and to think he had finally found the soul mate he was going to spend the rest of his remaining six months with. I sure hope Hugh will be able to meet somebody else. It’s sad to think of him spending his golden years alone instead of enjoying evenings with a loving wife by his side, gazing into his eyes, holding his hand, and taking his pulse to make sure he’s not dead.
Crystal taking a pulse.
Maybe Hugh still has some time left to find the twenty-something woman he deserves, someone with whom he can enjoy all the classic couples activities like long walks on a wheelchair accessible beach; weekend drives through the country-side at 15 mph; candlelight 4:00PM dinners; romantic therapeutic massages; and intimate mouth-to-mouth contact while she performs CPR.
Too bad for Hugh, but rumors continue that he never intended to propose to Crystal and had merely gotten down on one knee because his hip had broken.
The Good Greatsby 
Spectra
June 18, 2011
“A tearful Crystal replied, “I really thought he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of the year with.”
It breaks my heart. Really. Why did she do it? He must’ve refused to sign her Prenuptial Agreement. Or maybe she found it hard to sleep in his Recliner with him.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I understand some hesitation if you’re a 25-year-old marrying a 50-year-old–he might still have thirty years left. But she probably only had to wait one or two years for Hef to die.
spilledinkguy
June 18, 2011
What? I’m the first one to arrive at the grotto? Well… well… this is just too much pressure! I can’t breathe! I think I’m getting cold paws! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
Nobody is at the grotto because it’s been quarantined for Legionnaire’s disease. Seriously.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 18, 2011
In a related development, Holly Madison, Hef’s main sexual employee (whoops, love) for seven years, was reached in her Las Vegas dressing room for comment. When asked what she thought of her ex’s relationship meltdown with Harris, Madison responded: “Hef and I will always be best friends. Do you like my new Bo Peep costume? I think my boobs look really big and swell. What do you think?”
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I really thought Hef and Holly Madison were going to make it as well. Maybe I should be more cynical.
Meet the Buttrams
June 18, 2011
Excellent ending line.
Bearman
June 18, 2011
Oh to have Hugh’s troubles.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
Trouble never seems to keep him down for long.
Invisible Mikey
June 18, 2011
I heard she reneged on a tabloid deal to dump him AT THE ALTAR – 500k, so now she’s “consoling” herself by recording a CD with Son of “Dr.” Phil. (Ghastly, duplicitous fame junkies, brrr)
As usual, your version’s funnier.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I like that you put “Dr.” in quotation marks.
educlaytion
June 18, 2011
Oh, I love the humorous wrongness about you. I’m not saying I’m as funny as you, but something like this could have came from my brain.
thelifeofjamie
June 18, 2011
“I really thought he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of the year with.”- AKA- I thought I would bide my time, get some money out of the deal when the old geezer croaks and then move onto someone more age appropriate to start my real life with…that and wrinkly old men are scary!
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
Marrying Hef is a lot like musical chairs. Somebody is going to marry him and only have to do time for six months before he dies and she can get her hands on his money while other women had to be with him for years and years.
Annie
June 18, 2011
The photo caption is great. That dress she is wearing would have given the average 85-year-old a heart attack. But Hugh has seen it all and then some. He’s probably a little bored. In fact I’m guessing he’s asleep with his eyes open.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I imagine he’s bored out of his mind. He’d probably be more interested in her if she put on a parka.
bridgesburning
June 18, 2011
Since she obviously just loves the geriatric set where oh where is she going to find another 85 year old who will take her in..poor girl…
Girly
June 18, 2011
Maybe she has integrity? Or maybe he really is just too disgusting for her to wait out his death… sometimes those old bastards can live forever… she just couldn’t do it.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
Or maybe she found out not all rich guys are old.
Thomas Stazyk
June 19, 2011
Or maybe someone explained the prenup to her and she went “eeewww.”
ryoko861
June 18, 2011
LMAO! I love the “or sometimes a card with $10 inside.” That was priceless!!!
And poor Holly! She wanted to marry him, but he didn’t want to. Then this chick comes alone, gets engaged, Holly is “WTF” and then days before it’s called off. Hollywood drama at it’s best!
Ya know, kudos to ol’ Heff! Shaggin’ girls 4x younger than him!
Don’t you hope you can get yourself some young booty at his age someday Paul!
The Good Greatsby
June 19, 2011
When I reach his age I would be satisfied just to have money in sums large enough to attract attention from young girls.
Redneckprincess
June 18, 2011
WHAT???? You mean she was marrying him for his MONEY???
The Good Greatsby
June 19, 2011
In her defense, I’m pretty sure Hef was marrying her for her looks.
Sid
June 19, 2011
Now. Now you are just being bastardous. Never mock true love.
She's a Maineiac
June 19, 2011
Poor guy. I feel just terrible for him. I took a CPR course last month and they don’t even require mouth-to-mouth resuscitation anymore.
The Good Greatsby
June 19, 2011
That’s too bad for him. Faking he had died was the only way he got any physical contact.
chlost
June 19, 2011
Dirty Old Rich Man vs. Young (dumb?) Blonde.
Who won?
The Good Greatsby
June 19, 2011
They both had some handicaps that made them difficult to cheer for. I’m still not certain who won.
modestypress
June 19, 2011
“On December 8, 2008, [Christie Hefner] announced her plans to step down as CEO of Playboy as of January 31, 2009. Ms. Hefner said that the election of Barack Obama as the next President had inspired her to give more time to charitable work, and that the decision to step down was her own. “Just as this country is embracing change in the form of new leadership, I have decided that now is the time to make changes in my own life as well,” she said.”
Maybe it’s time for Christie to take care of her dad, and perhaps vet his choice in wives, lest some “cougar” prey on the poor fellow. After all, he is not very grown up yet. In fact, he probably was never properly weaned.
Spectra
June 19, 2011
That’s it then…his whole empire has been based on little more than an oral fixation? Aw, Hef! You had us all fooled! 😉
The Good Greatsby
June 19, 2011
Christie should definitely watch her dad and make sure he continues to be the one taking advantage of girls instead of the other way around.
Surrey gal
June 19, 2011
The hip idea made me laugh!!!! This post is brilliant but that’s nothing new.
paigekellerman
June 19, 2011
I heard the prenup did it:
Monday: Sponge bath
Tuesday: Icy Hot ankle rub
Wednesday: Green Acres Marathon
Thursday: Must drive to Denny’s for 3pm dinner of Moons Over My Hammy
Friday: Cary Grant Movie night
Hef said these demands were ridiculous and refused to eat dinner before 4pm..
Ape No. 1
June 19, 2011
Nice post. I always figured CPR was technically second base but I am dissapointed to hear mouth-to-mouth is no longer part of resuscitation.
I guess he will have to start the process again of finding another Sith apprentice. Hopefully he has enough years left in him to complete the training with his new study. He may want to consider removing the swimsuit section from the selection process this time and focus more on the ability to swing a flourescent tube around whilst making “beeuzzhge” sounds.
judithhb
June 19, 2011
It’s all been said by your many commentators. But what I would like to know is where do I find an 85 year old multi, multi, rich guy who will make me his heir and who has only six months to a year to live. Mind you I am old enough to be Crystal’s grandmother but I could take care of the old buzzard for a short time. Zillions divided by 8736 hours in a year = megabucks per hour. Nice work. Sign me up please.
pegoleg
June 19, 2011
Everytime I see one of these May /December (of last century) relationships, a version of that Klondike Bar ditty runs through my brain:” What would you do-oo-oo, for some mo-on-ey?”
Apparently anything.
HoaiPhai
June 19, 2011
Who is she looking at that is just outside of camerashot…Charlie Sheen? I think Chuck is going to have to spread a little more hay on the stable floor. From the looks of Hef in the picture, he doesn’t look like he has the strength for gagging, let alone shagging.
nancyfrancis
June 21, 2011
It brings a tear to my eye, thinking of the poor old man, sitting in his Mansion, with probably only a dozen young ladies at his disposal.
thoughtsappear
June 21, 2011
Crystal taking a pulse or Crystal checking out a younger guy?
japecake
June 21, 2011
I hear that Hef reads The Good Greatsby. “For the articles.”
HoaiPhai
June 21, 2011
Har! Great comment!
the master
June 23, 2011
The sheer level of sarcasm in this post is a joy to behold. I salute you, good sir!
writerwoman61
June 26, 2011
“long walks on a wheelchair accessible beach” Best. Line. Ever!
Seriously though…I feel kind of sorry for both of them…what empty lives they must be leading…
Wendy
fatisrecipes
June 30, 2011
This is the funniest thing I’ve read all week!! 😀