Browsing All posts tagged under »crime«

Air Conditioners for President!

March 15, 2016


I’m a peace-loving man. Indeed I was kicked out of the Peace Corps for loving peace too much. Those phonies in the Peace Corps say they want peace, but I was the only one willing to fight for it. As part of my commitment to spreading peace I’m constantly studying the science of aggression, and […]

It’s Better to Be Safe Than Friendly

February 24, 2016


I was watching the news and they said the majority of murder victims are killed by people they know. I bring this up any time my wife tries to get me to meet new people. The fewer people you know, the safer you’ll be. I say no to parent teacher conferences, open houses, book clubs, […]

Detergent Thefts Leave Stores Hanging Out to Dry

March 14, 2012


News reports claim American stores are experiencing a spike in thefts of Tide laundry detergent. Apparently the high retail value of Tide, $10 to $20 a bottle, and the lack of a serial number, make it an attractive target for thieves to steal and resell. I’m pretty sure the story has been blown out of […]

Everybody Loves a Clown…Except for Everybody I Know

June 20, 2011


Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the off-duty police officer dressed as a clown who shot a man trying to rob him at gunpoint.  This must be a pretty rundown neighborhood when a clown catches your eye as the wealthiest potential mugging target. Think of all the rich clowns who are members of your country […]

My Test of Friendship

June 9, 2011


When I’m at a party, I’m not usually the type to try to be the center of attention.  I’m more likely to be in a corner trying to convince someone I’ve just met that I’m about to confess to a crime.  We’re laughing about something and then my face darkens, and I get a faraway […]