Did you hear George Clooney is single again? And did you hear women everywhere changed their Facebook statuses to ‘Single if George Clooney is asking’? The actor and his girlfriend of two years, Italian model Elisabetta Canalis, recently split. No reasons were given for the break-up, although my inside source tells me George was disappointed to learn Elisabetta speaks no English after he recently tried talking to her for the first time.
I had a few jokes in mind for this story, and I called my wife at lunch to see if she thought they were funny.
“Hey, tell me if these jokes about George Clooney are funny.”
“What happened to George Clooney?”
“He and his girlfriend split up.”
–Click—
“Hello? Honey? Are you still there?”
I called back but there was no answer. I called the friend she was eating lunch with, who said, “It was very strange. She was talking to you on the phone, then she suddenly sprinted out of the restaurant, knocking over a table and two waiters.”
I had planned to write a post about all the strange coincidences that keep connecting us to George Clooney ever since my wife and I got married. For example. every year my wife plans a family vacation and somehow she keeps accidentally picking cities where George Clooney is shooting a movie. Twice is a coincidence, but ten years in a row is, well according to my wife, still a coincidence.
The coincidences don’t end there. One time I found a bunch of George Clooney’s mail in my wife’s desk, and she said the post office had accidentally sent them to our home. Isn’t that incredible? What are the chances of the post office mixing up our mail with a famous actor living in a different country? I wonder if he’s been getting my birthday cards my family says they send every year.
And before my wife and I were married she had a restraining order against her from a George Clooney, but she says this was a different George Clooney and the court had spelled the name wrong. She had actually been ordered to stay 500 yards distance from a George Cloney.
I really wanted to get her feedback on this post before publishing, but I haven’t been able to reach her all day. I’ve sent her the following texts, but she never answered:
“Hey, I think somebody might have stolen our credit card. I just received an email from American Airlines confirming a flight to Los Angeles. Please confirm you aren’t missing your credit card.”
“I just noticed all your clothing is missing. I think whoever stole your credit card also stole your clothing.”
“I just noticed all our luggage is missing. I think whoever stole your clothing, must have stolen our luggage to transport your clothing.”
“I just noticed our travel version of Battleship is missing. I think whoever stole your credit card, clothing, and luggage must be planning a trip.”
“I just noticed dinner is missing. Do you think I should order something? How about Indian food?”
“Your samosas and nan are getting cold. Do you mind if I eat them? Also, can you pick up another Battleship game on your way home? I really feel like playing tonight.”
The Good Greatsby 
Lorna
June 23, 2011
Hmmm, George Clooney single very soon after Hugh Hef’s Crystal left him… I think your wife may be too late…
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
I wondered if there might be a connection between these two break-ups.
Hippie Cahier
June 23, 2011
I’m sure she’ll be back soon. Probably.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
I’m sure she’ll come back as soon as she realizes she needs two people to play Battleship.
lifeintheboomerlane
June 23, 2011
And, in a related story, an unidentified woman was found hiding in Clooney’s aluminum lawnmowner shed. When authorities questioned her, she explained that she was doing research for her husband, a famous humor writer. When she told them who her husband was, the authorities dropped charges and suggested she enter the witness protection program. She declined and then switched to hiding behind the gnome statue on Clooney’s front lawn.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
Something about that woman sounds awfully familiar.
cuttercookie
June 23, 2011
oh, so she’s the woman of alleged loose morals who got there first. dang!
Graham Sttrong
June 23, 2011
Wow. I feel really, really bad for you. Not least of which because your wife is leaving!
Look on the bright side though. I hear Scarlett Johansson is also available. Is it too late to make that two tickets to LA? (If you play your emails right, you might just be able to charge it to your wife’s card…)
~Graham
She's a Maineiac
June 23, 2011
Well, he is damn sexy (at least to everyone else but me) But you’ve got this blog, so you’ll be just fine.
ajg
June 23, 2011
Why didn’t you mention that George Clooney wig your wife made for you from that dead hobo scalp? I find it relevant.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
I didn’t want anyone to know I wore a toupee, especially not a toupee from a murdered hobo.
k8edid
June 23, 2011
My flight to LA was overbooked, but I refused to give up my seat. I am seated next to a lovely librarian. There seems to be an inordinate number of women on this flight. The librarian says she has never been married, and I just saw her place her cell phone into the trash being collected by the flight attendant, what an odd gesture!!!
k8edid
June 23, 2011
We are enjoying a rousing game of Battleship.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
Here’s a tip: she always places all her ships in the very center.
gmom
June 23, 2011
Wait. Wait. Wait. Don’t jump to rash conclusion.
Just because her clothes and luggage are gone and you can’t locate her does not mean she has high tailed it to Clooneyville.
Men! Always thinking the worst!
You’ll know for sure if she took the feather boa, Is the boa gone?
If in fact she did go, hang tight. Tap into that quality men all men excel at….sharing.
Open your spirit of goodhearted sharing and both George and your wife will thank you.
She’ll be back.
George is like that. He’s a sharing person. Take heart.
In the meantime. I’ll play pong with you???
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
If my wife does leave me for George Clooney, I can take comfort in knowing his relationships never last more than a year or two. If my wife left me for anybody, I guess I would be flattered if it were George Clooney.
paulbeforeswine
June 23, 2011
I feel your pain. Hopefully Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis don’t break up anytime soon. Do they have a “Single if Johnny is asking” status? Facebook really needs to expand their relationship options…
paulbeforeswine
June 23, 2011
P.S. Isn’t Mila Kunis single? 🙂
jacquelincangro
June 23, 2011
Tell your wife: Not if I get there first.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
Please get there first.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
June 23, 2011
See, now Brad Pitt would be worth the trouble. But only if it were a Legends of the Fall Brad Pitt. However, my husband is quite quick to remind me that Brad Pitt’s a man of small stature, and to consider whether I want to be looking down at him. That could be a problem for me. Or not.
Great post!
Spectra
June 23, 2011
No worries. Georg-ah Clooney-ah is in Bawstun right now with Me-uh. Your wife-ah prawbalee just flew off to-ah Emerguncy Battleship-uh Tawnamunt.
accidentalstepmom
June 23, 2011
He’s going to have a hard time enforcing that restraining order if she’s wearing her Crown of Invisibility.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
So that’s why she spent all our savings testing and perfecting that crown of invisibility. It’s all making sense now.
Tyler
June 23, 2011
my wife is the same way about Gilbert Godfrey, she just can’t get enough, boy she thinks about it every night, and day, she’s addicted just wanna jump inside his love, she wouldn’t have it any other way, she’s addicted and she just can’t get enough.
Amy
June 23, 2011
She can have George Clooney.
Now, if Steve Buscemi ever becomes single . . .
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
Steve Buscemi isn’t single? I guess I just assumed he was alone.
thoughtsappear
June 23, 2011
Try texting your wife to tell her George Clooney just showed up to collect his mail. She’ll come home ASAP.
thelifeofjamie
June 23, 2011
I will beat your wife to a pulp if she gets to George before I do. Fortunately I live 30 minutes outside LA. She’s going to have to fly into LAX and that is at least a 4 hour ordeal. HE’S MINE!!!
ryoko861
June 23, 2011
Uh oh, looks like we’ve got a lot of competition going on here!
Ahmnodt Heare
June 23, 2011
George Clooney said a while back that he would never marry again. My guess is that your wife will be back in a couple years. I’d buy a new Battleship game if I was you.
Sid
June 23, 2011
George Clooney sunk your Battleship.
ryoko861
June 23, 2011
LMAO! Very good!!!
ryoko861
June 23, 2011
George Clooney is the epitome of male excellence! I see I’m going to have to have to fight your wife off. He’s the only Hollywood star I care about. The man is just wonderful!
Nope, you can’t compete with that kind of epic awesomeness! Like someone said, you may have to go get another Battleship game.
frigginloon
June 23, 2011
Heavy sigh. Do you want eHarmony’s email address?
Leanne Shirtliffe
June 23, 2011
George Clooney=sigh.
But Colin Firth=double sigh.
And he has an Italian wife. Maybe I need to move.
The Good Greatsby
June 24, 2011
My wife also has a thing for Mr. Darcy, but I think she’d pick Clooney.
pegoleg
June 24, 2011
Ditto and double ditto. If he became available I’d change my Facebook status to “Willing to kill to get with Colin Firth”. Wonder if that would come across as creepy?
educlaytion
June 24, 2011
Should’ve known Leanne would make this about Colin Firth. I, on the other hand, have never been attracted to George Clooney.
girlonthecontrary
June 23, 2011
You don’t have anything to worry about. Clooney is allergic to the word “marriage”. Canalis mentioned in an interview last week she would like to be married someday and bam! presto! She and Clooney break -up. I think when you’re wife mentions she is married (therefore proving she believes in getting married), he will probably go into anaphylactic shock and then later when his throat opens up again, he will tell her it’s over between them.
Jess Witkins
June 24, 2011
I love this post. I think your wife, if she returns home, should do a guest post about her adventures to see George Clooney. LOL.
P.S. I’m with Leanne. George Clooney = sigh, but Colin Firth = Double Sigh. I’d probably pick Mr. Darcy.
Renee Davies
June 24, 2011
Ahh…your text messages are funny…and sad. She’ll come back. Girls love men who make them laugh. I don’t think George is much of a humorist with his gals.
crpeterson
June 24, 2011
Absolutely hilarious, well done sir!
nancyfrancis
June 24, 2011
Wait, what? He actually tried to talk to her?
Lorna's Voice
June 24, 2011
George seems to be the third wheel in many a relationship. Now you both have something in common–you’re both unicycles! But I’ll bet neither of you will stay that way for long! Funny, delightful post.
Ariadna Buksdorf
June 24, 2011
I completely understand your wife. Here is my post when he was still taken, now since he is single again I have to rethink the whole concept, even thou I personally think he probably have 5 more good years and after that …..
http://rada55.wordpress.com/2011/04/06/dinner-with-george-that-never-happened/
pearlsandprose
June 24, 2011
Can you wait two years? That’s how long his relationships seem to last.
mommylisa
June 24, 2011
Good GRIEF I certainly hope Clooney is not single for that piece of trash Crystal. Blah.
paigekellerman
June 24, 2011
If Clooney’s taking up with your wife, I’d imagine it’s only for the free publicity. He KNOWS she’s married to the Good Greatsby, and is looking to capitalize, by having his name mentioned in your posts as much as possible. Way to walk into his trap, Paul. Good job…his smugness just multiplied ten-fold…
Brown Road Chronicles
June 24, 2011
Dude, you’ve been sunk!
Tattoos, love and lunacy...
June 24, 2011
Fabulous.
Surrey gal
June 24, 2011
Facebook status changed. Now I gotta hurry up to beat your wife to him!
spilledinkguy
June 24, 2011
I wouldn’t be too concerned, Mr. J. –
it’s not like were talking about Vin Diesel here…
amblerangel
June 24, 2011
Get out your smoking jacket and head for France- the competition will drive her crazy- she’ll come right back.
Mrs Wils
June 24, 2011
Nothing smart to say. Just letting you know that I laughed to much I cried when reading this post. Brilliant.
Casserole Dish
June 24, 2011
I need to quit reading your posts in the quiet break room at work; the other employees must think there’s something wrong with me. The titles alone make me burst out laughing.
Jeane
June 24, 2011
I think you should let her have her fun…keep things spicy. Plus, maybe she’ll let you pose behind them in photographs…bunny ears way better than battleship.
Laura
June 24, 2011
I’m sure that if your wife is stalking George Clooney, it’s just because she wants to persuade him to use his influence to get you a part in the Great Gatsby movie.
the master
June 30, 2011
Have to say, I’m with your wife on this. I’m staunchly heterosexual, but even I have to admit he’s a damn good-looking guy.
PS: When I say “I’m with your wife” I mean that as a figure of speech. We are not togethter, and we are certainly not camped outside Mr. Clooney’s place of residence armed with nightvision goggles and chloroform.
writerwoman61
July 2, 2011
“George was disappointed to learn Elisabetta speaks no English after he recently tried talking to her for the first time.” Love it!
I feel the same way about Harrison Ford…however, I am content to admire him from afar…sigh…
Wendy