This time you’re going to do it!
Nothing is going to stop you from getting in shape.
You purchased an expensive exercise machine and you plan to work out every day.
Allow me to help you create your exercise program:
Day 1: Open exercise equipment box.
Day 1: Lay out parts.
Day 1: Misplace parts.
Day 1: Swear profusely.
Day 1: Punch wall, injure hand, wait one month to exercise while injury heals.
Day 32: Work out harder than you’ve worked out in years. Blow your wife a kiss as she sees you exercising and winks.
Day 33: Cry all day in bed because arms and legs ache and refuse to move. Cover your face with pillow when your wife sees you crying and shakes her head.
Day 40: Take it slow, don’t want to overdo it again. Five minutes seems about right.
Day 41: Up to ten minutes now. Finally getting a rhythm.
Day 42: Wife hangs laundry on exercise machine because “you barely ever use it.” You explain about your injuries and how you exercised the last two days. She apologizes but doesn’t sound sincere. As she clears the laundry you remember you have a dryer and she obviously hung the clothes to make a point.
Day 43-50: You don’t work out because your wife keeps coming into the room and looking at you and then looking at the exercise machine. You get the message, but you’re not going to exercise until she stops silently nagging you.
Day 51: She hangs laundry on the machine again. You don’t say anything.
Day 52: You decorate the machine with her knitting needles and half-finished scarf, unopened card-making kit, dusty pottery wheel, and pristine condition flower arranging textbook.
Day 944: Clear off exercise machine and move it to garage.
Day 945: Sell machine at garage sale for 10% of what you paid and after sales pitch on how machine changed your life. Huff and puff as you help load equipment into buyer’s car. Wife hears huffing and puffing and asks if she should call a doctor. Remarks on soaked shirt clinging to gut and suggests you get in better shape.
Carl D'Agostino
June 17, 2011
You can get tired just looking at it. If it was made in China it will be an “exercise” in futility to put it together. Parts will not fit, were not included, wrong size nuts and bolts and parts break and crumble when trying to assemble. Everything they make is like this and I would care to “exercise” my right to nuke the whole country.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
It’s only a matter of time until IKEA sells exercise equipment. I think I’ll be able to put it together, but I’m not sure how long it will remain standing.
Hippie Cahier
June 17, 2011
It’s Day 52 that really elevates this piece to masterful.
averageinsuburbia
June 17, 2011
I was going to say the same thing. I like this idea and I think I can use it to my advantage (insert evil laugh here)…
manneredgold
June 18, 2011
Agreed. Cannot think of any other necessary reply.
thoughtsappear
June 17, 2011
This is exactly what happened with my roommate and her eliiptical. Except she’s not married, so I guess that make me the wife.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
This is why I never tell anybody I’m going to get in shape. It’s hard to have your wife or roommate giving you disgusted looks every time you walk past the exercise equipment while eating a bag of Cheetos.
Bearman
June 17, 2011
Maybe you should get a job moving exercise equipment. Seems to be the only thing that you break a sweat doing.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
That should have been his wife’s final comment.
k8edid
June 17, 2011
I put a beer holder with a long straw and a remote control pocket on my husband’s stationary bike in hopes he would finally use it. No such luck. For me, I just buy exercise videos – they take up a lot less space and require much less huffing and puffing to move.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
A beer holder and a remote control on the bike are the kind of silent nagging I could tolerate.
Brown Road Chronicles
June 17, 2011
I’ve tried this program and it works… seriously folks… try it… you’ll never look back. I made $10.00 on the last piece of equipment I sold. I was able to buy two Grande Lattes from Starbucks. Awesome!
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
Thanks for your testimonial. I hate to cut into your profit margin but I think you owe me one of those lattes for my advice.
Jillian Harvie
June 17, 2011
Sounds about right…. I will keep this in mind when I finally purchase the ab coaster… which looks amazing and will make me look amazing.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I would suggest not telling anyone about the ab coaster and hiding it under a bed so you can’t be nagged if you don’t use it.
thelifeofjamie
June 17, 2011
You forgot Day 61- tired of wife’s looks, you suggest she use it.
Day 62- have doctor surgically remove part of equipment from your ass
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
She keeps slim by burning calories through constant judging.
writerdood
June 17, 2011
Use leftover parts to construct a robot that will exercise for you. Sell robot to NASA and go on a diet of beans and antelope meat.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
How did you know I was working on an exercise robot?
Lenore Diane
June 17, 2011
If I get rid of my Nordic Track, where will I hang my hats and shirts?
And seriously, when I dust – I have to dust it. Sad. So very sad.
Reason #345 I love my husband: He has not uttered one word about the non-used machine.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
You deserve some credit for having the most expensive hat rack in town.
Renee Davies
June 17, 2011
I like how this plan strays from getting fit to weird guilt, silent stares, and knitting needles.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
You worry you’ll have buyer’s remorse, but you have no idea all the other emotions you’ll experience.
pegoleg
June 17, 2011
Just don’t make the fatal mistake we did, which totally ruined the program. We got a rowing machine. No possible way to use it to hang laundry, cuz it’s flat to the floor. Next time, it will be a Nordic Track for sure!
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I would definitely recommend more of an upright machine because they can be used for laundry as well as for hanging Christmas lights and decorations.
Spectra
June 17, 2011
This is histerical! Jeez…
Last year (or so) I bought a beautiful workout machine featuring those thick rubber bands for resistance. Price: $20.00 from Goodwill. I used it. Twice. It became a collector of books and junk mail. A dove turd. A mousetrap.
After 16 months, I finally moved it to my bedroom, because guests were stopping by.
It now supports: Underwear. Books. A Dove turd.
I am really rocking it now! Think how much weight I may lose cleaning off those things. and scrubbing off that dove turd.
manneredgold
June 18, 2011
This might be obvious, but, um, you have doves in your house? Like, out and about, turding on your stuff?
Doves. Huh.
pegoleg
June 18, 2011
Thanks for asking this for me. Inquiring minds, etc…
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I knew all about your mice problems, but I had no idea about your dove infestation.
Spectra
June 18, 2011
Hadn’t realized my admission of a dove issue would set people off like this! I have but one dove, and I let her out to fly each day. She especially liked landing on the handle of my machines chest press, and that is where she preferred to pass her morning dump. It was a problem. SInce moving the machine to my bedroom, to be used as a clothing rack, well, now she has taken to landing on my computer while I write. Several keys now stick, and are ‘crackly’ when you push down on them. I think you know why.
pegoleg
June 18, 2011
I’m more disturbed.
manneredgold
June 18, 2011
Thank you for your dove explanation. I now have peace.
Girly
June 18, 2011
I just thought maybe she was a magician.
pegoleg
June 18, 2011
Good call, except we’d be hearing about the rabbit poop as well.
Rachael Black
June 17, 2011
Frighteningly enough I actually used my treadmill, at least four days a week, every week.
Now Lucky Ex-Husband-Number-Two hangs his clothes on it. Along with my living room furniture set, bedroom furniture and, oh yeah! my house, cash and everything else I handed over in order to obtain a divorce from the (genetically naturally thin) bastard.
Not that I’m still bitter 10 years later. Not me!
Just chubby.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I hope he didn’t get to keep any of your clothes to hang on it–that would be too far.
jacquelincangro
June 18, 2011
But wait! With my new ab rocker I’m really going to stick to the program this time. Really.
Stop laughing.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I didn’t say anything. I just gave you a look.
Laura
June 18, 2011
My exercise machine gets hours of use every day — by my cats, who love to curl up on the seat.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
My cat loves to scratch my weightlifting bench, further eroding its already miniscule value.
Billie Jo Woods
June 18, 2011
I am going to show this to my husband to back up my argument that we do not need yet another piece of exercise equipment and in exchange I will promise not to buy knitting needles that I will never use either.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
You’ve got to break the vicious cycle.
sportsjim81
June 18, 2011
My new treadmill has been in the folded up position for over a month now as my basement slowly comes back together after a waterproofing fiasco that left me with no carpet and 3 out of 4 walls missing. I suppose I could have moved it upstairs…but come on, that’s an awful lot of work.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
Moving that treadmill upstairs sounds a lot like exercise.
spilledinkguy
June 18, 2011
Hahaha…
yeah, that sounds about right. I… hang on a minute… sorry… all this typing… I’m a bit winded….
🙂
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
I break out in a sweat just from reading comments. My eyes can’t keep up this pace.
modestypress
June 18, 2011
Read 13,317 comments.
Post 19,992 replies to comments.
Make appointments with physical therapist, accupuncturist, reiki masseur, somatherapest, chiropractor, …
Thomas Stazyk
June 18, 2011
Day 946–Look in mirror and decide you need an exercise machine to keep buff.
The Good Greatsby
June 18, 2011
That was also Day 0.
Ape No. 1
June 18, 2011
Am I the only one that thinks that your Elliptical Trainer, shown alongside days 41 to 51, resembles a mechanical Rocky Balboa with a velociraptor head, throwing his arms up in the air and roaring triumphantly after successfully running up a flight of steps and punching some chilled suspended beef. Surely this image would have made you to train harder or at least inspired you to scream “Adrian!” quite loudly into random stranger’s faces for a few days. It says to me it is time for “Jurassic Measures!”.
I gather, by the awkward silence I sense as I type this comment, that I am alone in this observation.
Casserole Dish
June 19, 2011
Laughing at this post from my spot on the couch is the most exercise I’ve had today.
Surrey gal
June 19, 2011
Have you installed spying cameras in my house??
infinite monkey theorem
June 19, 2011
Guilt trip for sale…some assembly required. If you were wealthy enough to purchase a warehouse full of the things, you could get a decent workout loading them into other peoples cars. But call them open air closets, they’ll be more popular that way.
Binky
June 20, 2011
I’ll buy it!
the master
June 23, 2011
This post unsettles me because I have a treadmill, and genuinely use it to hang clothes on. I have long felt a failure because of this, and now I find out I’m not even an original failure. Dang.
writerwoman61
June 25, 2011
I’m thinking that putting a pottery wheel on an elliptical is going to make it kind of hard to use…oh, wait…
Wendy
検査合格 専門店
October 30, 2013
Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads
up. The words in your post seem to be running off the screen in
Opera. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I thought I’d post to let you know.
The layout look great though! Hope you get the problem fixed soon.
Kudos