Your New Exercise Program

Posted on June 17, 2011

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This time you’re going to do it!

Nothing is going to stop you from getting in shape.

You purchased an expensive exercise machine and you plan to work out every day.

Allow me to help you create your exercise program:

Day 1: Open exercise equipment box.

Day 1: Lay out parts.

Day 1: Misplace parts.

Day 1: Swear profusely.

Day 1: Punch wall, injure hand, wait one month to exercise while injury heals.

Day 32: Work out harder than you’ve worked out in years. Blow your wife a kiss as she sees you exercising and winks.

Day 33: Cry all day in bed because arms and legs ache and refuse to move. Cover your face with pillow when your wife sees you crying and shakes her head.

Day 40: Take it slow, don’t want to overdo it again. Five minutes seems about right.

Day 41: Up to ten minutes now. Finally getting a rhythm.

Day 42: Wife hangs laundry on exercise machine because “you barely ever use it.” You explain about your injuries and how you exercised the last two days. She apologizes but doesn’t sound sincere.  As she clears the laundry you remember you have a dryer and she obviously hung the clothes to make a point.

Day 43-50: You don’t work out because your wife keeps coming into the room and looking at you and then looking at the exercise machine.  You get the message, but you’re not going to exercise until she stops silently nagging you.

Day 51: She hangs laundry on the machine again. You don’t say anything.

Day 52: You decorate the machine with her knitting needles and half-finished scarf, unopened card-making kit, dusty pottery wheel, and pristine condition flower arranging textbook.

Day 944: Clear off exercise machine and move it to garage.

Day 945: Sell machine at garage sale for 10% of what you paid and after sales pitch on how machine changed your life. Huff and puff as you help load equipment into buyer’s car. Wife hears huffing and puffing and asks if she should call a doctor. Remarks on soaked shirt clinging to gut and suggests you get in better shape.

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