And That’s a Wrap 2015: Library Death Zone 4

December 31, 2015

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Goodbye, 2015. We hardly knew ye. Here are my highlights: 1. Library Death Zone 4 The last day before Christmas break my son Luke had a big dance performance at school. I told him ‘Dance like there’s nobody watching, because your recital is the same time as your brother’s football game.’ If you’ve followed this […]

Posted in: humor

5 Tips for Surviving Your Child’s Christmas Pageant

December 21, 2015

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For those of you who don’t have children and are spending wild nights out on the town, parenting may not seem very exciting or glamorous, but, it isn’t. Although parenting has its rewards. I’ve heard. At least that’s what all the parenting books say. Not that I’ve read any parenting books, but my wife put […]

Posted in: Family

Stop Trying to Prove Doctors Wrong

August 12, 2015

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I came across a headline that read ‘The World’s Most Precise Clock Could Prove Einstein Wrong’. Apparently a clockmaker invented an atomic clock so precise that it could disprove some of Einstein’s theories on the constancy of certain physical properties. Guys like this clockmaker annoy me to no end. Don’t you hate those people who […]

Posted in: Columns

Intern Wanted

June 12, 2014

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Do you have what it takes to join The Good Greatsby team? The Good Greatsby, aka Paul Johnson, has fallen behind on maintaining his blog and is looking for a talented, hard-working intern to do all the work of maintaining this site while Paul continues to do all the work of taking credit for this […]

Posted in: Columns

And That’s a Wrap: 2013

January 14, 2014

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At the end of 2011 I posted a summary of my year: And That’s a Wrap I meant to do the same at the end of 2012 but I got distracted watching Game of Thrones and forgot to do anything in 2012. 2013 In January I started writing the back page Slice of Life humor […]

Posted in: Columns

Goodbye, Megatron

January 7, 2014

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After eight years of constantly being startled, our cat Megatron died two days before Christmas. I’ve loved animals all my life and have had dozens of pets over the years, but I spent more time with Megatron than any of them. I worked from home for six of her eight years and she spent anywhere […]

Posted in: Columns

Scientists Prove What’s the Matter with Kids Today

December 16, 2013

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In a study sponsored by your parents, scientists have revealed kids today can’t run as fast or as far as their parents. I didn’t need a study to tell me that. My children’s tear-streaked, dust-covered faces way back there in the distance tell all. As far as I understand, this study considers my generation to […]

Posted in: Columns

When I Was a Kid Things Were Tough

November 1, 2013

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When I was a kid things were tough–so much tougher than the kids today have it. The toughest part for my generation was that it was so hard to find anybody to complain to about how tough things were. The kids today can whine once on Facebook and immediately reach hundreds of people. But when […]

Posted in: Family

The Fonz Rebrands His Brother

October 11, 2013

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My twelve-year-old son Optimist Prime has always prided himself on never following the crowd and never doing something just because the popular kids say it’s cool. It has me kind of worried. The doctors tell us he should have outgrown his idealism by now. His mother and I are having a hard time making him […]

Posted in: Family

Why Aren’t People Talking About Me Behind My Back?

September 30, 2013

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They say “success breeds envy,” and I spend a lot of time wondering: If I’m as successful as I think, why aren’t more people envious of me? And when I say ‘why aren’t more people envious of me?’ I could just as easily write, ‘why aren’t any people envious of me?’ And why aren’t more […]

Posted in: Columns

A Responsible Life is a Life Half Lived

August 22, 2013

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When you’re just a kid you look at all the life ahead of you as a series of milestones: I can’t wait to be a teenager. I can’t wait to get my driver’s license. I can’t wait to get a fake driver’s license. I can’t wait to have sex for the first time. I can’t […]

Posted in: Family

Money Can’t Buy You Happiness…But It Can Get You Awfully Close

July 25, 2013

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They say money can’t buy happiness, but I’m willing to give it a try. And how do scientists even know whether money can buy happiness without conducting empirical research on a subject, possibly someone like myself who volunteers to be given a million dollars a year for the rest of his life? I’d do it. […]

Posted in: Columns