I’ve traveled all over the world and love everything about traveling except the travel. I’d love to have all those exotic places come to me without having to leave the house. I’ve been taking my shoes off at airports for years and years and I’m tired of re-tying shoelaces. I’d love to work as a travel writer, but without having to eat any new foods or take off my shoes. That’s why I’m hoping to start a new sub-genre of travel writing that doesn’t review tourism, but rather tourism commercials.
As I’ve traveled the world I’ve watched a lot of CNN International and the biggest advertisers are related to tourism. Countries invest big money in tourism campaigns with names like ‘Incredible !ndia’ or ‘Wonderful Indonesia’ or ‘Above Average Austria’. These commercials feature a series of idyllic shots containing smiling locals in colorful costumes guiding a handsome couple through picturesque skylines and verdant landscapes bathed in golden sunlight, and I always think to myself, What are they hiding? This must be India wearing make-up, all dressed up for a special occasion. But what does India look like with a hangover at 6:00AM Monday morning?
I’m skeptical of any country pandering so hard to attract my tourism dollars. I’m more motivated by exclusivity. I read a study that suggested consumers in high-end clothing stores purchased more when the salesman was snooty versus helpful. When the salesman acted like he didn’t take the customer seriously, the customer is actually motivated to purchase more than if the salesman had been aggressively friendly.
The most popular clubs become popular by pretending they’re impossible to get into. That’s why I’m suggesting more tourism campaigns motivated by indifference and exclusivity.
China: Standing Room Only
Italy: Casual Fridays Punishable by Death
England: Your Lip Could Be Stiffer
Norway: You Must Be This Tall to Use Our ATM –>
Australia: We Double-Booked Your Seat and Hotel and Rental Car But Can Offer You Two Complimentary Tickets to New Zealand.
New Zealand: No Shirt, No Shoes, Try Australia
Japan: 58 Days Without a Godzilla Attack
France: Let’s Just Be Friends
Singapore: Tuck in Your Shirt
Spain: Closed for Siesta. Check Back in 2017.
Luxembourg: Three References and Credit Check Required
India: Take a Number and Have a Seat
Germany: Austria is Down and to the Right
Denmark: Are Those Cookie Crumbs on Your Shirt?
Belgium: Giving Directions to the Netherlands Since 1830
The Good Greatsby 
Kate Crimmins
January 27, 2016
I traveled to a Caribbean island during the early 70s. It was just starting tourism. I stayed at the best hotel there which was a Holiday Inn. The locals had siesta from noon to 2. That means every bar and restaurant at the hotel closed during those hours. I wasn’t all that pleased with their lack of interest in tourists!
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
But you’d already traveled there, Kate. At that point the locals indifference had already lured you in.
empathy75
January 27, 2016
it’s nice. I had a good laugh.
Vanessa-Jane Chapman
January 27, 2016
I think you’re definitely on to something here. People want things more if they think they can’t have them – why hasn’t the tourism industry woken up to that sooner?
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
I don’t want to go anywhere that just anybody can enter. I’m all for keeping out the riff-raff unless the riff-raff is me.
aFrankAngle
January 27, 2016
Well put about loving travel except the travel itself. Love the play between Australia and New Zealand. … and a nice ending with Belgium making me chuckle.
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
Australia sure gives New Zealand a lot of grief considering more tourists come from NZ than any other country.
aFrankAngle
January 27, 2016
I didn’t realize there was a lot of needling between the two.
The Good Greatsby
January 28, 2016
They kind of have a US-Canada dynamic. The US makes tired jokes about Canada being a forgotten next-door neighbor and Canada pretends to laugh. Although Australia makes much bawdier jokes.
rossmurray1
January 27, 2016
Before travelling to Newfoundland this past summer, a friend of mine who lives there sent me this beautifully lit, idyllic tourism commercial that has had it’s audio track cleverly doctored. Having visited now, I can attest that it’s pretty much spot on. (But visit anyway; it’s gorgeous.)
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
Hahaha. That’s brilliant. I loved the book The Shipping News. The landscapes sounded so beautiful but the description of the weather made me want to stay home.
She's a Maineiac
January 27, 2016
That was hilarious! It could be a video for Maine. Tourists think it’s all ocean breezes and lobster tails here all year round.
rossmurray1
January 27, 2016
Hey, I’m from Nova Scotia. “Canada’s Ocean Playground” my ass!
Jackie Cangro
January 28, 2016
Fantastic! The voice over sounds a bit like Ben Stiller.
rossmurray1
January 28, 2016
Hmmm… you never know.
merewoman
January 27, 2016
Unlike you, I love travelling. I’m more attracted to the low end than luxury, because I believe there’s a greater likelihood of something exciting, like a murder, or gas explosion to occur if you are staying somewhere rough. We’ve been to many 5-star resorts in the distant past, but they were pretty boring because nothing really happened. There’s nothing to remember afterwards unless there’s a drama. All I recall of our stay in high-end resort in Florida is that nobody believed there were alligators in the ornamental lake, and people sunbathed around it and paddled at the edge. Until the evening we saw a gator as big as a train carriage lying on the grass.
Very funny post.
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
Our vacations became much less memorable once we had kids and had to start staying at safe, clean hotels on the nice side of town. I don’t miss it but at the same time I don’t remember any of the nice places nearly as well as the dangerous ones. Relaxation isn’t nearly as memorable as gunshots or a gas explosion.
Carrie Rubin
January 27, 2016
Ha, these are wonderful. Love the Germany one.
I love traveling too, but like you, I don’t enjoy the getting there part. That’s why my superpower of choice is teleportation. As long as my bags could come with me. And the clothes I’m wearing…
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
I’m convinced the travel and real estate industries have been keeping teleportation technology from advancing. Can you imagine what it would do to real estate prices?
Carrie Rubin
January 27, 2016
Ha, good point! Not to mention how broke the airlines would be.
hmunro
January 27, 2016
You are BRILLIANT. Thanks for the laughs. (PS: You should visit Minnesota sometime. As we say, “Come for the culture; stay because you’re frozen to the sidewalk.”)
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
I’ll add Minnesota to my list. What month of the year am I least likely to be frozen to the sidewalk?
hmunro
January 27, 2016
June. June is excellent, because most of the ice has melted, the mosquitoes are just hatching, and the risk of tornadoes is still quite low. (I love it here!)
List of X
January 27, 2016
USA: No Muslims or Mexicans allowed. (Wait, that’s the new slogan starting in 2017).
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
That will just make them want to come even more.
Matt
January 27, 2016
That made me snort. Always both entertaining and insightful.
Lady Dickson
January 27, 2016
God I loved the siesta’s in Spain.
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
I haven’t been to Spain. I do love to take a nap but I’m not sure I want to pay my way to Spain just to do it.
In My Cluttered Attic
January 27, 2016
Has it really been that long? 58 days! Has anyone in Japan thought to send out a search party? Just asking. I mean, its Godzilla for God’s sake, he’s the biggest attraction they have. I wonder what he’s up to now? In 1954 he was reported to be 164 ft high, though there are rumors circulating now that he’s reached a height of 300 feet. I think this may just be a travel company trying to attract more journalist to Tokyo to lure the big guy out for a one on one exclusive. Oh, have you tried a canvas shoe? I hear they’re much better than shoes that have more lace than any shoe actually requires. 😀
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
Japan won’t realize what they had until Godzilla is gone. Of course nobody wants him to destroy a city, but some stomping around in view of tourists a couple times a year is good for business.
In My Cluttered Attic
January 27, 2016
Not to mention the yen either. :O)
silkpurseproductions
January 27, 2016
Back in my former life when I could afford to travel and to shop, I remember one particular snooty salesperson who did not want to deal with me. I continually solicited information from them and they continually focused their attention on my companion. As I was the one with the money and wanting to make a sizeable purchase this did not sit well with me. I made a list of each item I wished to purchase and then went to the nearest competitor and purchased everything. Dude missed out on a big commission by being as ass.
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
Did you go back and tell him? It’s disappointing to think he never realized his mistake. I like to come back through the store with a bunch of bags from a competitor.
bumeveybaca
January 27, 2016
Reblogged this on evey.bumbaca.
bumeveybaca
January 27, 2016
Wow, feels like I’m there. Hilarious. Innovative. Thanks for sharing!
-Evey
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
If I can make readers feel like they’re there without having to leave the couch my work is done.
bumeveybaca
January 27, 2016
No! Keep going.
Bridgesburning Chris
January 27, 2016
Ah the idea you can’t have something does make it enticing. I can’t have pretty much everything and everything is what I want.
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
That’s a very concise way of putting it.
Life With The Top Down
January 27, 2016
I love your list, especially Italy. We have people wearing pajama pants to the store, so I’m actually all for the death sentence in these cases.
The Good Greatsby
January 28, 2016
I can’t comprehend highlighting any single day as ‘casual’. Americans seems to be in a slouching race to out-casual each other.
She's a Maineiac
January 27, 2016
Are you telling me none of these countries actually have golden sunshine and verdant landscapes?! Another illusion crushed, thanks. And now I’m never going on my dream vacation to Italy because it’s casual Friday for me every day. (plus I’m deathly afraid of flying)
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
Australia is the only place I’ve visited that does its tourism promos justice. They don’t have an ozone layer so the colors are even brighter.
She's a Maineiac
January 27, 2016
Sweet. I love pretty colors. Who needs ozone anyway?
The Good Greatsby
January 27, 2016
That’s exactly how the Australians feel. That’s why they’re so fond of saying ‘No worries.’
marymtf
January 28, 2016
Great job of stereotyping, Great.
Being an Australian, I liked those comments the best. I’m off to polish the dangly corks on my Akubra.
Jackie Cangro
January 28, 2016
I’m not sure how well we’re doing here in NYC with tourism campaigns.
Taylor Swift is our new tourism “ambassador”
The Good Greatsby
January 28, 2016
I read something about how Taylor Swift had fallen in love with New York and become its official ambassador. I guess we can expect a song on her next album about how New York broke her heart.
The Guat
January 28, 2016
Ha! I’m loving your campaigns Belgium had me rolling. But I totally get what you mean by what are they hiding? “…what does India look like with a hangover at 6:00AM Monday morning?” Ha! LOVED that line because I know exactly how you feel. I don’t see too many ads for countries over here though, mostly other states or cities trying to get me to visit them. Recently I saw a billboard ad with a couple of people biking on a trail laughing it up and in big white letter it had the name of the town followed by Awesome Lives Here. I was like … no … no it doesn’t live there.
The Good Greatsby
January 28, 2016
I feel like state tourism is even more misleading. India is a big country and I’m sure a 30-second commercial can find a lot to surprise me, but I feel like I’ve already got a strong sense of what different US states are like. I’ve never been to Michigan but I’ve met dozens of people from Michigan and not one has said, ‘You’re missing out.’ The ‘Pure Michigan’ campaign is not going to convince me.
susielindau
January 28, 2016
You probably know about this. https://www.tsa.gov/tsa-precheck You wouldn’t have to take off your shoes in the US!
The Good Greatsby
January 28, 2016
Interesting. I’d just taken to going barefoot.
Elyse
January 28, 2016
The French slogan certainly wasn’t co-opted from a waiter.
ValentinaHay
January 28, 2016
Great post! I have often wondered the same thing whenever I see Incredible India on the billboards. Even though I am an Indian, I have to say that it isn’t always as “incredible”. And yes. Mondays are bad. Really bad.
The Good Greatsby
January 29, 2016
I’d still like to visit India some day. I’m hoping to see every scene featured in the Incredible !ndia commercials, and if it’s a long drive in between these scenes I hope somebody else will be driving while I get some sleep.
Mark Petruska
January 29, 2016
One word: loafers.
Blogdramedy
January 29, 2016
You’re like the Groucho Marx of travel writers.
“I wouldn’t want to be part of a club who’d have me as a member” or words along those lines.
*grin*
The Good Greatsby
January 29, 2016
Yes, I have a hard time committing to anything that would make a commitment to me. I can’t trust the judgment of any country or club that would solicit my membership.
Lorna's Voice
January 29, 2016
So that’s why everyone wants to come to America. We’re giving off that get-the-Elmer-Fudd-outta-here vibe. We don’t want your hungry, tired, or weak masses yearning to be free. That was so 19th century. Sigh.
The Good Greatsby
January 29, 2016
Yes, all our anti-immigrant rhetoric is a conscious effort to seem artificially exclusive. It’s working.
Lorna's Voice
February 10, 2016
Like a charm… 😐
pearlsandprose
January 30, 2016
Whew, going to Norway this summer. Glad I’m tall!
philosophermouseofthehedge
February 3, 2016
I know what New Orleans looks like the day after Mardi Gras ends. Sticky among other things.
Advertising is hilarious. When flying, I kept seeing a full color elegant spread featuring a lovely beachside oasis – in Galveston. What? Where is this place? How could I miss this? It’s a small island. Photoshop and creative writing is such a joy.
I’m ready for NZ! You nailed Spain.
Jim Wheeler
February 8, 2016
Tourism is the ultimate subjective experience. We live one block from the historic Route 66 highway in Missouri, something people from all over the world come to see. It’s a 2,000 mile twisty road dotted with quaint touristy shops and restored antique remnants, a drive-in, a barber shop, a filling station, an old motel, even murals for photo backdrops. Having lived through it, I can’t get excited. Yawn. Still, I understand. People want something different from their usual experience and in this case it’s culture and history.
Good post, Greatsby.
Bourgeois Alien
July 4, 2016
I want to hire you as my tour guide. Is that wrong?
Dirk Dirkinson
May 25, 2017
Lets be honest, it’s more about the people than the beautiful earth quake, and how could you possibly be mugged by U.S. sailors in Perth unless you paid $1500 to fly to Australia?