Indifferent Tourism Campaigns

Posted on January 26, 2016

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I’ve traveled all over the world and love everything about traveling except the travel. I’d love to have all those exotic places come to me without having to leave the house. I’ve been taking my shoes off at airports for years and years and I’m tired of re-tying shoelaces. I’d love to work as a travel writer, but without having to eat any new foods or take off my shoes. That’s why I’m hoping to start a new sub-genre of travel writing that doesn’t review tourism, but rather tourism commercials.

As I’ve traveled the world I’ve watched a lot of CNN International and the biggest advertisers are related to tourism. Countries invest big money in tourism campaigns with names like ‘Incredible !ndia’ or ‘Wonderful Indonesia’ or ‘Above Average Austria’. These commercials feature a series of idyllic shots containing smiling locals in colorful costumes guiding a handsome couple through picturesque skylines and verdant landscapes bathed in golden sunlight, and I always think to myself, What are they hiding? This must be India wearing make-up, all dressed up for a special occasion. But what does India look like with a hangover at 6:00AM Monday morning?remotelands-com2

I’m skeptical of any country pandering so hard to attract my tourism dollars. I’m more motivated by exclusivity. I read a study that suggested consumers in high-end clothing stores purchased more when the salesman was snooty versus helpful. When the salesman acted like he didn’t take the customer seriously, the customer is actually motivated to purchase more than if the salesman had been aggressively friendly.

The most popular clubs become popular by pretending they’re impossible to get into. That’s why I’m suggesting more tourism campaigns motivated by indifference and exclusivity.

China: Standing Room Only

Italy: Casual Fridays Punishable by Death

England: Your Lip Could Be Stiffer

Norway: You Must Be This Tall to Use Our ATM –>

Australia: We Double-Booked Your Seat and Hotel and Rental Car But Can Offer You Two Complimentary Tickets to New Zealand.

New Zealand: No Shirt, No Shoes, Try Australia

Japan: 58 Days Without a Godzilla Attack

France: Let’s Just Be Friends

Singapore: Tuck in Your Shirt

Spain: Closed for Siesta. Check Back in 2017.

Luxembourg: Three References and Credit Check Required

India: Take a Number and Have a Seat

Germany: Austria is Down and to the Right

Denmark: Are Those Cookie Crumbs on Your Shirt?

Belgium: Giving Directions to the Netherlands Since 1830

Posted in: humor