When my kids were small my wife told me I shouldn’t tease them, and I told her that it was too late to re-negotiate the terms of our agreement to have children. Teasing and its potential for producing comedy material was one of the strongest ‘pros’ in the reproduction column. Unfortunately, as the kids have grown so has their ability to see through my teasing. They’ve learned to quickly read my face and tone of voice, and as it’s grown near impossible to trick them I will admit my interest in parenting has waned.
I’ve re-focused my energies on technology where they don’t have the advantage of seeing my face or interpreting my vocal inflections. Last summer while traveling my 11-year-old son Luke and I were chatting and as he tried to explain the plot of the movie Inside Out, I tried very hard not to understand his explanation.
LUKE:
and there are personality islands for different peoples personalitys
hers are goofy, family, honest, friendship and hockey
but they disappear because of reasons
DAD:
Sounds complicated.
LUKE:
not really when you watch it in order
LUKE:
you should watch it
DAD:
I’m glad Disney finally put Goofy in another movie.
LUKE:
no, no, no
I mean the trait
DAD:
Isn’t it funny that Goofy can talk but Pluto can’t? They’re both dogs.
LUKE:
oh yeah
DAD:
Did Goofy talk in Inside Out?
LUKE:
dad, goofy wasn’t in inside out
DAD:
You said Goofy was a personality island.
LUKE:
okay, the personalit islands were places not people
LUKE:
yeah, I mean the goofy trait
DAD:
And Goofy is on one of the personality islands?
LUKE:
like “that’s so goofy”
no, dad
DAD:
I think I get it.
You mean goofy like when someone is being silly.
LUKE:
yes
DAD:
Goofy is a silly character.
LUKE:
yeah…
and
DAD:
I bet Goofy got into all sorts of silly trouble on that goofy personality island.
LUKE:
NO DAD
LUKE:
goofy wasn’t in it
the island was
but goofy isn’t
DAD:
???
LUKE:
goofy island doesn’t have goofy on it
it’s pretty much uninhabited; okay?
DAD:
The island is uninhabited?
LUKE:
yes
it’s an island in her brain
DAD:
He must get so lonely.
LUKE:
UGHHHHH
goofy isn’t in inside out at all
only the trait is
DAD:
What movie is Goofy in? I thought we were talking about Inside Out.
LUKE:
we are
but goofy isn’t in inside out
DAD:
I wish Goofy had been in that movie. He was the only reason I wanted to see it.
…
Nostalgia: Here’s one of my favorite posts from when Luke was seven and much easier to deceive: An Interview with Apollo Fonzarelli
The Good Greatsby 
susielindau
January 12, 2016
I thought sex was one of the strongest ‘pros’ in the reproduction column. That was a pretty goofy conversation, but I probably won’t tune in. The main character sounds like she’s ‘tripping.’
The Good Greatsby
January 12, 2016
In my defense, at the time I was making my pros and cons list I was still a bit uninformed on the connection between sex and reproduction.
susielindau
January 12, 2016
Ha! I bet Luke could explain it to you.
The Good Greatsby
January 12, 2016
And I would try very hard not to understand his explanation.
Kate Crimmins
January 12, 2016
Luke deserves an award for patience with a clearly deranged parent.
The Good Greatsby
January 12, 2016
I completely support you creating and giving him one.
pegoleg
January 12, 2016
The Clearly Deranged Parent Awards would be a monster hit on Nickelodeon – guaranteed.
pegoleg
January 12, 2016
I noticed your battery was only at 46% at the end of your conversation. My dad said never to drop below half a tank in case your car goes off the road in a blizzard and you’re stuck until a snow plow comes along. I think he was talking about gas, but I think the same thing would apply for phones.
Just a little safety tip for you.
The Good Greatsby
January 12, 2016
You’re probably right. Some see the battery as half empty but I try and see it as half full.
Carrie Rubin
January 13, 2016
Hehe, hope you’re saving up to pay for your son’s therapy. 😉
This is how my teen sons talk to me. Their teasing is relentless. Luckily I can take it. And I understand that’s a teen boy’s way of showing love. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
I don’t plan to contribute to his education. I feel like the training he’s getting now will prepare him to argue his way into any scholarship.
Carrie Rubin
January 13, 2016
Ha, good point.
Vanessa-Jane Chapman
January 13, 2016
So let me get this right, Goofy turned himself inside out so that he could move to an island? That Goofy, what’s he like!
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
That Goofy is an enigma. He refuses to be predictable.
Bridgesburning Chris
January 13, 2016
Do your children have gray hair? And is it gray or grey? You know those are the very stories your children will tell their offspring someday when they are being goofy and blaming it on you.
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
They don’t have any gray hair yet, but I can identify a few of my own that can be attributed to them so I wouldn’t feel terrible about giving some back.
becomingcliche
January 13, 2016
Your son was very patient with you. You should be pleased. He’s going to put you in a Nice Home when the time comes.
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
And I’ll try very hard to turn that experience into comedy.
becomingcliche
January 13, 2016
I believe in you.
Elyse
January 13, 2016
Another year of therapy for that boy of yours.
But I miss those teasing days. My son is 25 and he does it to me. And then he tells his friends. It’s like living in a sit com.
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
For some reason it never occurred to me that they might turn the tables when I get older.
Elyse
January 13, 2016
Payback is hell.
She's a Maineiac
January 13, 2016
Oooh! Poor Luke! Well, I would NEVER do that to my kids! You should be ashamed of yourself and…(oh my god I can’t even finish typing out this sentence with a straight face)
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
He may feel annoyed now but when he gets older he’ll look back at these texts and recognize them as evidence of how much time we spent together.
List of X
January 13, 2016
You know this is going to end up in your son’s stand up set, right?
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
As long as it leads to more publicity for my stand-up career I’m fine with it.
pearlsandprose
January 13, 2016
Definitely good training for a future lawyer. Or therapist. 🙂
Brown Road Chronicles
January 13, 2016
Frankly I’m just impressed that you are able to have a conversation with your son, even via text, that involves more than one (or at best) two word replies! On his part of course, not yours…
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
Yes I make sure we spend plenty of time texting each other. It’s probably the only practice he gets reading and writing.
Mark Petruska
January 13, 2016
Sex is pretty goofy, too. Especially if you do it inside out.
Jackie Cangro
January 13, 2016
I love the part where Luke gets so frustrated with you that he has to type “UGHHH”
Well done! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
Yes it would have been much more difficult to verbally express that same level of ‘UGHHH.’
Tippy Rex
January 13, 2016
I teach 12 year olds, and literally nothing is worse than listening to them summarize things. My ears want to grow hands and set fire to themselves. That’s why teachers favor the shoebox diorama.
The Good Greatsby
January 13, 2016
I’m sure you’ve been privy to many video game summaries as well. My son seems to enjoy the summarizing of the video game much more than the playing.
Tippy Rex
January 13, 2016
Some conversations you end knowing less than you began with. Such are these.
In My Cluttered Attic
January 13, 2016
Paul, I suspect after conducting this experiment in teasing technology your interest in parenting is no longer waning. I can’t wait to hear your back and forth with Luke about how Goofy makes out in the “The Good Dinosaur.”
The Good Greatsby
January 14, 2016
I’ll have to ask him if he’s seen that one yet. I should look on IMDB for all Goofy’s future projects so I have an excuse to spend time with my son.
In My Cluttered Attic
January 14, 2016
I think bonding over a Goofy movie should be a time honored tradition. Much better than that early goofy tradition, where early neanderthals Grog and son Thag bonded while holding a staring contest with a T-Rex. It was kind of a one and done thing.
widerangingramblings
January 13, 2016
This is hilarious!! Though I do advise you to see Inside Out, though Goofy would have been a great addition it is still a good film! Your son is a SAINT btw!
The Good Greatsby
January 14, 2016
He’s extremely patient. I worry he’s training me to unreasonably expect the same level of patience in everyone.
widerangingramblings
January 14, 2016
Maybe that’s going to be how he gets revenge? He seems very smart!
Cole Adler
January 13, 2016
Does the hockey island have ice and snow? That would be pretty chill.
The Good Greatsby
January 14, 2016
Remember the Goofy cartoon when he played winter sports? I bet he’d love it on hockey island. I should tell Luke.
Lunar Euphoria
January 13, 2016
He was so very patiently trying to explain it to you — again and again and again. Haha! What a great kid!
marcfunbee
January 14, 2016
I’m laughing so much. Thats like a discussion I had with my mum about the friend suggestion thing on Facebook. Except… I don’t think she was teasing me
The Good Greatsby
January 14, 2016
I had the same experience. I learned all my confusion tactics from my mom, but I don’t think she was joking.
marcfunbee
January 14, 2016
Ah. And your son will learn them from you! I see the beginning of a cycle, your grandkids will probably come complain to you about how confused their father is being and with a straight face you will say something like “I don’t know where he learnt that”.
Binky
January 14, 2016
The only point in having kids is to be able to annoy them. I think you’ve taught your kid much too much patience for this to work much longer.
The Good Greatsby
January 14, 2016
I hadn’t thought of it like that. I guess I should be worried they’ll both be so conditioned to dealing with a difficult person that they’ll probably be fine marrying someone obnoxious.
Lady Dickson
January 15, 2016
I love a good troll. This is fantastic.
gerknoop
January 16, 2016
I LOVE this post!
aFrankAngle
January 16, 2016
Very humorous … just trying to figure out who needs therapy.
moonskittles
January 18, 2016
Well, my son’s name is Luke (but he is only 4), I guess we will have to give this a go and let him share his thoughts 😀
Holly
January 18, 2016
Nothing better than f..ing with the mind of an 11 year old!
helbergfarmstories
January 20, 2016
Great job dad! You can’t do anything without the proper sense of humor! Loved it!
silkpurseproductions
January 23, 2016
I didn’t have any better luck explaining the movie to He-Who. Kudos to Luke.
Bourgeois Alien
June 15, 2016
I’d like to hire him to write my website. LMK