
I was watching the news and they said the majority of murder victims are killed by people they know. I bring this up any time my wife tries to get me to meet new people. The fewer people you know, the safer you’ll be. I say no to parent teacher conferences, open houses, book clubs, and meeting my siblings’ children. It’s better to be safe than friendly.
If I have to be murdered I do hope it’ll be by somebody I know, because the only thing worse than getting murdered, is getting murdered and having to make small talk. ‘What’s your name? So where are you from? What do you do when you’re not shooting people?’
I was recently visiting my parents and came into the room while they were watching Cold Case Files. Every episode starts with the same formula: A cheerful description of idyllic, wholesome Americana followed by an ominous switch.
Narrator: ‘A typical sunny morning in Scottsdale, Arizona. Children ride bikes. A dog chases a tennis ball. An elderly couple jogs along a street lined with white picket fences. (Ominous change in tone.) But behind those picket fences lies a secret.’
Narrator: ‘A typical snowy morning in Denver, Colorado. Children build a snowman. A dog chases a snowball. An elderly couple clears snow from a street lined with snow-covered white picket fences. (Ominous change in tone.) But beneath that snow lies a secret.
I’ve begun to suspect ominous secrets hidden behind the veneer of anything wholesome or idyllic.
Narrator: ‘A typical sunny morning in Mom’s kitchen. Pictures of children dot the refrigerator. A pecan pie cools on the windowsill. (Ominous change in tone.) But beneath those pecans lies a secret.’
I think viewers would love a new take on the traditional formula, perhaps a show that started ominous but switched to cheerful.
Narrator: (Ominous tone.) ‘A typical overcast day in Detroit, Michigan. Back alleys covered in weeds. Graffiti. Broken glass. (High-energy, cheerful change in tone.) But beneath that broken glass lies a secret plan to recycle that glass and use the money to pay for after school art programs.’
I’d watch that show. Maybe I should consider pitching the idea to studio executives, but I don’t know any studio executives, and meeting new people is a risk I’m not willing to take.
Kate Crimmins
February 24, 2016
You could try to sell your idea! Good luck with that.
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
I’d pitch the idea if I already knew some studio executives. I don’t want to meet anyone new.
Kate Crimmins
February 24, 2016
Of course you don’t! Far too dangerous. Entertainment is a very dangerous field.
Invisible Mikey
February 24, 2016
Some of the recycled glass got in the pecan pie!!! That, or Mrs. Greatsby did it, in the kitchen, with a rolling pin. Don’t ask me. I haven’t a clue. I read this after waking up too fast from a nap.
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
‘Recycled glass in the pecan pie’ certainly sounds too specific to be made up.
Exile on Pain Street
February 24, 2016
Be a loner and you’ll live longer. But you’ll eventually start to hate yourself because you’re a such a loner. Better to have a wide circle of friends and get stabbed in the eye than spend another insufferable Saturday night binging Netflix by yourself, is what I always say.
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
That’s a pretty long saying. ‘Better to have a wide circle of friends and get stabbed in the eye than spend another insufferable Saturday night binging Netflix by yourself.’ How long have you been saying that? I’m not sure it’s going to catch on without some second draft tightening.
Exile on Pain Street
February 24, 2016
That’s one of my more succinct philosophies. I have a longer one that involves gambling, watching Oprah, being kind to stray dogs and picking the toilet seat up.
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
That’s a lot of advice. I’m not optimistic on your chances of making it stick. If it somehow involves Oprah maybe you can get her to plug it.
Kath Carroll
February 24, 2016
What a great piece! Thanks for the laugh!
Yahooey
February 24, 2016
And behind this humourous post lies a secret.
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
Cue ominous voice and music.
Sheila Moss
February 24, 2016
Ha, very funny piece. Remind me to never have a white picket fence if I want my secrets to be safe.
Elyse
February 24, 2016
Watching TV has given me Brit-a-phobia. Every time I see those pastoral scenes of the British Isles, somebody dies. I am much too afraid to go there — I can’t take my Uzi with me!!!!
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
So true. Miss Marple and Poirot always start off in pastoral scenes and end in murder. No thanks, Britain.
Elyse
February 24, 2016
It’s a tourism nightmare.
List of X
February 24, 2016
“But behind that after-school arts program lies a secret…”
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
I hope the secret has nothing to do with murder. Hopefully the secret is only that the kids have no artistic talent.
List of X
February 25, 2016
No, the secret is that it was this art school’s kid who are painting all these mysterious picket fences white.
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2016
Couldn’t we both be right? Maybe the kids are indeed painting those picket fences white but are doing a terrible job of it.
Ian Webster
February 24, 2016
Yes, I like your logic. Mainstream logic is often quite deadly.
People say you should drive slowly. But it’s on the roads that accidents happen. Me, I drive as fast as I can to get off the road and out of danger as quickly as possible.
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
That’s pretty smart. People kept telling me most car accidents happen close to home, so I moved.
Aimee
February 24, 2016
I love it! As a Detroiter, I would welcome a TV show that doesn’t end in ominous overtones for our city 😊
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
But behind all that lead poisoning lies a secret…I don’t know what the upshot of lead poisoning might be. Maybe it provides an immunity to Zika.
Aimee
February 26, 2016
That would be the only upside, I suppose! I think there are a LOT of secrets behind that lead poisoning and they are hiding in the state capitol.
Life With The Top Down
February 24, 2016
Ugh the struggle of small talk. So, what’s up with those knives and rope you have there buddy?
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
I can just imagine him using those ropes to tie me up and telling a story about learning to tie knots with his dad at Boy Scout camp. Just kill me already.
Life With The Top Down
February 25, 2016
Hahahaha! Seriously
She's a Maineiac
February 24, 2016
I hate small talk so much I’d be helping the guy kill me.
I love watching those mystery shows. I even have a CD of ominous music I like to listen to when I drive because I just want to be prepared if I were to crash.
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
The CD is a smart idea. It’s always a surprise to have an accident when no ominous music was playing. How was I supposed to know something dangerous was about to happen? I’ve never had a car burst into flames either. Movies and TV have made real life disappointing.
anshurao
February 24, 2016
Nicely written
Jackie Cangro
February 24, 2016
Narrator: A typical humor blog. A picture of a pecan pie is posted. People are reading. People are commenting. (Ominous tone). But beneath this blog lies a secret…
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2016
It’s true I have a secret. I’ve never had pecan pie. If I gave that impression I apologize. I don’t know why I thought I could mislead people.
Gabriella E.
February 25, 2016
I had to put my head down and cover my mouth so the other customers of this Starbucks would not assume I was a mental case on account of my stifled laughter. The hilarity is too much for me!
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2016
I was just in Starbucks. Were you that mental case girl in the corner?
Gabriella E.
February 26, 2016
I’m not admitting to anything.. But I might have been…
In My Cluttered Attic
February 25, 2016
It’s probably just as well you decided not to meet any studio executives. Cue Bill Curtis, alias the “Ominous toned” narrator, “It was another typical day in the mind of Paul Johnson—where nothing is ever typical—when he suddenly decided to expand his circle of friends to include… studio executives. He proposed to pitch an idea for a cheerful alternative to the Cold Case Files via teleconference. But behind all those studio executives and their smooth, polished veneer lied a deep dark secret: they had a smooth, polished veneer—and no sense of humor.”
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2016
How about a TV show in which studio executives are killed by someone they know–an aspiring writer who had recently pitched them on a TV show about studio executives who are killed by someone they know? You think they’d go for that?
In My Cluttered Attic
February 26, 2016
Oh yeah, especially if they thought they could make a buck. But, they’d have to live life in the fast lane (given that their life expectancy is bound to be short), but they’d probably do that anyway since they’re very self-absorbed.
Lorna's Voice
February 25, 2016
The pecan pie is filled with artery-clogging yummy stuff. Won’t kill you quick enough for network execs, but will kill you eventually. As for your switcheroo idea, happy does not sell ad minutes. Maybe in Canada, but not in Amerika. I’ve been lobbying for a “Good News” channel, but it hasn’t caught on. I’m getting kind of exhausted. If I get sick and die because of my efforts, maybe that will get some air time…
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2016
So Mom’s pecan pie is playing the slow game? Interesting.
We’ve got to find a way to sell good news. I once set my homepage to a ‘good news’ website to force me to remember to get my good news fix but it just can’t compete with voyeurism and tragedy.
marymtf
February 26, 2016
Voyeurism’s the thing. That’s why anti-social media thrives.
There’s a good news website?
Lorna's Voice
February 28, 2016
I know. It’s discouraging. Perhaps a good start might be sending brownies spiked with pot to FOX News. Just keep them coming every day and see if the “news” personalities would mellow out. Then maybe the viewers would mellow out. You never know. 🙂 Of course, I live in Washington State and I can just go to the Cannabis Country Store (actual name) and pick me up some legal pot and chillax…
JGood
February 25, 2016
Hey,I have nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award!
http://jgoodwithsports.com/2016/02/24/one-lovely-blog-award/
The Good Greatsby
March 1, 2016
Thanks so much. I’d like to thank all the little people…but at a distance. I don’t want to actually shake any hands or meet anyone new.
Mark Petruska
February 26, 2016
Sounds like every episode of Dateline narrated by Keith Morrison. The man is a poet disguised as a network true crime journalist.
The Good Greatsby
March 1, 2016
I don’t think I’ve watched Dateline, and I’m certainly wary of getting to know this Keith Morrison character.
philosophermouseofthehedge
February 26, 2016
Your show concept might work, but always have an exit plan with stranger meetings.
The Good Greatsby
March 1, 2016
I usually ask my wife to call me at a pre-arranged time and then excuse myself by explaining I have an emergency cocktail party to attend.
artvent28
March 19, 2016
Ha! So true! I love these shows, of course it’s hard to beat the paranormal shows in terms of formula and cheesiness!
monicastangledweb
March 20, 2016
Seriously, while you worry about being murdered by someone you know, including your nieces and nephews, I am sick with worry that I’m going to be snuffed out by a terrorist. It can happen anywhere, which is why I never leave my house anymore. Unless I have to, that is. But enough about my paranoia. Yours is much more fun. Should it be curtains for you, I’m happy to let the police know of your hunch that it was someone you knew. Anything for a friend. 😉
pattisj
June 8, 2016
PLEASE pitch your show idea! 😀