Every year at Christmas it was a tradition for Mom to make her ‘World Famous Potato Salad’. It was also a tradition for the salad to be terrible. We’d try and explain potato salad was more of a summer food, and she’d say that was fine because summer was when she’d prepared it. When I asked the kids at school if they’d heard of Mom’s potato salad I was surprised to learn many children also had family members who claimed ownership of world famous recipes, e.g., Grandma’s World Famous Cookies; Great Aunt Margaret’s Internationally Recognized Chili; Uncle Ed’s United Nations Endorsed Cream of Mushroom Soup. What were the chances of one small suburban town producing so many world-class recipes?
As an adult I’ve submitted every one of these ‘world famous’ recipes to the TV show Mythbusters and the fact-checker website Snopes.com. Turns out there’s no international potato salad oversight committee and the criteria for calling any food ‘world famous’ or ‘world’s best’ are essentially non-existent. Thanks for nothing, United Nations. I’ve sent cease and desist letters to my Mom and all her neighbors.
Cease and desist, Mom!
The world loves a winner, but how we do know who’s the most winningest of winners? How does America’s best potato salad stack up against the rest of the world? And what about our movies and our music and our athletes? The world loves awards and award shows but how do I know which award or potato salad should impress me most? How do America’s Oscars compare to Germany’s Golden Bear? How does the Heisman compare to the BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year? How does the Nobel Peace Prize compare with Mom’s Friendliness Awards? I won Mom’s Friendliness Award three times but I’ve never won the Nobel Peace Prize. Those phonies on the Nobel committee say they want peace, but I’m the only one willing to fight for it.
I propose The 1st Annual Award Show Awards Recognizing Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Awards to honor the best in awards and award shows. Not only will we determine the best award in various categories, e.g., film, music, humanitarian, potato salad, but we’d also recognize the award shows themselves. The Oscar telecast recognizes the best in film but how does the Oscar telecast compare to the Grammys or the Tony Awards or the Man Booker Prize presentation? How does Oscars host Neil Patrick Harris compare to Nobel Peace Prize presenter Kaci Kullman Five? They both have three names but is that where the similarities end?
And which award is the world’s greatest award?
And most importantly, how do I win it?
The Good Greatsby 
Harold Rhenisch
January 5, 2016
But, gasp, isn’t that your Mom taking the Oscar for her potato salad, right there at the top of your post? Maybe she left you with a sitter that night?
The Good Greatsby
January 5, 2016
She compensated by leaving me with an award-winning sitter.
Kate Crimmins
January 5, 2016
I’ll start shopping for my red carpet outfit. Isn’t that the most important part?
The Good Greatsby
January 5, 2016
Dressing classy will certainly help distract attention if you don’t have a good speech prepared.
Kate Crimmins
January 5, 2016
Classy? I haven’t seen too many classy outfits these days. Peep holes everywhere!
Carl D'Agostino
January 5, 2016
If you could get the Booger Humorist Award from Dave Barry that would be quite an accomplishment. A few years back a blogger visited me relating on how he wanted to write a great novel and win the Pulitzer for it. I explained the Pulitzer, he never wrote back. Poor sap.
The Good Greatsby
January 5, 2016
Please contact Dave Barry’s representatives on my behalf.
gerknoop
January 6, 2016
I think that is an EXCELLENT idea! An awards show to award the awards shows! Maybe we can get Steve Harvey to host it and redeem himself.
The Good Greatsby
January 6, 2016
Steve Harvey is an inspired choice. People wouldn’t be nearly as upset if he had declared the Oscars as the award of all awards and later took it back. It’s hard to feel awkward for an inanimate object.
List of X
January 6, 2016
Maybe your mother wasn’t an expert in making potato salads, but she apparently discovered that you can invent an award and just (completely legitimately in a thoroughly transparent process) award it to yourself.
The Good Greatsby
January 6, 2016
That’s the exact same reasoning Mom used when replying to my cease and desist letter.
List of X
January 6, 2016
Was it a regular cease and desist letter, or the World’s Most Menacing Cease And Desist letter?
marcfunbee
January 6, 2016
This is so funny because I watched an annoying cartoon earlier today (because I was forced to! I repeat forced to!) Where the “non-winners” held a contest to find out who the biggest “non winner” is.
Now that, I thought to myself, is an award to top all other *sniffs* mediocre awards. I mean who cares that you did better than other people in a field? Pfft!
The Good Greatsby
January 6, 2016
An award for non-winners isn’t a bad idea. If the ultimate goal is to have as many award shows as possible I don’t think we can limit ourselves to only awarding achievement. We should also consider those who excel at lack of achievement.
The Cutter
January 6, 2016
The worlds greatest award is obviously the one I won for Trivial Pursuit in 5th grade
The Good Greatsby
January 6, 2016
It’s hard to make the argument for being the world’s greatest award when your award has ‘trivial’ in the title.
The Cutter
January 6, 2016
Ouch. Way to diminish my accomplishment
She's a Maineiac
January 6, 2016
Loved that game! But I never got an award because I would always choke on history. The question, not the tiny plastic wedge. (actually both)
She's a Maineiac
January 6, 2016
Damned if I know the answer. I’m still distracted by Cary Grant who obviously just won Most Dashing Chin Dimple of the Year award.
The Good Greatsby
January 6, 2016
I knew the Cary Grant pic would pull in a lot of readers. My new posting strategy is to start with a Cary Grant picture and build from there.
She's a Maineiac
January 6, 2016
Good plan. If you do that I’ll be sure to stop by often just to get my chin dimple fix.
dianasschwenk
January 6, 2016
Ha! Just so you know… I make the world’s best potato salad! 😉
Diana xo
The Good Greatsby
January 6, 2016
Your cease and desist letter is in the mail.
dianasschwenk
January 6, 2016
hahaha! 😀
Life With The Top Down
January 6, 2016
I would love to see a work place award show. A nomination for “Best Smile While Having Murderous Thoughts” would be stellar.
The Good Greatsby
January 7, 2016
Reminds me of the Dundie awards on The Office. They had an award for everything. I’m sure they had that category.
In My Cluttered Attic
January 7, 2016
Finally, a possible award winning post on proposing an award show for awarding an award to award winning shows and ‘World Famous Award Winning Potato Salads’…and other assorted award categories. You know, I think it’s just possible this post could get a nomination for a chance to win an award for suggesting we have an award for the world’s greatest award. That would be only right don’t you think, since the word ‘great’ forms part of the name of your blog?
The Good Greatsby
January 7, 2016
I’ll send the tux to the cleaner and start working on an acceptance speech.
In My Cluttered Attic
January 7, 2016
And I’ll have to start practicing being one of the seat-filler people for the telecast. That way I can look like I know what I’m doing and sit professionally when I have to fill your seat—after they announce you as the winner. Wouldn’t want to make a mistake and sit to soon—it might look a little silly if I were to wind up sitting in your lap.
SportsChump
January 7, 2016
Please send some of that potato salad to SportsChump Manor, Tampa, FL, 33637. Of course, I’ll cover all postage and expenses.
A buddy of mine told me when he makes his potentially award-winning chicken salad, he sautes the chicken breast, spices it, chops up some onion, chops up celery fine, throws in some grapes, cooks up a whole bunch of other shit and voila… chicken salad.
Don’t get me wrong. That sounds delicious. Also sounds like a whole bunch of effort when I can just open up an aluminum can and toss in some mayonnaise… but I guess to each his own.
The Good Greatsby
January 7, 2016
Yeah I’m in the same boat. The ‘secret’ ingredient in good recipes always turns out to be ‘work’. Pass.
judithhb
January 7, 2016
And once again the award goes to …but it’s the first annual award so sorry you can’t win as it will be called nepotism if your moyjer’s vote goes to you. That sentence is no more confusing than your post but hey I’m coming back to see Carey again and again. Could I nominate him for an award? Maybe the smiling east eyes on the day?
judithhb
January 7, 2016
I think moyjer’s vote should have read mother’s vote but who knows. Maybe you are related to moyjer.
The Good Greatsby
January 7, 2016
I won’t rest until both mother and moyjer promise to vote for me.
judithhb
January 7, 2016
And smilingest eyes. My iPad has a mind of its own
monicastangledweb
January 7, 2016
Leave it to you to come up with a new way to make me laugh. By the way, my kids tell me I make the world’s greatest banana bread. They even gave me an award for it, so am I eligible for your award’s show? 😉
The Good Greatsby
January 7, 2016
I happen to be an expert on banana bread and I can’t say I’m familiar with yours. But if your kids say it’s the greatest, and they can prove some sort of technical accreditation qualifying them to judge banana bread on behalf of the world, I’m completely on board.
Laura
January 7, 2016
Is your mom a time traveler from the future? Because her potato salad wasn’t world famous when you were a kid, but it is now that you’ve posted about it. She probably just got a little confused about verb tenses.
The Good Greatsby
January 7, 2016
Not only is my mom a time traveler, she’s a world famous time traveler? Are you saying you haven’t heard of her?
1pointperspective
January 7, 2016
It’s an honor just to be nominated. That being said, I want my crown/trophy/ribbon.
The Good Greatsby
January 8, 2016
I agree. A nomination is an honor but it also didn’t cost the committee anything. An expensive trophy would take the honor to the next level.
Jackie Cangro
January 8, 2016
There should be a “World’s Greatest Award” award.
Imagine how long the awards show would be.
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2016
Just imagine how many categories that would involve. The ‘World’s Greatest Award’ could include the actual design of the award, the financial value of the award, the perceived cachet of the award, etc.
The Guat
January 9, 2016
Ha! United Nations endorsed Cream of Mushroom Soup, cease and desist! I was rolling over here. That’s too funny. Yeah Award of Award Shows … I’m down that sounds like a plan, because there are too many to count, but I will say I like your Award of Awards for Award Show Host is pretty awesome, Neil Patrick Harris makes your list, huh? I wonder how Ricky Gervais will do this weekend? I’ll stay tuned to read your thoughts. Thanks for the laughs.
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2016
Ricky Gervais is a pretty good host. I’m willing to throw him into the mix.
Tippy Rex
January 9, 2016
Why is everyone so freaking competitive?? At Spa Castle, a Korean spa near home, there is a sign up prohibiting “competitive breath holding.” WHY??
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2016
I might actually do well in that competition. I can yawn for 34 seconds. My kids timed me.
Tippy Rex
January 9, 2016
You need to get more sleep, dude.
susielindau
January 9, 2016
We should nominate each other for whatever award you come with so we win the greatest one!
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2016
I was hoping someone would make that suggestion. I feel like it would be poor form to nominate myself after coming up with the idea for the awards. I’m just waiting for someone to spearhead the nomination process.
susielindau
January 9, 2016
I’m your girl! Just point me in a direction. Better yet, maybe we could come up with one of our own.
Vanessa-Jane Chapman
January 12, 2016
That potato salad does not look good. I had considered my potato salad to be merely average, but now I think I’m really in with a chance for the prize. If you can produce a full list of all the categories at some point, I’ll decide which other ones I’m eligible for.
pearlsandprose
January 13, 2016
Who needs potato salad when you’re a three-time winner of Mom’s Friendliness Award?
the only deadhead in the hameau
January 15, 2016
And while we’re at it, why is it called the World Series when it’s only open to American teams?