The 1st Annual Award Show Awards Recognizing Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Awards

Posted on January 5, 2016


Every year at Christmas it was a tradition for Mom to make her ‘World Famous Potato Salad’. It was also a tradition for the salad to be terrible. We’d try and explain potato salad was more of a summer food, and she’d say that was fine because summer was when she’d prepared it. When I asked the kids at school if they’d heard of Mom’s potato salad I was surprised to learn many children also had family members who claimed ownership of world famous recipes, e.g., Grandma’s World Famous Cookies; Great Aunt Margaret’s Internationally Recognized Chili; Uncle Ed’s United Nations Endorsed Cream of Mushroom Soup. What were the chances of one small suburban town producing so many world-class recipes?

As an adult I’ve submitted every one of these ‘world famous’ recipes to the TV show Mythbusters and the fact-checker website Turns out there’s no international potato salad oversight committee and the criteria for calling any food ‘world famous’ or ‘world’s best’ are essentially non-existent. Thanks for nothing, United Nations. I’ve sent cease and desist letters to my Mom and all her neighbors.

Cease and desist, Mom!

Cease and desist, Mom!

The world loves a winner, but how we do know who’s the most winningest of winners? How does America’s best potato salad stack up against the rest of the world? And what about our movies and our music and our athletes? The world loves awards and award shows but how do I know which award or potato salad should impress me most? How do America’s Oscars compare to Germany’s Golden Bear? How does the Heisman compare to the BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year? How does the Nobel Peace Prize compare with Mom’s Friendliness Awards? I won Mom’s Friendliness Award three times but I’ve never won the Nobel Peace Prize. Those phonies on the Nobel committee say they want peace, but I’m the only one willing to fight for it.

I propose The 1st Annual Award Show Awards Recognizing Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Awards to honor the best in awards and award shows. Not only will we determine the best award in various categories, e.g., film, music, humanitarian, potato salad, but we’d also recognize the award shows themselves. The Oscar telecast recognizes the best in film but how does the Oscar telecast compare to the Grammys or the Tony Awards or the Man Booker Prize presentation? How does Oscars host Neil Patrick Harris compare to Nobel Peace Prize presenter Kaci Kullman Five? They both have three names but is that where the similarities end?

And which award is the world’s greatest award?

And most importantly, how do I win it?

Posted in: Humor Columns