Browsing All Posts filed under »humor«

You’ve Been Tying Your Shoelaces Wrong

April 27, 2017

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Breaking News: According to the International Institute for Studies, studies have shown more studies are needed. Study 1: Science on a shoestring budget This is embarrassing. I’ve been tying my shoelaces wrong for three decades. Scientists have solved the mystery of why our shoelaces untie when we walk. A team at UC Berkley spent two […]

The Canceling Plans Revolution

February 28, 2017

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When I look back at my life I realize all my happiest moments involved plans falling through. When Mom flips through a photo album and talks about the big moments in life that brought her joy, a wedding, a family reunion, a child’s piano recital, I realize all of my happiest, most fulfilling moments have […]

80% of Success is Showing Up. 20% is Never Leaving

January 11, 2017

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‘80% of success in life is just showing up.’ I like to remember that saying when setting resolutions for the new year. Success isn’t about hard work. It’s about showing up to parties you weren’t invited to. The origins of the saying are uncertain. Some attribute the quote to Woody Allen, but others say it […]

FREE. The Confused Man’s Guide to Publishing Success

November 2, 2016

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I carefully consider each rejection I receive, and I’m sorry to say that yours isn’t a perfect fit for me. I do appreciate that you wrote to me and wish you the very best luck finding a different writer to reject.

Dr. Heimlich, Ebola, and the Strange Case of Jennifer Herpes

June 2, 2016

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The 96-year-old inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, Dr. Henry Heimlich used the technique last week to save an 87-year-old woman choking on a piece of meat. This was the first time Dr. Heimlich had used the maneuver to save a life, though he’d used it many times to save on drinks: ‘Who wants to cough […]

Revenge of the Rubik’s Cube Nerds

May 26, 2016

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Last weekend I accompanied my 12-year-old son as he competed in an all day Rubik’s Cube competition. It was exhausting. Not for him but for me. After just an hour my voice was already hoarse from shouting, ‘Nerd. Nerd. Nerd. You and you and you. Nerds.’ But the nerds were everywhere. My sons keep telling […]

Air Conditioners for President!

March 15, 2016

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I’m a peace-loving man. Indeed I was kicked out of the Peace Corps for loving peace too much. Those phonies in the Peace Corps say they want peace, but I was the only one willing to fight for it. As part of my commitment to spreading peace I’m constantly studying the science of aggression, and […]

Starting a To-Do List is on My To-Do List

February 9, 2016

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An inventor recently sued 3M for 400 million dollars, claiming he invented the Post-it note back in 1973. He claims his product was called the Press-on and he showed it to 3M executives in 1974. I can’t help wondering why it took him over 40 years to sue. How do you forget someone owes you […]

Adele’s New Single is Selling Like Hot Dogs!

February 2, 2016

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When I was a kid everyone gave me career advice. Dad said, ‘Paul, you’ve got to study computers. Computers are selling like hotcakes.’ My brother said, ‘You’ve got to study programming. Dotcoms are selling like hotcakes.’ My brother-in-law told me, ‘Study real estate. You gotta flip properties. They’re selling like hotcakes.’ I gave it some […]

Indifferent Tourism Campaigns

January 26, 2016

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I’ve traveled all over the world and love everything about traveling except the travel. I’d love to have all those exotic places come to me without having to leave the house. I’ve been taking my shoes off at airports for years and years and I’m tired of re-tying shoelaces. I’d love to work as a […]

My 11-Year-Old Tries Very, Very Hard to Explain the Plot of Inside Out

January 12, 2016

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When my kids were small my wife told me I shouldn’t tease them, and I told her that it was too late to re-negotiate the terms of our agreement to have children. Teasing and its potential for producing comedy material was one of the strongest ‘pros’ in the reproduction column. Unfortunately, as the kids have […]

And That’s a Wrap 2015: Library Death Zone 4

December 31, 2015

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Goodbye, 2015. We hardly knew ye. Here are my highlights: 1. Library Death Zone 4 The last day before Christmas break my son Luke had a big dance performance at school. I told him ‘Dance like there’s nobody watching, because your recital is the same time as your brother’s football game.’ If you’ve followed this […]