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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Questions You Can’t Ask During Parent Teacher Conference
The boys had their parent teacher conferences last week and my wife attended both conferences without me because she’s a librarian at the boys’ school and worries I might embarrass her by asking inappropriate questions. Whenever someone asks if I have any questions, whether it’s a doctor, a teacher, or the police, I fight the […]
Posted in: Family
Hitting the Manipulation Jackpot
April 2, 2012
Last week many Americans were closely following the Mega Millions lottery offering a record $800 million jackpot. Some people were excited about the possibility of winning the jackpot, but even more people were excited by the prospects of taking advantage of somebody who won the jackpot. Here’s how I understand the odds: The chances of […]
Posted in: Columns
As the Chinglish World Turns
April 1, 2012
I wanted to purchase this pocket financial planner but I reconsidered after taking to heart the message on the cover: ‘Save your money!’ I didn’t even have to purchase the planner and its wisdom already saved me money. ….. Mrs. Greatsby has wanted to get a globe for the kids, and I considered purchasing this […]
Posted in: Chinglish
The Fonz and Whatshername Plot Thickens
March 30, 2012
I keep asking my seven-year-old, The Fonz, if he has any new updates on his romance with his Italian classmate, Whatshername. There hadn’t been much to report since my previous Fonz and Whatshername post and I realized maybe that’s because relationships for seven-year-olds don’t go any further than her giving him the nickname ‘Fun Guy’ […]
Posted in: Family
I’m Shocked! Absolutely Shocked!
March 28, 2012
I’m shocked! Absolutely shocked! Yesterday, Fox News pundit Geraldo Rivera apologized after he was criticized for suggesting parents might want to prevent their teenagers from wearing hoodies if hoodies caused teens to be singled out as potential troublemakers as part of his commentary on the Trayvon Martin case. I was shocked! Absolutely shocked! Right-wing radio […]
Posted in: Columns
If She Had Four Eyes, One Should Be On Me
March 26, 2012
Mrs. Greatsby is in the last lap of completing her master’s degree. After three years of hard work and not paying enough attention to me, she’s only a month a way from completing her thesis and fulfilling my dream of her paying more attention to me. I was pretty satisfied with the amount of attention […]
Posted in: Family
Chinglish Friendship
March 25, 2012
I spotted this jewelry box and thought it might make a good parting gift to a friend you wanted to cut loose: The implied finality of the statement makes it a perfect parting gift. ‘I wish our friendship could last for ever,’ but it can’t, so enjoy this jewelry box while you’re getting over it. […]
Posted in: Chinglish
90 Minutes as a Billionaire
March 23, 2012
In Denmark, 300 people were mistakenly informed they had won 3 billion euros by the state-run lottery company. They were sent an email informing them of their winnings and an hour and a half later they were sent an email informing them of the mistake. I assume the first and second email were accompanied by […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
My Pain in the Neck and Back
March 21, 2012
I continue to recover from a back/neck injury and have had to cut down my posts as I’ve suffered some nerve problems in my hands and the doctor told me typing sixteen hours a day wasn’t helping. My recent back injury has forced me to adapt a recurring joke: In the past whenever people would […]
Posted in: Columns
The Distracted Detective Strikes Again…Or At Least I Think He Did
March 19, 2012
As I’ve written before, I’ve often fantasized about being a detective because I like a good mystery, enjoy calling women ‘dames’, and appreciate any excuse for staying out late. And I’m pretty good at deciphering clues. Just last week Mrs. Greatsby asked me who had tracked jam all over the kitchen floor and it only […]
Posted in: Family
My Plot to Meet Zooey Deschanel or Zoey Deschanel
March 16, 2012
As part of my ongoing campaign to meet Zooey Deschanel and trick her into falling in love with me, I’ve been trying to acquire the domain name zoeydeschanel.com. Here’s my strategy: 1. Buy the domain zoeydeschanel.com. 2. Find a woman named Zoey Deschanel and promote her webpage until she’s bigger than the original Zooey Deschanel. […]
Posted in: Columns
Detergent Thefts Leave Stores Hanging Out to Dry
March 14, 2012
News reports claim American stores are experiencing a spike in thefts of Tide laundry detergent. Apparently the high retail value of Tide, $10 to $20 a bottle, and the lack of a serial number, make it an attractive target for thieves to steal and resell. I’m pretty sure the story has been blown out of […]
Posted in: Headlines
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