My Plot to Meet Zooey Deschanel or Zoey Deschanel

Posted on March 16, 2012


As part of my ongoing campaign to meet Zooey Deschanel and trick her into falling in love with me, I’ve been trying to acquire the domain name Here’s my strategy:

1. Buy the domain

2. Find a woman named Zoey Deschanel and promote her webpage until she’s bigger than the original Zooey Deschanel.

3. Use the webpage to promote a TV pilot for my Zoey Deschanel called, Newer Girl.

3. After Zooey Deschanel sues me for stealing her name and image, agree to turn over the website to her if she agrees to sing a duet with me.

I’ve been tracking the domain name and the owner offered to sell it for $1200. This seemed a little pricey for a strategy that has almost no chance of working. I resorted to plan B and purchased the much more affordable domain name, but have been unable to find a woman named Zoo Ey Des Chanel to promote.

I finally offered the owner $300. He replied:

Thank you for the $300 offer for this domain. We are looking to build this site to a fan site and would not take less then $1200 for this domain name.

Thank you,


I knew my best chance in negotiation was to not let on how badly I wanted the site:

Hi Derick,

Are you looking to build this domain up as a fan site for the actress Zooey Deschanel or as a fan site for my 8th grade science teacher, Miss Zoey Deschanel? Are we thinking of the same person?

I can up my offer to $320.


He responded:

Hi Paul,
 Surprisingly, there are multiple people named Zoey Deschanel and Zooey Deschanel. As for the actress, according to search data, more people spell her name wrong than spell it right.  Since you’re wanting to buy it for a real person that you know I’d be willing to meet you in the middle at $700.  Let me know if you agree to that price and if so I will send you an invoice.


I replied:

Hi Derick,

If more people spell her name wrong than spell her name right, I’m actually worried that a lot of people will come to my fan club page and be disappointed when the page is a celebration of my 8th grade science teacher and not a fan club for the actress Zooey Deschanel.

I’m starting to believe the actress Zooey Deschanel is much more famous than my teacher Zoey Deschanel. I looked up Zoey Deschanel in Google images and not one picture of my science teacher came up in the search results.

How about $350 and I’ll throw in an autographed picture of the science teacher, Miss Zoey Deschanel?


Derick replied:

How about $550 and an autographed picture of your science teacher?

Derick has refused to budge from this price.

Isn’t $550 way too much? I’ve got multiple strategies in the works for meeting Zooey and the total budget for all of those is $1000–and that includes a plane ticket for me to fly to LA to record our duet.

You may enjoy my two love letters to Zooey:
Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel
Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel, Part 2


I’m competing in Educlaytion’s March Movie Madness Deux. My hero Ali Mills, The Karate Kid‘s girlfriend, is going head-to-head with Andy Dufresne of Shawshank Redemption. I chose Ali because even though Daniel is considered the hero, isn’t Ali the real hero for going out with him while he was still weak, a terrible dresser, poor, and getting beat up all the time? There’s nothing attractive about getting kicked in the face all the time and it takes a real hero to kiss that constantly-kicked face. I need your votes.

March Movie Madness at Educlaytion

Posted in: Columns