As I’ve written before, I’ve often fantasized about being a detective because I like a good mystery, enjoy calling women ‘dames’, and appreciate any excuse for staying out late.
And I’m pretty good at deciphering clues. Just last week Mrs. Greatsby asked me who had tracked jam all over the kitchen floor and it only took me a second to realize it was our cat, Megatron. (Cats have different foot sizes than humans. Go stand in your cat’s litter box and you’ll know what I’m talking about.)
Despite my talent for understanding the meaning of clues, I have the inconvenient flaw of not noticing clues. Even the most obvious clues. I believe this is the result of a medical condition called Stareintospaceitis wherein the brain enjoys fantasizing about being a detective more than actually doing the work of being a detective.
My wife is usually supportive, but not when it comes to my dream to be a detective. Not only doesn’t she encourage me, she actually mocks my lack of detective talent by setting up clues for me to miss. Mrs. Greatsby took this to an extreme last weekend at dinner with our friends, Shannon and Andrew. Shannon and Mrs. Greatsby left to go to the ladies room and it wasn’t until they’d been back fifteen minutes that she asked if I’d noticed the two of them had swapped outfits.
At least Andrew didn’t notice either–and he’s a much better detective than I am since he’s always complimenting my wife’s new manicure or haircut when I didn’t notice. Thanks, Andrew.
Another thing she’s pointed out is that I’ve let the kids go to school in clothing covered with stains. I told her the kids seemed clean when they got on the bus so there must have been a giant puddle inside the bus. She disproved this theory by showing me the layer underneath the top layer was dirty as well.
To keep my wife from being disappointed when I don’t notice a haircut or manicure or if I ask if an outfit I gave her six years ago is new, I’ve created the following preemptive list of things I can and cannot be expected to notice:
Injuries
Eye patch or a neck brace: Yes.
Cast on one arm: No.
Cast on two arms: Yes.
Wheelchair: Yes.
Hook hand: Yes, especially if it’s equipped to open beer bottles.
Make-up
New eyeliner: No.
Zombie eyeliner: Yes.
Change in eye color: Eventually.
Teeth
New gold molar: No.
Teeth made all of Chiclets: Yes.
Hair
Dreadlocks: Yes.
Haircut: No.
Change in hair color to anything other than pink of purple: No.
Shaved head: No.
Shaved head to have hair made into a wig that she’s wearing: No.
Dress
Pirate: No.
Hobo: No.
Olivia Newton-John from Xanadu: Yes and Yes.
Zooey Deschanel: Yes.
Nails
Encrusted with dried blood: No. (I keep telling her, that’s why I’d be such a good alibi. “Why no officer, she didn’t come home with her nails encrusted with dried blood.” And I’d pass a lie detector test.)
I retain the right to add other things in the future. And I’m going to hand her this list just as soon as she gets back from wherever she took the kids and all our stuff. And the suitcases. And the passports.
…..
Click here to see the caption contest winner and submit a caption in the new contest.
The Good Greatsby 
susielindau
March 19, 2012
Don’t feel bad. I think it’s a guy thing. My husband is the same way. I gave him the heads up when I cut my hair short otherwise it would have taken him a week to notice!
The Good Greatsby
March 19, 2012
In my defense, my wife didn’t notice when I shaved a goatee I’d had for two years until a few days later.
susielindau
March 19, 2012
Seriously? Hahaha! I bet you didn’t let her live that one down for a while!
k8edid
March 19, 2012
Perhaps you could detect why your caption contest category is missing?
The Good Greatsby
March 19, 2012
Was it missing? It should be there now. Don’t believe rumors that it disappeared because I couldn’t update it while my back was in traction.
k8edid
March 19, 2012
Excuses, excuses…
k8edid
March 20, 2012
Oh, that sounded so heartless. Now you know why I am call Nurse Ratchett. How is your back by the way?
shanson3871
March 19, 2012
stareintospaceitis.. hahaha.. I too suffer from this! I’m constantly seeing the “clue’s” after they’ve been brought into the light. It’s rather annoying..LOL..
mimijk
March 19, 2012
You have made my day – and offered my husband some redemption! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
March 19, 2012
You should be satisfied as long as he keeps within the parameters of this list.
Rob Rubin
March 19, 2012
Perhaps you can detect why everyone who said they would resubscribe to my blog when it moved didn’t. On second thought, i probably know the answer to that.
The Good Greatsby
March 19, 2012
If it makes you feel any better, I resubscribed…as of two seconds ago.
Rob Rubin
March 19, 2012
Thank you sir. You are a good man. There might be a free t-shirt in it for ya.
gojulesgo
March 19, 2012
Just curious: If your wife and Andrew had swapped outfits, would you have noticed?
The Good Greatsby
March 19, 2012
Still probably not. I’m not the jealous type so I’d don’t have that suspicious sensor.
joehoover
March 19, 2012
The post photo is from a caption contest from a couple of weeks back. Is this a clue to something?
The Good Greatsby
March 19, 2012
It’s a clue to how long I looked for a picture for this post.
joehoover
March 19, 2012
😀 Gives me something to go on…
Fred Mim
March 19, 2012
If you called your wife a “dame,” I’m sure you would have noticed the fist coming at your face. At least I did.
Fraha
March 19, 2012
Not sure how long you and Mrs. Greatsby have been married, but me and my hubby are going on 13 years. I think it just comes with the territory of being together for so long that you just don’t notice as much as we blur by eachother every day. It is like looking for clues and we ask one another why do you keep starring at me, till we finally ask why do you look different. LOL great post.
Audrey
March 20, 2012
Nice going, Sherlock! 😉
I’m with you on the whole classic detective thing. I think its the khaki-colored trench coats and fedoras that really attract me…
mistyslaws
March 20, 2012
Wait. You noticed the passports and suitcases were missing? Not to mention the kids and wife? I think you are underestimating your detective skills, sir. Get thee to a haberdashery for that new chapeau, stat!
Kathryn McCullough
March 20, 2012
I have a chronic, nearly terminal case of Stareintospaceitis. I notice next to nothing–never the nothing itself.
Laura
March 20, 2012
I initially thought you meant Shannon and Andrew had exchanged clothes. If you and I ever opened a detective agency together, we’d be naturals at interrogating people with the classic “distracted cop, poor reading comprehension cop” routine.
She's a Maineiac
March 20, 2012
I see that being in traction didn’t prevent you from being your normal hysterical self. well done! (the Chiclet one and the shaved head/wig killed me)
skippingstones
March 20, 2012
I love this one, Paul! I love your list! And it’s not only a male thing, because I am right there with you.
stephanie fitzpatrick
March 20, 2012
I will be forwarding on your hilar post to my husband so he knows he’s not alone in this world.
magsx2
March 20, 2012
Hi,
Actually I can relate to not noticing different things. There have been a few times Hubby has said, “do you see the difference” and I usually don’t. So you see it not only happens to the guys. 😀
thesinglecell
March 20, 2012
I know I betray my half of the species when I say this, but… I never expect a man to notice specifics. A haircut? Nah. New clothes? Nah. Nail polish? Hell no. Men notice generalities. They get the strange feeling that they like the way a woman looks today as opposed to others, but they’re not sure why. They wind up guessing the reason, which is why they think we’ve gotten our hair done when in actual fact we’ve had a facelift. Stuff like that. Or, conversely, they notice we’ve put on some weight and they might know where, but they can’t really say when it happened. It’s sort of not fair to expect them to pin it down.
The Good Greatsby
March 20, 2012
You’re absolutely right. I know what I like when I see it although I’m not always sure what the individual pixels were that brought the whole picture together.
yellowcat
March 20, 2012
I only wear an eye patch when I’ve had too much to drink. It makes closing one eye so much easier.
Corey Fitzpatrick (@CFitzpatrick616)
March 20, 2012
“Did you see the killer? He was in a wheelchair with a cast on both arms.”
“Maybe. Did he have teeth made of chiclets?”
“No.”
“Nope. Never heard of him.”
pegoleg
March 20, 2012
I’ll probably get drummed out of the corps for revealing secrets, but one of the first things they teach us in Dame 101 is how to keep a guy on his toes. Our best weapon? Just a few little words: “Honey, do you notice anything different about me?”
He can’t win. So we can’t lose.
monicastangledweb
March 20, 2012
I’d hire you to solve cases for me any day! I know you have a smoking jacket, but do you also have a cape and pipe, by any chance? You’re going to need those for solving crimes for me!
PCC Advantage
March 20, 2012
I also enjoy a good mystery. So much so, in fact, that the people in my office call me Nancy Drew. As soon as I solve an important mystery, (like what happened to the stamps, what they guy’s name is who has been working here for 3 months, or who is mysteriously watering our plants), I walk around with a smug look on my face.
And then I go and set a trap for people so that I’ll have another mystery to solve. I’m pretty sure Nancy did that too…otherwise she wouldn’t have been in business for the past 82 years.
Binky
March 21, 2012
It’s hard to be aware of all the minor changes that go on around us when we have more important things to do, like check our email or read someone’s blog.
She's a Maineiac
March 21, 2012
Hello again. Yeah, uh, question: are you posting every other day now? Or are you posting whenever you feel like it? Because I am starting to have withdrawals. I thought maybe WP wasn’t sending me notifications of new posts but no, you are just not posting. Are you still in traction? Are you trapped under some heavy furniture? Should I mail you some peanut butter cups to get you through? (make sure you ration them) I certainly hope you are feeling better because, like I said, I need to laugh today. No pressure.
spilledinkguy
March 22, 2012
Chiclet grillz.
Defining style.
Dana
March 24, 2012
I’m impressed you would notice a change in eye colour, even if only eventually. That makes you much more of a Private Eye (ha!) than I could ever be. Who cares about eye colour anyway? Casts on both arms, however…
Glynis Sylvia
March 27, 2012
Is it just me?
Is it just me who saves the open tab (with your blog post) for hours on their computer, holding out as long as possible, like a precious gift that you can’t wait to open, but you also love the anticipation?
Is it just me who has that spotty, untrustworthy internet connect whereby it could refuse to open anything else for hours, maybe 2 days, but will allow me to read your open, waiting post, so I have trained myself to open the tab so I still have the reading capability when everything else freezes?
Is it just me who runs to her email box sometimes, hoping for a new blog post of yours – because real life has just exploded into horrible and I really need cheering up – not just by you, but by your responders, too?
Is it just me who thinks you’re way better than even the now-gone Erma Bombeck, and puts you on the same exclusive pedestal for comedy as the incomparable storyteller Bill Cosby?
Is it just me who thinks that compared to you, Sliced Bread is nothing more than even-sized hunks of ground wheat? Frankly, I’m not sure what all the hoopla is about with the sliced bread thing. I mean, if there was evenly sliced ice cream, maybe.
(A long-winded THANKS for all that your posts bring to my life !)