My Pain in the Neck and Back

Posted on March 21, 2012

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I continue to recover from a back/neck injury and have had to cut down my posts as I’ve suffered some nerve problems in my hands and the doctor told me typing sixteen hours a day wasn’t helping. My recent back injury has forced me to adapt a recurring joke: In the past whenever people would complain about their bad backs, I would always try and relate by claiming I also suffered from a weak spine but that my problems were more figurative. Now I can claim a weak spine both figuratively and literally. Prepare to be one-upped, my fellow back pain sufferers of the world.

After almost three weeks of chiropractor visits, spinal adjustments, traction, massage, physical therapy, acupuncture, and Chinese fire cupping, I’m happy to announce that my back is in the exact same condition as it was three weeks ago.

And after undergoing so many painful procedures without experiencing any results, it’s hard not to wonder whether the pain to fix the pain is really worth it, especially when the pain to fix the pain costs so much money. The original pain I got for free.

I hope I get better soon because it makes me so melancholy to think my injured back will prevent me from being a strong male influence on my sons.

Who’s going to teach them how to punch a horse?

Who’s going to help them build a tunnel into the neighbor’s basement?

Who’s going to show them how to roll a body up in a carpet?

Who’s going to show them how to pretend to bend over to drop a coin in a busker’s guitar case and pull away a fiver instead? That kind of bending will be impossible.

Many friends have experienced back trouble and are happy to offer suggestions, and once they hear I’ve tried Chinese fire cupping, it’s hard to insist there are some things I’m just not willing to try. I’m now considering the following treatments:

Seance: I’m hoping to contact the spirit of my healthy back and beg it to return to my body.

Voodoo: Our local voodoo vendor had to send away for a voodoo doll wearing a smoking jacket.

Alcoholism: This treatment will depend a lot on my wife’s support since my immobility will require her constant assistance in freshening my drink. Optimist Prime is a few years away from being strong enough to get the top ย off a cocktail shaker.

Blaming others: I’ve heard this works great for emotional pain so I’m will to give it a try on physical pain as well.

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