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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
If You Have Time to Secede from the Union, You Must Have Time to Help Out Around the House
When I look back on being a kid, if there’s one thing I remember, it’s being much younger. My kids have also helped me remember that an important part of growing up is learning how to avoid work. Every kid learns to pick up on the small signals that Mom and Dad are about to […]
Posted in: Columns
Don’t Tell Me How it Ends
November 7, 2012
So I’ve been pretty busy the last week and haven’t had time to follow the American election. I recorded CNN’s election night coverage but I won’t have time to watch it until next week, so nobody tell me who won. Also, don’t tell me who won the Republican primary; I want to be surprised. Also, […]
Posted in: Columns
Most Honorable Salem Town Magistrates
October 29, 2012
(Click here to listen to Paul perform the audio version) October 31, 1692 Most Honorable Salem Town Magistrates, I desireth not to grumble and air thy soiled breeches in public, and it paineth me to bring considerations to the faults of the Salem Town magistrates, but the inefficiency of the public witch-burnings driveth me up […]
Posted in: audio
The Absolute Worst Things You Could Get on Halloween
October 26, 2012
Every kid who’s ever been trick-or-treating has made a mental list of the very worst things you can get on Halloween. Even if you’re an adult and haven’t been trick-or-treating in thirty years you still remember the neighbors who gave toothbrushes at Halloween. And that’s the only thing you remember about those neighbors because nobody […]
Posted in: Columns
Jealousy Thy Name is Parent
October 23, 2012
If there’s one thing I like about being a parent, that wouldn’t be much of a recommendation for parenthood, would it? But if there’s one thing I like, it’s taking joy in the achievements of my children as an emotional substitute for my own lack of accomplishments. I’m not the first parent to make this […]
Posted in: Family
The Presidential Debate on Mute
October 17, 2012
I didn’t watch last night’s presidential debate, or the previous presidential debate, but I did make the minimal effort to stay informed by reviewing pictures from the debates. The pictures allow me to imagine my own version of how I wish the debates had gone, and you’d be surprised how much more positive you feel […]
Posted in: Columns
What’s that Ringing in Your Pants? Phantom Cellphone Vibrations Explained!
October 15, 2012
My wife didn’t believe me when I told her I was experiencing phantom cellphone vibrations. Many times I’ve felt my phone vibrate, pulled it from my pocket, and realized it wasn’t even ringing. And sometimes my cell phone wasn’t even in my pocket. And some of those times I didn’t even own a cellphone. But […]
Posted in: Columns
Awareness Awareness Month is Just Around the Corner–Were You Aware?
October 12, 2012
If you follow America’s National Football League, you’ve probably noticed the players wearing hot pink accessories as the NFL participates in October’s campaign for breast cancer. Just to be clear, this is a campaign ‘against’ breast cancer, not ‘for’ breast cancer. And more specifically, it’s a campaign to raise ‘awareness’ of breast cancer for any […]
Posted in: Columns
Situations When It’s Better to Give than Receive
October 10, 2012
At Christmas time, Mom was always fond of reminding us “It’s better to give than to receive,” but we always disagreed. With a bit more life experience I’ve realized Mom was onto something and there are in fact multiples instances when it’s far better to give than to receive. It’s better to give _____ than […]
Posted in: Columns
In with the In Crowd–Or Else!
October 8, 2012
Our two sons recently began a new school year at a new school and while taking a walk yesterday my 11-year-old Optimist Prime told me how much he was enjoying the new group of friends he’d made. OP: I really like my new friends. They’re really interesting and creative and do stuff with their lives. […]
Posted in: Family
Prelude to Five People Asking for Hand Sanitizer
October 5, 2012
Are you new? Something about you seems different than the people who normally work here. I can honestly say, of all the presidential candidates I’ve ever met, you’re the first. Please tell me I’m not the only one who can see this guy. Is it just me or did a rich, white guy just appear? […]
Posted in: Headlines
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