Every kid who’s ever been trick-or-treating has made a mental list of the very worst things you can get on Halloween. Even if you’re an adult and haven’t been trick-or-treating in thirty years you still remember the neighbors who gave toothbrushes at Halloween. And that’s the only thing you remember about those neighbors because nobody invited them to anything, ever.
When I hear kids debate the very worst thing you can get on Halloween, the list is usually topped by apples, raisins, toothbrushes and pennies. That’s when I like to interrupt in a grave voice and say, “Actually, kids, I can think of plenty of things much worse to get on Halloween.”
A religious pamphlet explaining why celebrating Halloween is a sin
Bad directions leading to the real haunted house instead of the fake haunted house
A reminder from the police that restraining orders also apply to trick-or-treating
Tuberculosis
Food poisoning
A dry cleaning bill related to the food poisoning
A plumber’s bill related to the food poisoning
A coupon for a teeth cleaning
A Valentine’s Day card from Mom, meaning it’s time to put her in a home
A paternity test subpoena
More compliments on how attractive you look in your bald, toothless hobo costume than you ever get in real life
Relationship advice on why you should break-up with your girlfriend while she quietly weeps, hidden in the second half of your horse costume
…..
Don’t forget to vote for one of the five outstanding finalists in the Halloween-themed caption contest.
The Good Greatsby 
Snoring Dog Studio
October 26, 2012
The last one! Oh my gosh. That poor girl. She ought to bite him in the a$$. Once, a long time ago, I ran out of candy and handed out toast. Unbuttered of course.
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
Unbuttered might be pushing it. No jam?
Snoring Dog Studio
October 27, 2012
No jam. Would’ve stuck to the sides of their bags. I’m not cruel!
The Good Greatsby
October 28, 2012
You actually put the toast in their bags? That’s hilarious.
Snoring Dog Studio
October 28, 2012
Yes. Very quickly so that they wouldn’t notice.
She's a Maineiac
October 26, 2012
I swear my kids actually did get a religious pamphlet one year!
Last year, a sweet little old lady handed my daughter a pack of crayons. “Crayons? CRAYONS?!” she yelled as I pushed her down the steps. I don’t blame her. What’s next? a pop quiz on math? People these days. (shaking head)
clemarchives
October 26, 2012
Yes, but the crayons will be so worth it when next year she gives kids sketch paper and the year after she gives them ballpoint pens! It’s a succession of gifts!!!
She's a Maineiac
October 26, 2012
Oh! Yeah! so there was a method to her ruining Halloween for my kids.
(I just realized my first comment almost reads like I pushed the old lady down the steps)
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
I did think you meant you pushed the old lady down the steps. I assumed you were joking. Probably.
clemarchives
October 27, 2012
That’d be a pretty bad thing to get on Halloween, though.
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
Very true. That old lady had no idea she’d get something for Halloween, too.
She's a Maineiac
October 27, 2012
Probably? oooooh…nice, G. nice.
What I meant was….what I was trying to say…. was I gently nudged my daughter down the steps away from the old lady in my attempt to not hurt her feelings with my daughter’s crayon tantrum. Yeah, that’s it.
And then I pushed her down the steps as well,but in a really gentle way. It’s trick or treat, man! She made her choice.
The Good Greatsby
October 28, 2012
When you hand out crayons you’ve got to expect some backlash.
bearmancartoons
October 26, 2012
Smarties
Carl D'Agostino
October 26, 2012
In 1960 republican households gave out cardboard “Vote for Nixon” pumpkins and in ’64 the dems gave out “Goldwater for Halloween ” buttons.
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
And I guess political parties learned a lesson because neither of those candidates won.
susielindau
October 26, 2012
The one about being complimented on how you look in your costume is probably true for everyone.
Laura
October 27, 2012
That actually happened to a friend of mine once. She wanted to wear a costume to work, but she worked at a place where no one ever did that, so she compromised by wearing normal clothes and coating her hair with a thick layer of some kind of cheap brassy spray-on temporary blonde hair dye. People complimented her on it all day.
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
My wife got so many compliments the time she wore a purple wig with a costume, but she refuses to dye it purple permanently.
susielindau
October 27, 2012
After receiving several compliments on the wig I wore last Halloween I cut my hair!
Jorie
October 26, 2012
HAHA. Growing up, there was a mean woman around the corner who gave out pocket dictionaries. As an adult, I’m like, damn, those are 99 cents each. What a splurge.
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
And I bet the real treat was the outstanding vocabulary you developed.
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
October 26, 2012
G2, those are indeed frightening Halloween giftings – but I still don’t think they top the horror of a fistful of stale-orange-marshmallow-circus-peanuts. I may run screaming into the night just by typing that phrase…
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
People really hate those circus peanuts. I hated those Mary Janes in the black and orange wrappers.
avistyle89
October 26, 2012
Haha! This is great! I had one of those dads that wouldn’t let me eat any candy until he checked for air so no one could have given me poison. Little did he know I could still get tuberculosis…! Lol
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
I have no idea how your dad could screen your candy for tuberculosis.
artjen1971
October 26, 2012
A pack of razor blades without the apple…the apple is bad enough.
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
And you thought you were disappointed when you thought it was just an apple, but the razor blade took it to the next level.
Stephanie
October 26, 2012
You know there *are* little Christian Halloween booklets about kids who sin and go to hell, right? There were definitely people in my neighbourhood who gave them out. I was just trying to find them on the internet and couldn’t, but they are out there.
gerknoop
October 29, 2012
Stephanie, you are talking about “chick tracts” and here is the one you refer to! It’s awful….we used to make fun of chick tracts at our church youth group! hahahahah
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0032/0032_01.asp
Stephanie
October 29, 2012
Yes! Those are exactly what I’m talking about. They’re shocking!
thelifeofjamie
October 26, 2012
at first when I saw the word pennies, I thought it said penises and thought- yes that would be a terrible thing to get- in more ways than one!
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
So true. I didn’t even think of including penises because I figured that was a given.
philosophermouseofthehedge
October 26, 2012
Real haunted house directions!
There were a couple of spooky houses near us – and the big thing was daring each other to go up and touch the door on Halloween. (and older siblings were big on hiding in the bushes waiting for you to do that…even though your mom said to cut that out…..)
Nice post of horrors!
laurastanfill
October 27, 2012
We get a lot of middle and high school trick-or-treaters, and for the past few years my husband has bought some movie-size boxes of candy (or a whole box of donuts) as well as some potatoes and onions. Then when a group of older kids comes, he plays games–pick a number, or answer this trivia question, or whatever–and gives out the “prizes” accordingly.
loopingstateofmind
October 27, 2012
Did the last one happen to you? But rather it was you who was weeping at the back of the horse costume
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
The worst part was that it was my parents telling her she could do a lot better.
aparnauteur
October 27, 2012
Hilarious! I think a scientific article titled “There’s no Santa Claus!” would just seal the deal!
amiabnormal
October 27, 2012
I remember the first time I went trick or treating and my Mom took me to the first house .
I was armed with various delightful ‘tricks’ only to find that our first ‘victim’ was my cousins grandmother. Ready to ambush the other old women in the pensioners housing, we were instead directed to my grandma’s house.
After a succession of family members, I learnt my lesson, if there is one night to go to a friends house, it’s halloween.
pegoleg
October 27, 2012
Teeth cleaning costs $70 – hell, I’ll take that coupon!
Thomas Stazyk
October 27, 2012
Kryptonite disguised as peanut butter toffee.
becca3416
October 27, 2012
Getting old free trial AOL disks would be pretty bad.
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
That would be hilarious. I wish I had some of those to give out.
Paula J
October 27, 2012
My dad once gave a trick or treater some change from his pocket and a Pepsi. I guess we had neglected to buy candy that year. And what’s worse, that was my Pepsi. I already had dibs on it.
The Good Greatsby
October 27, 2012
That does make it worse. I hope you’ve been able to get a Pepsi since then.
Audrey
October 27, 2012
And I thought moldy popcorn balls were bad enough!
k8edid
October 27, 2012
Brussel sprouts.
fashionablyanalyzinglife
October 27, 2012
Aids. Candy in Ziplocs. Homemade food items. Jesus pamphlets .. WTH kind of neighborhood do I live in? We’re screwed. Yup. All screwed.
Elyse
October 27, 2012
Necco wavers. Cardboard wrapped in waxed paper that broke apart and coated all the good candy in chalk. Yum.
The Good Greatsby
October 28, 2012
Curse you Neccos! Who are these people who buy Neccos? Why are they still in business?
Hansi
October 27, 2012
More good reasons to stay inside on Halloween. One thing I know I won’t get on Halloween: an STD.
Lorna's Voice
October 28, 2012
A diabetes test kit? A checklist for diabetes symptoms?
The Good Greatsby
October 28, 2012
The kids should probably wait until November 1 to take the test. No point in ruining Halloween.
Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants
October 28, 2012
Dubble Bubble Gum!! Absolutely the worst thing to get. It costed 2 cents a piece at the store, but the flavor was gone before the first trickle of saliva got to your stomach. It was also an arduous bubble blowing experience! Trumps any big wet unsolicited kiss from an old lady!
gerknoop
October 29, 2012
I kinda hated the dry crumbly falling apart popcorn balls, Necco’s and those orange looking horrible tasting peanut appearing thingys….can’t remember what it was called.
zannyro
October 29, 2012
Oh the poor weeping girlfriend………of course if I had been the girlfriend, el boyfriend would forever carry the memory of that wonderful evening….in the form of bite mark scars on HIS rear!!
aFrankAngle
October 29, 2012
Outstanding list!
renée a. schuls-jacobson
October 29, 2012
I have to add Frankenstorm is going to suck. A costume. With a coat? That always blows. I wonder if I ave enough chocolate to make it through a power outage?
puraperola
October 31, 2012
Reblogged this on ito na talaga. and commented:
Not much of a Halloween fan, but I find this funny 🙂
HoaiPhai
October 31, 2012
How about a note from your teacher saying that because of martial law, everyone had to be finished trick-or-treating and at home before dark? I got that once!
thoughtsappear
November 2, 2012
I’m pretty sure the girl is never supposed to be in the back half of the horse costume.
Dana
November 14, 2012
Frostbite on Halloween was nearly a given when I was growing up. For some reason, Oct 31st was always the coldest day in our city, and all our costumes had to be designed to fit over ski suits and balaclavas.