When I look back on being a kid, if there’s one thing I remember, it’s being much younger.
My kids have also helped me remember that an important part of growing up is learning how to avoid work. Every kid learns to pick up on the small signals that Mom and Dad are about to ask for help. If you hear Mom washing dishes in the kitchen, you would be wise not to enter the room because there’s a good chance she’s going to ask you to put the dishes in the dishwasher. If you hear Dad calling from the garage that he’s pinned under the car, you know whoever gets there first will have to go for help.
One thing I learned was that if my parents were working and I walked into the room and started watching TV, this would be a signal to them that if I had free time to relax and watch TV while they were working, I must have time to do a bunch of work.
I couldn’t help but think of this lesson as I read Americans in 15 different states have filed petitions to secede from the United States after last week’s presidential election. Filing the petition is the first step in a symbolic and very likely fruitless process of gathering tens of thousands of signatures and then submitting the petition to the president to have him consider allowing withdrawal.
I hope those Americans have their lives in pretty good order, because if you have time to present such a pointless, self-indulgent, time-consuming sacrifice on the altar of sore-loserdom, you’re opening the door to all sorts of questions from your wife about why you don’t help out more around the house.
If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to finish the annex so Mom can come live with us.
If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to investigate the howling sounds coming from the attic.
If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to finally skin and clean the deer you shot that’s been hanging in the garage since last fall.
If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to pick up the kids from soccer practice. Better get a move on because soccer practice was yesterday.
If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to finally learn that ‘secede’ is spelled differently than ‘succeed’ and the president is never going to take seriously your petition to ‘succeed from the Union’.
If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to attend the kids’ parent teacher conferences. While you’re at it, you must also have time to learn the name and address of their school and which grades they’re in.
If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to take a ballroom dance class. But this time with me.
If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to put out the basement fire you’ve been putting off for weeks.
If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to finally finish reading the Constitution. Might be a good idea to double check whether all those things you keep calling unconstitutional are actually in the Constitution.
…..
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The Good Greatsby 
vbholmes
November 12, 2012
I’m not seceding without a guaranteed “Quality of Life Support Staff” who’ll take care of all those little inconveniences.
The Good Greatsby
November 12, 2012
It’s already sounding like seceding is going to be much more complicated than I’d expected.
maryisidra
November 12, 2012
As the link stated “good luck with that”. Some folks really need to get a life,any life geez louise..
The Good Greatsby
November 12, 2012
I know it seems exciting to tell people at the high school reunion that you’ve been busy seceding from the Union, but there are much easier ways to be impressive.
chlost
November 12, 2012
And the name of the seceded “union” would be……The Land of You Can’t Make Me?
The Good Greatsby
November 12, 2012
I could see that name being popular.
chlost
November 13, 2012
After I thought about this some more, I think the more popular name would be “You’re Not the Boss of US”
susielindau
November 12, 2012
You will have 15 names on your dance card Paul! Better get dancing!
I had not heard about this and it cracked me up that someone from North Dakota asked that NY secede! Someone from Colorado filed. It wasn’t me, but I’d love to learn how to ballroom dance!
The Good Greatsby
November 12, 2012
I really did take a salsa class without my wife. She tried to get me to sign up with her and another couple, but I predicted everyone would back out after one lesson. When they all dropped out, I kept going because we’d gotten a big discount by purchasing ten lessons at once.
susielindau
November 12, 2012
Salsa class? They dropped the salsa class? I would think it would be a blast! Oh well. I bet you had a great time. 🙂 Hey, you should write about it! You could give us some pointers!
dianasschwenk
November 12, 2012
clever and delightful. Funny but with a valid point.
Feel free to use this as one of the reviews in your book and when people say who the hell is Diana Schwenk? Just tsk tsk them in an elitist way with a shocked/condescending expression that says, ” you poor ignorant bastard…”
nancyfrancis
November 12, 2012
Way to go ‘Merica – if you succeed in seceding keep in mind, Canada doesn’t want you.
Mostly because, as they say, idle hands are the devil’s playground.
Snoring Dog Studio
November 12, 2012
Yeah, if I were Canadian, I’d be really worried. You all might end up with some pretty nutty visitors.
The Good Greatsby
November 12, 2012
I’m not sure I understand the expression; are you suggesting Canada is the ‘devil’s playground’?
nancyfrancis
November 12, 2012
It was more a jibe at Republicans.
However, from a Republican standpoint – considering all the Racial, Gender and Sexual Orientation Equality in my country we must be the Devil’s Playground.
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
November 12, 2012
What if you’re only planning to supersede the union with a quickie coup d’etat?
The Good Greatsby
November 12, 2012
When friends try and convince me to join a coup d’etat they always make it sound like they’ll be quick and finished in time for dinner, but I’m always disappointed,
Snoring Dog Studio
November 12, 2012
One thing I remember about childhood? Being shorter.
Wow. I hadn’t heard the news about this colossal waste of time to make a statement. How embarrassing to live in any of those states. If you’ve got time to secede from the Union, you sure as hell have time to take care of the less fortunate. Buffoons – all of them. Really. You sure we can’t just kick them out of the country? I hear Russia is hiring. Not.
The Good Greatsby
November 12, 2012
I don’t remember being any shorter, but that’s probably because we lived in a miniature house.
Snoring Dog Studio
November 12, 2012
🙂
spilledinkguy
November 12, 2012
AWWWWWwwwwww, man!
But I already seceded the LAST TIME!!!
becomingcliche
November 13, 2012
Crap. I completely forgot about seceding. I wonder if I can do it after the next Board of Ed elections. I might be able to squeeze in a secession from my neighborhood, but that’s all for now. Mostly because I don’t want to dress the deer in the garage. I wish I had really thought that hunting trip through.
The Good Greatsby
November 13, 2012
You should give it a try. I’m sure you’d get some press coverage for trying to secede over a board of education election.
philosophermouseofthehedge
November 13, 2012
How funny! 15 states?
Wonder how many it would have been if the election had gone the other way?
Margie
November 13, 2012
Apparently there are 18 states now. They want to form their own governments, but I see an upside to them becoming part of Canada. If all those states would joined us, we’d have a clearer path for our pipelines to the gulf. We’d also have some nice warm places to winter in without having to leave our countries borders.
Scintillatebrightly
November 13, 2012
Geez have the States lost their collective minds? Who is behind all this sort of crap anyway?
sporadicblogger
November 13, 2012
You are top notch! You make me laugh every time. 🙂
Elyse
November 13, 2012
Let them go.
Kim
November 13, 2012
There’s a sock that’s been behind our kitchen trash can for at least 2 weeks… I guess I should probably delegate one of the kids to picking it up, before I try to sign any petitions!
The Good Greatsby
November 13, 2012
I agree. You probably have no business sorting a country until you’ve got your own socks sorted.
Cassy
November 13, 2012
If you have time to secede from the Union, you probably have enough time to fill out that job application from three years ago…
Yay for crazy people.
becca3416
November 13, 2012
I just heard about this this morning. I don’t know much about politics, but I know this idea of seceding sounds ridiculous and whiny!
Jackie Cangro
November 13, 2012
“Every kid learns to pick up on the small signals that Mom and Dad are about to ask for help.”
This kind of radar also applies to my boss.
The Good Greatsby
November 13, 2012
True enough. That’s an important survival skill.
Hippie Cahier
November 13, 2012
I should know this: With whom does one file such a petition? Is there a Department of Secessions? Wouldn’t it be more peaceful to just make a swap, say North Dakota for Puerto Rico? Also, I wonder if these are the same people who got enough signatures to have both Santa Claus and David Crosby as official write-in presidential candidates, and if so, if either of these gentlemen will be the first president of, say, Louisiana.
I, for one, would really like to see Kris Kringle’s cabinet. Would he go with all reindeer, or a reindeer / elf bipartisan approach? Or something way more avant garde, such as the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.
These are the sorts of questions that clued my parents in to the fact that I had too much time on my hands.
The Good Greatsby
November 13, 2012
And I bet they felt a responsibility to take some of that time off your hands.
T E Stazyk
November 13, 2012
“If you have time to secede from the Union, you must have time to finally finish reading the Constitution. Might be a good idea to double check whether all those things you keep calling unconstitutional are actually in the Constitution.”
Amen, bro!
Life With The Top Down
November 13, 2012
I say Tootles and don’t let the door hit you in the buttocks on the way out.
facelikeafryingpan
November 13, 2012
I’m really worried about the individual that has a fire in his basement, a rotting deer carcass, and howling noses in the attic. I think that children should, perhaps, be picked up from soccer practice by children’s protective services. The home life is a little strange.
The Good Greatsby
November 13, 2012
You make a valid point. Let’s send protective services to the homes of any person who tries to secede.
georgettesullins
November 13, 2012
Your last two sentences are spot on!
mistyslaws
November 13, 2012
See, what you don’t understand is that seceding only takes a few seconds, leaving plenty of time for TV watching. And that takes up all of my remaining time. And could you keep it down….I’m trying to watch my shows. Shhhhh.
Binky
November 13, 2012
I don’t have time for all this work, so I’ll just move to Canada. Or maybe China.
The Good Greatsby
November 13, 2012
Way ahead of you.
HoaiPhai
November 13, 2012
One problem with coming up here to Canada… shovelling snow just to get out of your driveway. On the other hand if you go to China you’ll spend a good part of the day thrashing rice, or whatever they do with it. It’s your call but just remember, us Canucks have normal sit-down toilets, unlike some places in Asia where they have long-drop porcelain latrines.
fissionerror
November 13, 2012
Best blog title EVER.
HoaiPhai
November 13, 2012
Let ’em secede then invade them and annex them as unincorporated territories. They could then fully participate in Puerto Rico Day parades and petition the parade administrators to make all the floats and music fully bilingual. As unincorporated territories, are they allowed to vote in federal elections? If not, problem solved in 2016! Nip this one in the bud!
The Good Greatsby
November 13, 2012
Sounds like a plan that will manage to make everyone happy. Except all the secessionists. You have my vote in 2016.
HoaiPhai
November 13, 2012
I wasn’t born in the U.S. so I guess I’d have to run under Obama’s party’s banner. My first official act would be to carve corners into the Oval Office… that will provide so much more room to hang my Jessica Alba and Norah Jones posters.
DiatribesAndOvations.com
November 14, 2012
I’m starting to think “Let ’em go.”
Mark Petruska
November 14, 2012
The only thing I ever seceded from was my ex-wife. Best decision ever: our union was a real bust.
yellowcat
November 14, 2012
I never know what to say to people who want to “succeed” from the Union. Do I tell them it’s unconstitutional or do I point out that they are idiots?
Another great post!
Valentine Logar
November 15, 2012
Personally, all these nutters simply need to pack up and go to Somalia. It is the perfect place for them, I have checked. Small Government, minimal regulations, business friendly, Free Enterprise and Capitalism. They have a police force and elections that can be bought.