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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
I Have Good News and Bad News
If someone says they have good news and bad news and asks which I want to hear first, I always reply, “Give me the good news first,” because there’s always a chance I might die before they get to the bad news. Sometimes you choose hearing the good news first, but the good news also […]
Posted in: Columns, Random Humor
Checkmate, Kindle!
May 9, 2011
My wife and I read a lot. She’s a librarian (of the hot librarian variety). I collect books like an addict, although no books about addiction, and we’re proud of our personal library. We belong to book clubs, attend literary festivals, and can think of no better household decoration than giant stacks of books on […]
Posted in: Columns
Look on the Bright Side, Mom
May 8, 2011
Dearest Mother, On this Mother’s Day, I’d like to make the following confessions while urging you to try and look on the bright side. Confession: Remember how the chandelier over the kitchen table had two broken lights for twenty years? I broke that the day after we moved in by sword fighting with ski poles […]
Posted in: Kids
Mother’s Day Cards from Second-string Children
May 7, 2011
Not all moms are created equal. Most moms try their best, but when you happen to be “accidentally” reading your neighbor’s mail and come across the following Mother’s Day cards, you have good reason to wonder about her mothering abilities.
Posted in: Kids
You’re Welcome, Mom
May 6, 2011
Parents are supposed to love all their children equally, but my siblings and I knew our parents had favorites. They always said they loved us the same, and they tried not to let their favoritism show, but still, we all knew…because we listened at the door on Mother’s Day as they criticized the cards we […]
If You Want to be Impressed, Always Call Before Dropping in on the Johnsons
May 5, 2011
“Oh, you’re in the neighborhood and wanted to drop in. That’s fine. We’ll see you in ten minutes.” “But I’m just around the corner. I can be there in three.” “But still, we’ll see you in ten minutes.” I shout out to my wife and two sons, “Ten minutes, team! We’ve got ten minutes to […]
Princess Beatrice’s Fascinator
May 4, 2011
For those of you who said you had zero interest in the Royal Wedding, this is what you missed: Those who missed the wedding coverage in favor of your local bar’s giant hat drinking game will be sorely disappointed by the irony. Millions spent on the wedding of the decade, the whole world watching, and […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Tough Love Friendship to Distract Your Recently Dumped Girl Friend
May 3, 2011
Question for women: What do you do when your girlfriend just got dumped and she’s feeling terrible? How can you cheer her up and help her forget the breakup? You could suggest the cliche “let’s eat a gallon of ice cream and a tube of Tollhouse cookie dough”, but is gaining three pounds going to […]
Posted in: Advice
Where were you when Osama Bin Laden died of boredom while watching Vin Diesel’s Fast Five at a celebration party for William and Kate’s royal wedding?
May 2, 2011
In recent days we’ve experienced three historical events most people will remember their whole lives: 1. The killing of Osama Bin Laden 2. The royal wedding of William and Kate 3. The debut of the fifth Fast and The Furious film as the top movie over the weekend with $83.6 million–maybe not historically significant today, […]
Posted in: Advice
We have your ransom note! If you ever want to see your ransom note again, do exactly as we say!
May 1, 2011
The ransom note was a masterpiece requiring ten hours of concentration as I meticulously cut letters from old magazines–stolen from the servants quarters’ trash and covered with the servants’ fingerprints–and glued the letters on a sheet of official police stationery I had stolen to make the targets less likely to go to the police. The […]
Posted in: Short-Sleeve Stories
The Search Engine Oracle Has Spoken
April 30, 2011
Bloggers receive a list of search terms that lead viewers to their sites. I assume most people who find my site through a search engine did not find what they were looking for because I have a lot of posts offering satirical advice. If fifty search engine viewers come to the site each day, I […]
Posted in: Columns
How to Make Rich Celebrity Friends at William and Kate’s Wedding
April 29, 2011
Somehow you’ve snagged an invite to rub shoulders with the rich and the famous at the wedding of the decade. Your friends are impressed, but you don’t care because those were your old, poor, not-David-Beckham friends, because the royal wedding invite is the beginning of your ascension into the upper crust of people who are […]
Posted in: Advice
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