
Question for women: What do you do when your girlfriend just got dumped and she’s feeling terrible? How can you cheer her up and help her forget the breakup? You could suggest the cliche “let’s eat a gallon of ice cream and a tube of Tollhouse cookie dough”, but is gaining three pounds going to help her find another boyfriend?
Don’t try and reassure her with empty calories or empty words.
You could say she’ll meet somebody better, but you know that’s unlikely.
You could tell her he was the problem, but you know your friend and realize she’s the cause of every problem, even things that haven’t happened yet.
You could say she’s not getting any younger, but…wait…maybe you should say this.
Offending her is the biggest favor you can do your friend, thus allowing her to convert her feelings of rejection into feelings of rage towards you. By the time she’s done screaming about your insensitivity, she will have completely forgotten she’s been dumped. She’ll thank you later.
After she tells you the cruel way her boyfriend dumped her, she’ll give you a hug, break down in tears, and you should say:
1. Did he mention it was because he was in love with someone else? I’m just wondering. No reason. But did my name come up? Did he say anything about me?
2. What a jerk! I bet he judges books by their covers, too!
3. I don’t know if this is too soon, but there’s a cute girl in accounting who would be perfect for him.
4. If he doesn’t appreciate your unique personality, you’re better off finding someone else who does appreciate being smothered.
5. Does this mean you two won’t be going to Cancun on our couple’s retreat? Because I already bought his ticket. I hope you can reimburse me. Unless he meets somebody else before then and he and his new girlfriend want to join us.
6. Honey, you could do a lot better than that guy! Sure he was good looking, but who wants to marry a telemarketer? What’s that you say? He was a lawyer? Oh, good looking and a lawyer. And he was always so funny. And really good with kids. Remember when he taught your nephew how to throw a football? He was so patient. I bet he would have been a great dad. (sigh) But anyway, (cough, cough) you could have done a lot better (cough, cough).
7. Forget that guy. You don’t need a man to be happy. And why would you want to be tied down at 27? What’s that? You’re 34. No! You’re kidding! Whatever you did, call him and apologize right now!
8. Girl, you are better off without a guy so shallow he lets body shape deter him from seeing the beautiful girl inside.
9. Did he recently meet your mother for the first time? Or maybe he’d seen her before, but never from behind?
10. Hate to break it to you, but everybody knew that guy was a cheater. Trust me, I should know.
Once she cools down she’ll appreciate what a good friend you were for distracting her from the breakup. She’ll give you a hug, apologize for getting angry, and this will be the time to reassure her,
You’ll meet somebody before he does. You’re the best at meeting new people–you’ve had like ten boyfriends in the past year.
thoughtsappear
May 3, 2011
Could you post one about keeping your friend from getting back together with her ex? I need that type of advice.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
I’ll work on that. The more I think about it, the more I realize that’s advice the universe needs.
modestypress
May 3, 2011
Before we try to change somebody else, we have to change ourselves. Not only once, but maintain the change every day.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
Are you saying the girl friend needs to change or the friend needs to change? Or are you saying I need to change?
marryin'thelibrarian
May 3, 2011
I’d be happy if my kids could figure out how to change their clothes. Even when I lay their clothes out for them the night before, in the morning they somehow manage to be wearing yesterday’s wardrobe, only slightly dingier.
Girly
May 3, 2011
This reminds me of my last relationship – he cheated on me for a year after we’d been together for over 7 – I cried and cried and he said he was sorry, that he didn’t know why he did it except that he’s really shallow because she was, like, the prettiest girl that was ever interested in him.
Um, thanks.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
Probably not the apology you were looking for.
nursemyra
May 3, 2011
I’m really worried the girl in the picture will never get the chocolate stain out of her doona
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
I’m not sure the doona is her biggest concern, but true, staining the doona chocolate would be a shame.
Calhoun
May 3, 2011
The best part is when you hafta repeat the cycle after finding out that your boyfriend got back with his ex-boyfriend (the one before you) on facebook one morning and all the work is undone. Not speaking from personal experience or anything…
On a separate occasion, I’ve definitely thought about saying something along the lines of number 5 though.
My friend didn’t really see the humor in it.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
I say #1 all the time, even if the two aren’t broken up yet: Did your girlfriend mention me?
marryin'thelibrarian
May 3, 2011
I love #7. And #1. And #3. And, of course, #2 (from the librarian’s perspective). Question: Does Tollhouse make a cookie dough ice cream? I think it’s a prime way to save some tearful steps spent meandering from the refrigerator section to the frozen foods. The package should also include a packet of tissues and spoon made from a non-reflective material (don’t want to frighten myself with my ice cream smeared reflection).
Renee Davies
May 3, 2011
“Offending her is the biggest favor you can do your friend, thus allowing her to convert her feelings of rejection into feelings of rage towards you.” Hahaha…truer than you think. A girlfriend never wants to hear anything negative about the jerk who left her.
marryin'thelibrarian
May 3, 2011
Never say anything mean/true about said ex-boyfriend because, inevitably, she will get back together with him, marry him, make beautiful babies–and always know that you think the father of her children is a terrible kisser. Wait a minute…
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
She’ll remember you said something negative about him if they somehow get back together.
jacquelincangro
May 3, 2011
You know what is also really helpful? To point out to your girlfriend that now, after she spent all that time turning her zero into a hero, he’s probably perfect marriage material. The next woman he dates will be The One.
That usually works like a charm.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
Now that he dated you, he knows exactly what he doesn’t want.
frigginloon
May 3, 2011
My fav is “Sheez, didn’t you know he was married? I babysit his kids!”
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
Didn’t you notice he always said he had to be home by 10:00 to take the babysitter home?
Jamie
May 3, 2011
As someone who dated number 10, maybe a punch in the face could be number 11. Nothing says get over it like a black eye or bloody nose.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
A black eye can be a three day reminder not to mess with you.
Lisa
May 3, 2011
That was hilarious. My fav was #7.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
I think the first half is people telling us what we want to hear, and the second half is what they really think.
Amy
May 3, 2011
Is it wrong that I’m now wishing that I girl I know will get dumped just so I can use some of these?
Tori Nelson
May 3, 2011
Tell me if you find a freshly dumped one. I’ll help (or hurt?) too!
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
It would be wrong not to hope for a friend to get dumped…for some reason. I can’t think of a good answer, but I’m giving you permission and you can use that as an excuse.
Amy
May 4, 2011
Works for me!
Tori, I’ll keep you in the loop.
monicastangledweb
May 3, 2011
I would just tell her to snap out of it and that I have zero tolerance for moping. Then I’d ask for his phone number, now that’s he’s on the market again, promising not to make the same mistakes she did. That should get her nice and riled up, and well over the break-up hump.
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
Very funny. I can see you grilling her, “And what were the things he didn’t like about you? And what are his interests? And what’s his favorite perfume?”
Lenore Diane
May 3, 2011
Being an ice cream addict, I fear your suggestions may ruin me. My friends may read this and instead of agreeing to deal with rejection through Ben & Jerry’s, they may just want to talk about it. Nooooooooo!
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
Are you one of those girls who pretends they got dumped just so their friends will buy them free ice cream?
Lenore Diane
May 4, 2011
Shhhh …. and don’t tell my husband. He wonders why I always come home with swollen eyes from crying and 2 pints of Ben & Jerrys.
bridgesburning
May 3, 2011
Hilarious! Prob is all my girlfriends are stable..I’m the ditz who dates!
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
That’s too bad you read this list because now none of your friends will be able to help you.
madtante
May 3, 2011
Several useful tips!
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
I hope there’s something here that will be useful.
writerwoman61
May 3, 2011
Really, really glad, Paul, that you’re not a girl…you are evil! LOL!
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
That’s what my wife keeps saying.
Spectra
May 3, 2011
This one hits home. Last summer the divorced guy my divorced friend was seeing began to hit on me. I saved most of the texts and showed them to her over cocktails. Of course, they got back together and now we can never hang out together again. Nothing works to convince this type to dump his @$$ and move on. 25 years earlier, I caught the man who would become her ex-husband cheating on her, told her, and she stopped speaking to me and married him. Then, the first guy she left him for (but didn’t mention the impending affair) hit on me one night. I told her. She dumped me as a friend. Then he cheated and dumped her and married the cheat-ee.
In the meanwhile, all of the ice cream and cookie dough these men drove her to eat added the extra 25 lbs to her that seems to be the exact portion they are not interested in marrying.
modestypress
May 4, 2011
They are not called “hit men” in Mafia movies for nothing.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
Sounds like you have a long history of giving bad news your friends don’t want to hear, but that’s what makes you such a good friend.
If only men knew they were to blame for those extra undesirable pounds.
educlaytion
May 4, 2011
“You’re the best at meeting new people…” I like this whole thing. Every word. But that last line really cracked me up.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
I always say that to girls who have a hard time holding on to boyfriends, but they don’t seem to appreciate it.
corzgalore
May 4, 2011
This sounds like the type of advice I do give. I’m so horrible at comforting people. Now I can just use your post as a reference to how I’m ACTUALLY doing them a favour.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
They’ll appreciate your wisdom in a few days or sometimes weeks, although years wouldn’t surprise me either.
Ahmnodt Heare
May 4, 2011
When I break up with a woman, I want to show that there are no hard feelings. I want her to be happy, so I will buy her a fresh set of batteries.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
You’re the classiest fake presidential candidate I know.
Ahmnodt Heare
May 4, 2011
Thank you, sir!
ryoko861
May 4, 2011
LMAO!! What a guy!
spilledinkguy
May 4, 2011
Hahaha…
this is no way to get the Nestle people to send you free stuff, G.G.!
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
I’m convinced most breakups are somehow caused by the ice cream and chocolate industries.
pearlsandprose
May 4, 2011
You saved the best for last. Too funny.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
Thanks. I always hope to end on a high note.
Coco's Vanity Cards
May 4, 2011
You’ve outdone yourself again!
A friend of mine is considering leaving her current boyfriend and instead of re-assuring her I actually said something along the lines of “well, you should reconsider. I mean, do you reckon you could do better than prince charming, actively keeping you below the poverty line and refusing to even look for a job? Really? It’s tough out there nowadays…”
yeah, I can be a great friend if I put my mind to it..:-D
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
You sound like a great friend. Would your friend rather have you lie to her and tell her she can do better even if she can’t?
pegoleg
May 4, 2011
I wanna know how you know so much about girlfriend talk. Are you truly among the Y chromosomed? Or did a woman betray her oath and show you the secret handshake?
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
I do have a lot of girl friends, and although I hope I’m not as blunt as this, I do try and give realistic advice and not just tell them what they want to hear.
reelingintheyears.wordpress.com
May 4, 2011
Thank God she’s not bearing his child. She’s smarter than Britney, Nicole, Kendra & such.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
That’s the thing to say when you suspect she’s bearing his child, but she hasn’t told you yet. “At least you didn’t get pregnant. That would be the worst. Can you imagine how dumb your kid would be?”
Laura
May 4, 2011
These are great. I particularly like #1, #3, and #5.
My contribution: “He came to his senses already? I guess that means Sharon wins the betting pool. Again.”
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
That’s a great response. “Oh, that’s so sad. Can you hold on just a moment while I call Sharon and tell her to pay up? I saw it coming, but Sharon kept insisting he’d wait until after his birthday so you’d still have to get him something.”
She's a Maineiac
May 4, 2011
Nice. Great advice. Or maybe not. I kind of lost track of your post after I saw the cookie dough picture. Seriously though, hilarious. Men suck. But I sure do love me some cookie dough.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
Cookie dough is pretty good now that you mention it. I might go eat some right now.
Penny
May 4, 2011
Men, you can’t live them, and you can’t live without them! But, I do know my next time around, he may have to take a lie dector test-and sign a prenuptial -What do men want most in a relationship-your =first answer doesn’t count !! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
When you say the next time around, I’m assuming you’re not married now. If you are married, this might be surprising for your husband to read.
Penny
May 12, 2011
I really would not reallygo to the lengths of a lie dector-or prenuptial. But, with the games out there today, its a thought. I truly believe in marriage, as I also believe he should be my best friend. Life is short, each day is precious, and my motto for enjoying it is- Love, Laugh, and Pray. We can survive the storms if we have trust, honesty, and a desire for happiness.
Binky
May 4, 2011
He was out of your class anyway, so don’t worry about it. Just set your sights a little/lot lower and learn to settle.
The Good Greatsby
May 4, 2011
When she asks what class he was in, you should answer, “The fact that he even had a class should tell you he was out of your league.”
ryoko861
May 4, 2011
I was always the one who’s boyfriend left her. Most of my friends didn’t have boyfriends or ended up marrying the ones they were dating. Says alot for me. Let me tell ya, there’s no amount of words that can console a girl after a break up. Usually another guy coming along helps.
the master
May 5, 2011
Speaking as a woman, I find nothing cheers me up like a good old fashioned double murder of my ex-boyfriend and former best friend.
Speaking as a man, which is what I actually am, I’m not quite sure why I decided to speak as a woman.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
If your girlfriend really wants to help you feel better she should find you a new boyfriend right away.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 5, 2011
Hilarious, as usual. Do you have a Magic Topic Machine that you spin around and pull ideas from? Don’t answer. I know you do.
The Good Greatsby
May 5, 2011
I do like the idea of a Magic Topic Machine. I’ll try and build a topic robot and whether I’m successful or not, I’m pretty sure I can get a few posts out of the experience, ensuring the robot was a success in giving me ideas no matter how poorly he’s constructed.
flippingchannels
May 7, 2011
Ten in the past year? Ouch.
Tien
May 12, 2011
6 and 7 – my favourites. LOL!