Tough Love Friendship to Distract Your Recently Dumped Girl Friend

Question for women: What do you do when your girlfriend just got dumped and she’s feeling terrible?  How can you cheer her up and help her forget the breakup?  You could suggest the cliche “let’s eat a gallon of ice cream and a tube of Tollhouse cookie dough”, but is gaining three pounds going to help her find another boyfriend?

Don’t try and reassure her with empty calories or empty words.

You could say she’ll meet somebody better, but you know that’s unlikely.
You could tell her he was the problem, but you know your friend and realize she’s the cause of every problem, even things that haven’t happened yet.
You could say she’s not getting any younger, but…wait…maybe you should say this.

Offending her is the biggest favor you can do your friend, thus allowing her to convert her feelings of rejection into feelings of rage towards you.  By the time she’s done screaming about your insensitivity, she will have completely forgotten she’s been dumped.  She’ll thank you later.

After she tells you the cruel way her boyfriend dumped her, she’ll give you a hug, break down in tears, and you should say:

1. Did he mention it was because he was in love with someone else?  I’m just wondering.  No reason.  But did my name come up?  Did he say anything about me?

2. What a jerk! I bet he judges books by their covers, too!

3. I don’t know if this is too soon, but there’s a cute girl in accounting who would be perfect for him.

4. If he doesn’t appreciate your unique personality, you’re better off finding someone else who does appreciate being smothered.

5. Does this mean you two won’t be going to Cancun on our couple’s retreat?  Because I already bought his ticket.  I hope you can reimburse me.  Unless he meets somebody else before then and he and his new girlfriend want to join us.

6. Honey, you could do a lot better than that guy!  Sure he was good looking, but who wants to marry a telemarketer?  What’s that you say?  He was a lawyer?  Oh, good looking and a lawyer.  And he was always so funny.  And really good with kids.  Remember when he taught your nephew how to throw a football?  He was so patient.  I bet he would have been a great dad.  (sigh)  But anyway, (cough, cough) you could have done a lot better (cough, cough).

7. Forget that guy. You don’t need a man to be happy. And why would you want to be tied down at 27?  What’s that?  You’re 34.  No!  You’re kidding!  Whatever you did, call him and apologize right now!

8. Girl, you are better off without a guy so shallow he lets body shape deter him from seeing the beautiful girl inside.

9. Did he recently meet your mother for the first time?  Or maybe he’d seen her before, but never from behind?

10. Hate to break it to you, but everybody knew that guy was a cheater. Trust me, I should know.

Once she cools down she’ll appreciate what a good friend you were for distracting her from the breakup.  She’ll give you a hug, apologize for getting angry, and this will be the time to reassure her,

You’ll meet somebody before he does.  You’re the best at meeting new people–you’ve had like ten boyfriends in the past year.