How to Make Rich Celebrity Friends at William and Kate’s Wedding

Somehow you’ve snagged an invite to rub shoulders with the rich and the famous at the wedding of the decade.  Your friends are impressed, but you don’t care because those were your old, poor, not-David-Beckham friends, because the royal wedding invite is the beginning of your ascension into the upper crust of people who are better than the rest of us.

These winners of the better-than-you lottery do not impress easily, and if you want to make an impression and ensure your invitation to all the best giant hat parties, you need to arrive with a plan for getting people to talk about you–not an easy task with William and Kate hogging all the attention.  I recommend planning some attention-getting ploys to ensure when people look back on William and Kate’s big day, the first thing they’ll remember is you.

1. When the Archbishop of Canterbury asks if anyone objects to these two being joined in marriage, it might be funny to shout, “I object!  I object because the bride is really a man and still legally my husband!”  And when Kate turns around you say, “Oh, I’m sorry.  I’m at the wrong wedding.  Is there another Westminister Abbey in this neighborhood?”  If nobody laughs, take a map out of your pocket, ask David Beckham for directions, and leave.

2. Bow or curtsy to every elderly woman and greet her as, “Your majesty, the Queen,” no matter how little she resembles the Queen.

3. Bow or curtsy to every elderly man and greet him as, “Your majesty, the Queen,” no matter how little he resembles the Queen.

4. Bow or curtsy to Elton John and greet him as, “Your majesty, the Queen.”

5. When Prince William passes, elbow the person next to you and whisper, “Doesn’t that guy look just like Prince William?”

6. When you come out of the chapel and see the crowd of peasants gathered to greet the couple exiting the chapel, tap one of them on the shoulder and ask, “Is somebody getting married?”  Make sure you’re within earshot of the rich people because they love a good joke at the expense of the poor.

7. When the Archbishop of Canterbury asks if anyone objects to these two being joined in marriage, here’s a good way to get a better seat, “Objections to what?  These two being loined in carriage?  That makes no sense.  Oh, oh, you mean joined in marriage.  Sorry, it’s really hard to hear in the back.  Can I come up closer to where William and Kate are standing?”

8. If you’re seated next to a celebrity like Elton John, it might be funny to turn to him and say, “I heard Joss Stone is coming.  Wouldn’t it be fun to meet a celebrity?”

9. If Kate’s hair looks good, see if you can get any mileage from saying, “Instead of Her Royal Highness, they should call her Hair Royal Highness.”  If nobody laughs, say it louder.

10. If Kate’s hair looks bad, you can still try saying, “Hair Royal Highness”.  Will it still be funny?  I don’t know.  To be honest, I doubt either version will win you any laughs, except from me.

If none of these ploys are successful in winning you better friends, remember to mutter under your breath how snobbish and conceited these people are and remember all your old friends are now saying that about you.

I plan to watch every moment of the wedding coverage except for most of it.  If any readers in London will be standing on the street for any part of the procession, please tap someone on the shoulder and ask with a straight face, “What’s everyone looking at?”

I also promise to answer all your comments in a British accent.