Princess Beatrice’s Fascinator

Posted on May 4, 2011


For those of you who said you had zero interest in the Royal Wedding, this is what you missed:

Those who missed the wedding coverage in favor of your local bar’s giant hat drinking game will be sorely disappointed by the irony.

Millions spent on the wedding of the decade, the whole world watching, and all anybody will remember is Princess Beatrice’s hat.  I even alluded to the probability of giant hats in my post How to Make Rich Celebrity Friends at William and Kate’s Wedding by writing how your ability to successfully win attention at the celebration would ensure your invitation to all the best giant hat parties.  (If you weren’t aware giant hat parties are all the rage then you’re hanging out with the wrong social circle, and those friends will get you nowhere.)

I assume Beatrice selected the hat with some help from her mother, Fergie, who was not invited to the wedding–probably because she always finds a way to be the center of attention–and surprise, surprise, somehow her daughter managed to grab the headlines.  Don’t take PR advice from your mother, Princess Beatrice, unless you want to find yourself without an invite to the Queen’s Summer Giant Hatapalooza 2011.

Her sister Eugenie can really hang a hat as well.

Those who wear these hats would correct me and say they are not hats, but rather fascinators, and claim they are supposed to be frivolous, and I say here-here–it’s about time hats or fascinators or frivolity made a comeback.  I also appreciate the possibilities of adding fascinator to the male venacular of double-meaning words to describe women:

“Check out the fascinator on that bird.”
“Hey, show some respect!  That’s the Queen you’re talking about!”

I actually like her fascinator and say three cheers for Princess Beatrice.  Allow me to raise my glass in a toast and say, I am indeed fascinated as I gaze at your fascinator, and my mind begins to drift…

1. BEATRICE TO HAT SHOP ATTENDANT: Do you have any hats that will subconsciously alert men to my fertility, maybe by reminding them of their gym class diagram of the female reproductive organs?

2. BEATRICE TO EUGENIE: Don’t worry, Eugenie, we won’t miss watching Eastenders because I brought a little TV in my purse.
EUGENIE TO BEATRICE: But Beatrice, where did you hide the antenna?

3. BEATRICE TO HER ANIMAL RIGHTS GROUP: Shooting deer is wrong, and I want Grandpa Prince Philip to be reminded of my face every time he shoots one.

4. BEATRICE TO DESIGNER: Can you design something that allows me to send a subtle message that I disapprove of the marriage, but in the politest way possible?
DESIGNER: How about a toilet seat, but with a fancy ribbon around it?

5. EUGENIE TO BEATRICE: I wish I had your moxie, Beatrice, but I keep thinking of Cosmopolitan’s warning about wearing Top Ramen before Labor Day.

6. BEATRICE TO HARRY: All I ever hear about is Prince William and his charity work!  When are people going to start talking about my charity work raising awareness of zombie ants and that fungus that grows out of their heads?

7. BEATRICE TO A MONOCLE CLAD ARISTOCRAT: Any aristocrat can wear a monocle on his eye, but only a princess can wear one on her head.

8. BEATRICE TO HER DIARY: I heard Kate’s been dieting to fit into her dress and has been craving carbs for weeks.  Wouldn’t it be fun to tease her by wearing a giant pretzel?

9. FERGIE TO BEATRICE: Do you remember which James Bond film Grandmum said embarrassed England the most?  Octopussy.

10. BEATRICE TO KATE IN THE RECEPTION LINE: Congratulations!  I’m afraid I’ve misplaced your gift, and it was the loveliest picture frame you’ve ever seen.

I plan to write exclusively about Princess Beatrice’s fascinator from now on.  I expect interest in her hat to trend up, up, up; this is a gravy train that will never end.

And if any readers know where I can find that fascinator, please send me the info, not for me, but for a friend of mine…with my exact same head size.