The Search Engine Oracle Has Spoken

Posted on April 30, 2011


Bloggers receive a list of search terms that lead viewers to their sites.  I assume most people who find my site through a search engine did not find what they were looking for because I have a lot of posts offering satirical advice.  If fifty search engine viewers come to the site each day,  I hope at least one of those fifty will take my advice seriously on saving a job, practical jokes, or raising kids.  If you were hoping for information on how to teach your kids to be smarter,

how to train your dumb child

you probably weren’t expecting a post on ways your dumb kids can trick people into thinking they’re smart. I’ve received many variations of the question “how to manipulate people”, which leads searchers to my post: How to Manipulate People into Throwing You a Party.  My favorites are:

how to manipulate people with your eyes

how you manaplite pepol

Nobody likes manipulators, but at least they’re doing research and working hard to improve their manipulation methods.  Are the people who don’t like to be manipulated working just as hard to learn defenses against manipulation?  No.  And maybe that’s why some people deserve to be manipulated.  Don’t be too hard on the type of person who seeks advice on how to manaplite pepol–seems likely this person will only make it through life by manapliting people as much as possible.

Many search terms in the last couple days came from viewers seeking information on proper etiquette for attendees of William and Kate’s wedding.  It would mean the world to me if somebody who read my post actually attended the wedding and followed any of my advice.  I received many variations of the question:

why don’t royals touch each other

why can’t william and kate touch each other

I hope the answer has nothing to do with protocol but has a science fiction explanation like a freak science lab accident making them magnetic opposites.

william’s friends snobby to kate

I sure hope this was entered by Kate.

there’s a people who definitely do not rejoice on the wedding of william and kate. guess who.

Who?  I genuinely want to know.  This sounds so mysterious, like the searcher had a secret and wanted Google to guess. So many people came searching for William and Kate royal wedding etiquette that I may consider writing about the royal wedding exclusively.  In no way whatsoever do I expect the interest to suddenly end today. The search terms that make me laugh the most are the ones that bow before Google as though it were an all-knowing oracle or the wise old man on the mountain.

i’m thinking whether i will have my revenge

I really want to know the story behind this entry.  What did this searcher expect Google to say?  A date?  A method?  A warning to “look out behind you!”?

why is 6 year old granddaughter now stealing my rings

I really, really want to know this story.  What other background did the grandmother expect Google to have on the 6 year old granddaughter to be able to answer this question? A lot of people have been searching for practical joke ideas that go too far.

how can i tell when i’ve taken a joke too far?

I sure wish I knew the answer to this question. I wrote some posts giving a purposely misleading interpretation of my favorite book, The Great Gatsby, and many searchers come looking for Gatsby info.

what does daisy mean when she says i’ll be a man smoking two ciggarettes

I hope, I hope, I hope some high school student has cited my scholarly Gatsby research in a book report.

Many searches seemed like genuine research about legal rights, but were taken to my post Things I Carry in My Pocket for the Sole Purpose of Confusing the Police in the Event of My Untimely Demise.

when do the police have the right to search my pockets

can the police take things out of your pocket

I hope I didn’t get anybody in trouble…maybe a little trouble would be acceptable.  I hope nobody got hurt…physically.  Emotionally I can accept.

Some odd search terms were intentional:

oh “good greatsby!” paul johnson drools on neighbors floor and causes flood damage

good greatsby could take over the world if he teamed up with educlaytion

These come from the bloggers Ironic Mom and Educlaytion who cannot be trusted and are terrible, terrible people. Other favorites:

is my cat a genious


what is a proper temperature for kids to take off their coats

Never.  They will lose them the second they take them off.  Your kids should sleep in their coats.

is vin diesel’s hair naturally curly?

I don’t know.  A better question: Is Vin Diesel’s acting naturally growly?

what happened to the robots who were going to do our jobs for us

I like to think of this man, waiting at his desk, wishing he could leave early, looking around for that robot, and entering those hopeful terms into the search engine.

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Posted in: Columns