Bloggers receive a list of search terms that lead viewers to their sites. I assume most people who find my site through a search engine did not find what they were looking for because I have a lot of posts offering satirical advice. If fifty search engine viewers come to the site each day, I hope at least one of those fifty will take my advice seriously on saving a job, practical jokes, or raising kids. If you were hoping for information on how to teach your kids to be smarter,
how to train your dumb child
you probably weren’t expecting a post on ways your dumb kids can trick people into thinking they’re smart. I’ve received many variations of the question “how to manipulate people”, which leads searchers to my post: How to Manipulate People into Throwing You a Party. My favorites are:
how to manipulate people with your eyes
how you manaplite pepol
Nobody likes manipulators, but at least they’re doing research and working hard to improve their manipulation methods. Are the people who don’t like to be manipulated working just as hard to learn defenses against manipulation? No. And maybe that’s why some people deserve to be manipulated. Don’t be too hard on the type of person who seeks advice on how to manaplite pepol–seems likely this person will only make it through life by manapliting people as much as possible.
Many search terms in the last couple days came from viewers seeking information on proper etiquette for attendees of William and Kate’s wedding. It would mean the world to me if somebody who read my post actually attended the wedding and followed any of my advice. I received many variations of the question:
why don’t royals touch each other
why can’t william and kate touch each other
I hope the answer has nothing to do with protocol but has a science fiction explanation like a freak science lab accident making them magnetic opposites.
william’s friends snobby to kate
I sure hope this was entered by Kate.
there’s a people who definitely do not rejoice on the wedding of william and kate. guess who.
Who? I genuinely want to know. This sounds so mysterious, like the searcher had a secret and wanted Google to guess. So many people came searching for William and Kate royal wedding etiquette that I may consider writing about the royal wedding exclusively. In no way whatsoever do I expect the interest to suddenly end today. The search terms that make me laugh the most are the ones that bow before Google as though it were an all-knowing oracle or the wise old man on the mountain.
i’m thinking whether i will have my revenge
I really want to know the story behind this entry. What did this searcher expect Google to say? A date? A method? A warning to “look out behind you!”?
why is 6 year old granddaughter now stealing my rings
I really, really want to know this story. What other background did the grandmother expect Google to have on the 6 year old granddaughter to be able to answer this question? A lot of people have been searching for practical joke ideas that go too far.
how can i tell when i’ve taken a joke too far?
I sure wish I knew the answer to this question. I wrote some posts giving a purposely misleading interpretation of my favorite book, The Great Gatsby, and many searchers come looking for Gatsby info.
what does daisy mean when she says i’ll be a man smoking two ciggarettes
I hope, I hope, I hope some high school student has cited my scholarly Gatsby research in a book report.
Many searches seemed like genuine research about legal rights, but were taken to my post Things I Carry in My Pocket for the Sole Purpose of Confusing the Police in the Event of My Untimely Demise.
when do the police have the right to search my pockets
can the police take things out of your pocket
I hope I didn’t get anybody in trouble…maybe a little trouble would be acceptable. I hope nobody got hurt…physically. Emotionally I can accept.
Some odd search terms were intentional:
oh “good greatsby!” paul johnson drools on neighbors floor and causes flood damage
good greatsby could take over the world if he teamed up with educlaytion
These come from the bloggers Ironic Mom and Educlaytion who cannot be trusted and are terrible, terrible people. Other favorites:
is my cat a genious
No.
what is a proper temperature for kids to take off their coats
Never. They will lose them the second they take them off. Your kids should sleep in their coats.
is vin diesel’s hair naturally curly?
I don’t know. A better question: Is Vin Diesel’s acting naturally growly?
what happened to the robots who were going to do our jobs for us
I like to think of this man, waiting at his desk, wishing he could leave early, looking around for that robot, and entering those hopeful terms into the search engine.
The Good Greatsby 
sunnywithachanceofarmageddon
April 30, 2011
I’m so glad that someone noticed that. The search engines have become bad couples to humans. It’s like when one person in a relationship begins a sentence and the other finishes it, but does so incorrectly. It’s awkward and embarrassing for the couple. However, it’s absolutely hilarious to onlookers! Thanks for the suggestions, Google! You give me all of the things that I would’ve never thought that I wanted to know anything about!
The Good Greatsby
April 30, 2011
Google is supposed to be pretty smart, but very rarely does it send me anybody who intended to come to my site.
thelifeofjamie
April 30, 2011
I love looking at my search terms…I currently have one that states this: you make me laugh you make me cry… you make my nostrils want to die
I can only assume this is a nod to my nostril flaring abilities.
The Good Greatsby
April 30, 2011
How does Google know so much about your nostril flaring abilities?
educlaytion
April 30, 2011
Thanks for the great Saturday a.m. laughs! Search terms will never leave us uninspired. I’m glad you got my message and even happier you called me a terrible person since you are wrong about everything that means I am awesome.
I do the same thing, picture who these people are sitting there and typing this stuff. Yesterday I got “porcopine sexual intercourse.” I don’t want to know.
The Good Greatsby
April 30, 2011
No matter how odd the term, I can usually tell what post Google thought the searcher was looking for, but occasionally something like “porcopine sexual intercourse” comes along, and I have no idea.
pegoleg
May 1, 2011
Yeah, I get that one a lot, too.
Binky
May 1, 2011
Most likely it was a teenage porcupine looking for some guidance.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
The lack of sexual education for young porcupines is appalling.
pegoleg
May 1, 2011
I believe a federal program is in the works. ‘Bout damn time.
averageinsuburbia
April 30, 2011
The saddest one I had on my blog was a person who googled, “is it to late to become a dentist?” I picture a disillusioned car salesman, around 45 years old. He’s sitting forlornly in front of his computer at 2 AM thinking, “Why not? Why not make my dreams come true? Maybe it’s not too late!” He googles the question and what does he find? A six sentence commentary on Rafa Nadal’s habit of biting every trophy he wins. Sorry pal!
The Good Greatsby
April 30, 2011
How odd. I had one that said “am i too old to be economist?”. Google doesn’t know how old you are, searcher.
modestypress
May 2, 2011
A friend once told me that in the middle of working on his teeth his dentist suddenly exclaimed, “When I think of the 18-year-old boy who decided on this as a career, I could go back and kill him!”
On the other hand, my dentist, who is even older than I am, and seems to greatly enjoy his work, told me that he was having trouble getting into classes he wanted as an undergraduate in college, noticed that pre-med and pre-dental students were given priority, so put himself down as a pre-dental, and then just for the heck of it, submitted the application, and to his surprise was accepted, and said to himself, “Well, I will give it a try.”
limr
April 30, 2011
I believe the person asking “is my cat a genius” then made his/her way over to my site. Cats certainly dominate my search terms. Yesterday’s cat-related search was “why does my cat sometimes sound like she’s saying hello”. I have yet to see, however, anyone searching for “party hats for cats”.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
That was me asking “why does my cat sometimes sound like she’s saying hello”. Do you know the answer?
limr
May 1, 2011
I do, in fact. The aliens are trying to make contact. Cats are generally a non-threatening way to do this.
Renee Davies
May 1, 2011
Cats do a lot of blinking when they like you. Blinkity blinks. When they hate you, their eyes bulge. How do I know? Google told me.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
What does it mean if a cat pulls a knife on you? Is that good or bad?
modestypress
May 2, 2011
All cats carry knives. They are called “claws.” We once lived next door to two fat, friendly cats. As I am mildly allergic to cats, we never kept one, but I like them, and can pet and handle them for brief periods. One day I petter neighbor cat #1, who purred and rubbed against me and was very friendly. Neighbor cat #2 approached, so I petted him. He purred and rubbed for a few minutes, and then suddenly stabbed me with his knife. The owner then warned me about this behavior.
Apparently cat #2 had never been properly socialized as a kitten. Most cats when they are bored with being petted just walk away. Neighbor cat #2 never learned this skill, so a sudden clawing met, “I am bored with being petted. Stop. Now.
Actually, I know quite a few people who operated in this way, typically with words, but I suppose in the tougher parts of town there are ones who use knives.
Annie
April 30, 2011
Thanks for the Saturday laugh. Based on some of the search terms that have hit my site (and how poorly they are spelled) I envision a couple of 12-year-old boys giggling while they google. I’ve recently had “stinky girl” and “pead persons skin”. Back in the dark ages, “people” (ahem, no one I knew) just looked “naughty” words up in the dictionary.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
Kids today are lucky to have the Internet. The dictionary isn’t very helpful when a 12 year old boy wants to know why girls stink.
Erica
May 1, 2011
Of mine, my favorite one (that I can mention here anyway) is “chuck norris riding a velociraptor.”
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I would pay to see that movie.
ajg
May 1, 2011
Hilarious. I love insights into Greatsby The Blogger. The man behind the blog. I’m a little disappointed that I wasn’t the only person who thought it would be hilarious to do joke google searches that you would see. I thought that was original comic gold. But let the jury know that I have no such google search results of my own to browse, and thought it up all by myself instead of on a lonely Friday night with just the glow of the computer screen. Well, I probably was alone on a Friday basking in computer glow, but I was probably looking at porn or something. So the idea is more original.
Please post more of these as they come.
ajg
May 1, 2011
these results (yours and in the comments above) greatly illustrate how dumb people are. how did they get a computer? who is giving them money for doing things?
but then again maybe i should check my google search history and do a looksie.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
It was certainly a surprise to see what kind of search terms people enter as well as their creative spelling.
mikehoods
May 1, 2011
I just posted about this a few days ago. I finally thought I was onto smething original and clever for once, guess not. Far from getting fifty clicks a day solely from search engine queries, the ones that I do receive are still generally good for a chuckle. Most of them seem to include the phrase “indecent exposure.”
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
“Indecent exposure”? I’ll have to take a close look at your blog.
cbeck
May 1, 2011
Drats. Foiled again by google. But I will one day find the key to starting my nipple nation. Oh… that time will come!
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
Um…okay.
cbeck
May 1, 2011
Because it sounds like ‘manipulation’? Too far, huh? Have I mentioned scientists are socially awkward? This is not mitigated in the online world. 🙂 ~Cheers!
spilledinkguy
May 1, 2011
Hahaha! This ‘search engine’ you speak of sounds like a lot of fun…
I can’t believe I didn’t think of trying this out! Perhaps I will…
I wonder if you’ll be able to guess which search terms were mine?!
🙂
spilledinkguy
May 1, 2011
Interesting…
my results pulled up:
1.
Your William and Kate Royal Wedding Etiquette Guide
I would not have expected that. 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I’m a renowned and respected expert on the royal wedding. If you don’t believe me, just ask the Internet.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
Yes, you should certainly try search engines. They’ve become very popular.
Hi, I'm Natalie.
May 1, 2011
Ironic mom & educlaytion inspire me. In very, very evil ways.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
Both of them are trouble.
Margie
May 1, 2011
Clearly people who are intelligent and have aspirations for greater things are sent to my blog. So says this Google search term that led someone to my site: “spelling to become tomorrow’s leaders”
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I’ve always said we should pay more attention to spelling when choosing our leaders.
Punchie
May 1, 2011
Unlike yourself- whose actually talented enough to build an audience- I rely on “determined face” to hook people to my site. Makes me think to scrap everything and just make a DETERMINED FACE GALLERY. The ad revenue alone would be staggering.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I didn’t know “determined face” was such a popular hook. I’ll have to look into this and steal your idea if it’s true.
Spectra
May 1, 2011
Uhm..how do I find out what search terms are relevent to my literary effusions? I’ve never tried this before…(((i’malittlebitfrightened)))
Spectra
May 1, 2011
Nevermind…I figured it out on my own. Here are the results for my accidental Google hunters:
1. clean black photoactivated paper
2. kill scene
3. green m&ms
4. vampire zombie party ball
5. april 21 2011 escaped convicts
6. can a woman use a chainsaw
7. pms m&ms
This is pause for concern: What if this is all the same person? I mean, s*#t!
April 20, 2011: The scene: “This will be the greatest vampire zombie ball ever – EVER! I need to set up my ‘kill scene’…now if I could just find some ‘CLEAN black photoactivated paper’ to record my death-art in the dark…dammit ‘pms’! It gets me everytime! Where did I put those ‘green m&ms’? If only I had a chainsaw…yessss….that’s it, a chainsaw…”
“can a woman use a chainsaw?” …”better Google that just to be sure if I can” “where can i get more ‘pms m&ms’ online…Oh, somebodies gonna pay for this!
April 21, 2011: (next morning, after a successful zombie vampire ball killing spree) ‘april 21 2011 escaped convicts’…”heh heh..they’ll never catch me…”
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I can’t think of anything on your blog that would match most of these search terms. Doesn’t Google know you write almost exclusively about catching and re-catching mice with the occasional mention of your renowned burnt match collection thrown in?
Spectra
May 2, 2011
I know, right? My innocent mouse-saga-blog is misused to this end. Boggles -the-mind.
Laura
May 1, 2011
I’m pretty sure that “can a woman use a chainsaw” is an abbreviated version of “how can a woman use a chainsaw”, which is what I always search for when I can’t find any pms m&ms.
Spectra
May 2, 2011
LOFL – – – (want me to spell that one out for you???)
Olivia K
May 1, 2011
I am a bit heartbroken that my flood quote was attributed to Ironic Mom . . .
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
Was that you? Search bombers rarely leave their names, so I thought this was one of many Ironic Mom had sent me on that same day. I’ll make sure and give you credit for something somebody else did in the future.
Olivia K
May 1, 2011
As long as I get my five minutes of pseudo-fame, I’ll be happy. It was Ironic mom who inspired me to try the whole search bomber thing so she should probably get the credit anyhow.
Calhoun
May 1, 2011
If it makes you feel any better, the number one search term that leads to my blog?
Rum.
… I’m beginning to think I have a problem
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I didn’t want to say anything, but Google has been trying to gather your readers together to stage an online intervention.
Emily Jane
May 1, 2011
I love these sorts of posts, and I applaud you once again on making hilarity of the human race 🙂 Probably my favourite post of yours so far!
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
Thank you. I’ll accept applause for any reason.
modestypress
May 1, 2011
When I was young, I remember learning about a Greek search engine called Delphi from a couple of thousands years ogo. Or maybe it was called Wikipedia from a couple of thousand years in the future, when I will be rather old. I think the Greek pantheon of Gods was an open-source theology. I remember reading once that the priestesses of Delphi were stoned, or so scholars surmise. I am just old and perhaps senescent. Once upon a time, old people were considered wise. Don’t hold your breath waiting for a wise comment from me on this blog (or any).
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
Those Greeks thought of everything. I tip my imaginary hat to you, ancient Greeks.
ajg
May 1, 2011
i thought ancient greeks were also imaginary? like eskimos.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I’ve never met an ancient Greek, so I can’t say for sure they existed. I’ve never met an Eskimo either, so I can’t say for sure they existed.
Renee Davies
May 1, 2011
Did you come across my Google search? “Good Greatsby, CIA agent?” or the one where I searched “Good Greatsby, kitchen repairs and piano tune-ups?”
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I wondered how Google knew I was planning a kitchen repair and piano tune-up business. I had never written that idea down or said it out loud.
Amy
May 1, 2011
It’s probably for the best that we can’t see the people who are entering these search terms and the aftermath of said search. I already have a pretty low opinion of most humans as it is.
I got “robot dick drawing” as a search the other day. Seriously. People are weird. And they’re finding me!
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
As I make fun of these search terms and the type of person who would enter them, I worry there might be a long-term reader who actually found the site through one of the terms I made fun of.
Binky
May 1, 2011
I forgive you, but I’m not telling you how I found your site. It had nothing to do with porcupines, however.
Spectra
May 2, 2011
LOFL – Amy, you were sorta asking for it, what with that great Easter-Egg-Spaceship you made the other day…you just gotta know that would draw the creeps outa the walls.
shreejacob
May 1, 2011
I like your “search engine terms”! Mine seem so bland 😦
(For some reason comparing search engine terms and feeling bad about it sounds terribly wrong..lol!)
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
Maybe you need to write one post that contains all the odd terms you can think of, and you’ll start attracting more weirdos.
Laura
May 1, 2011
Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of search hits on “that was disappointing”. I’m trying not to take it personally.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
You can’t please all readers, especially when some are hoping to be disappointed.
monicastangledweb
May 1, 2011
Here’s an interesting search engine term that led someone to me. There’s probably a story in it somewhere: “Mexican Fugitives.”
Go figure.
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
Hmm…is it possible someone suspects you’re harboring “Mexican Fugitives” and is trying to scare you?
monicastangledweb
May 2, 2011
Actually, my home happens to be one of the spots on the underground railroad, and since I am fluent in Spanish, it is ideal locale for Mexican fugitives escaping from Alcatraz–50 years ago.if they make it down this way, I’m ready.
Billie Jo Woods
May 1, 2011
My favourite one on my list is:
mothers day e-trade baby promo
I picture some childless woman out there looking on google for a baby just because it was mother’s day and she wanted a card!
Laura
May 1, 2011
Or perhaps a mother seeking to trade her baby in for a more suitable one.
Billie Jo Woods
May 1, 2011
I promise I wasn’t trying to trade mine on my blog because that would be just plain wrong but now that you have got me thinking…
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
I got both of my children by signing up for e-trade promotions.
Billie Jo Woods
May 1, 2011
As you do. It is the modern version of the stork after all.
madtante
May 1, 2011
These are fabulous but not enough to get me to “switch on” the find-me thinger. I have always set my blogs (when easily offered) to “block search engines.”
Cos I write some crazy shite–and it’s always real unless I state “here’s an excerpt from ___.”
how you manaplite pepol Love it!
Spectra
May 2, 2011
That person probably wouldn’t have understood the Instructions for “How To Manipulate People”, if they ever found it to begin with…
Gemma Sidney
May 1, 2011
Nicely written.
The best search engine term used to find my blog is probably “what help is there for dog with chronic flatuance”.
I also had some extra traffic thanks to my article about Wills and Kate’s wedding. One very sadly uninformed person asked Google “will kate and wills receptions be televised”, and they looked to my blog for the answer. Not sure I was of any use to them.
lovelyshadesofnostalgia
May 2, 2011
Hahaha! I have rarely even noticed the search terms on my site. But you definitely made me go check them out. Not nearly as interesting as yours, but a few odd ones:
old man champagne drinker (are they looking for a specific old man?), pics of Judy Garland in two piece swim suit (really?. . .), soda jerk dairy dipper paper hats (wouldn’t it just be easier to type soda jerk hat?), enamor me as to the delights (I don’t even want to know what they were looking for, but I’m sure it wasn’t my post on carousels o_O), embroidery stitches “stishes of love (lovely spelling),” asphodel agony. . .???? I don’t even know what that is, and there is nothing in my blog even close to that. Perhaps the mysteries of search terms are better left buried.
Jess Witkins
May 2, 2011
Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard at your post. I kept visualizing the royal couple trying to touch each other and gliding diagonally away like retracting magnets.
P.S. You and Clay could take over the world. I just want a groupie t-shirt, cool?
the master
May 2, 2011
My site gets a lot of Seinfeld-related terms, which is not all that surprising since it’s called The Master Of His Domain. Obviously the most common so far is “master of his domain”, but I’ve also had multiple variations of “timeless art of seduction”, along with “festivus” and “festivus miracle”. I’ve also had visitors with more, er, varied tastes, judging by “kurt angle theme jenna haze”. I assume this is in reference to professional wrestler Kurt Angle’s theme music, which name checks Jenna’s Haze and Jameson. That, or someone had an awesome theme idea for a party.
The weirdest one I’ve ever had is “master sleem jai kale kalgate wale”. I honestly have no idea what the hell that means.
Lenore Diane
May 2, 2011
Oh my gosh! Many comments with this here post. I’m adding, because today I have two searches that lead to my blog. I hang my head in shame (and disgust) as I share….
First, girl on girl trail video.
Second, my teeth fairy tale.
Though this is just a guess, I doubt they found what they were ‘searching’ to find.
flippingchannels
May 2, 2011
Beautiful. I’m going to start paying more attention to the searches that bring people to my site.
writerwoman61
May 2, 2011
Fun post, Paul…I’ve done a couple of these posts myself…I always wonder how much time someone has to have to want to search “what is the cereal commercial with grandmas in a factory?” Someone actually used that term to find my blog this week…I have no idea what post it led them to…is this a burning question that might actually keep someone awake at night?
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
May 3, 2011
Most of the time I can deduct what Google thought they were looking for on my site, but occasionally it makes no sense. What do you think led Google to send the “what is the cereal commercial with grandmas in a factory?” searcher to your site?
Wendy, I recently left a comment on your blog, but it didn’t show up. Please check your spam.
writerwoman61
May 3, 2011
Thanks for alerting me to the fact that you were languishing in my spam bucket, Paul…I would have found you eventually under the pile of penis enlargement promos (did that sound wrong?…sorry)…
The only thing I can figure is that I’m a Gramma, I’ve written about both my Grandmas, I had a post about cereal, and I’ve definitely mentioned factories more than once…Google must have said,”Let’s send this numbnuts to Hammond River!”
Wendy
gojulesgo
May 3, 2011
A William and Kate post yields search engine gold, but writing about Daniel Radcliffe naked on Broadway? You don’t even want to know. This post cracked me up! I need to start treating Google more like a magic 8 ball.
molassestadpole
August 2, 2011
hahaha i really want to google my favorite blogs now, disguised within a highly questionable google search 🙂