I Have Good News and Bad News

Posted on May 10, 2011


If someone says they have good news and bad news and asks which I want to hear first, I always reply, “Give me the good news first,” because there’s always a chance I might die before they get to the bad news.

Sometimes you choose hearing the good news first, but the good news also contains a very strong hint of the bad news:

HUSBAND TO HIS WIFE: I have good news, honey.  Your selection of me as a husband has been validated because apparently your best friend finds me very attractive as well.

Good news, son!

COACH TELLING HIS SON BASEBALL TEAM TRYOUT RESULTS: Son, remember the first day of tryouts when you said you didn’t want any special treatment just because your dad was the coach?  Well, the good news is I didn’t show you any favoritism.

JOB INTERVIEW: The good news is your past work experience perfectly matches 20% of the job requirements.

HUSBAND TELLING WIFE ABOUT 401K RETIREMENT FUND: Remember how you said you were gaining weight because we ate out too much?  Here’s the good news: We won’t be able to afford to eat out ever again.

BOSS APPROACHING EMPLOYEE’S DESK: Are these pictures of your kids?  Wow, they’re cute.  The good news is you’re going to have a lot more time to spend with those cute kids.

SON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE BABYSITTING CALLING DURING DINNER: Mom, you remember how you’re always telling us kids we should get out of the house and spend more time outdoors?  Your dream of spending more time as a family outdoors has come true.  (Sound of fire engine sirens in background.)

Good news, Mom!

HUSBAND TELLING WIFE HE’S FOUND HER LONG LOST BROTHER: Honey, remember how you always wondered what happened to the brother your parents put up for adoption?  I’ve been doing research on both our families and the good news is, not only did I find your brother, it turns out I’m adopted and have a sister.

LAWYER REPORTING TO CLIENT ON DEATH PENALTY APPEAL: You always said the endless appeals were driving you crazy, and you wanted the case resolved one way or the other.  The good news is your case will be resolved at midnight.

SON TELLING MOM ABOUT A NEW HOBBY: You’re always telling me to find a hobby where I work with my hands, and you were right, I really enjoy working with my hands and repairing antique vases.

DOCTOR EXPLAINING ULTRASOUND: You know that saying, ‘Two heads are better than one’?

Posted in: Columns, Random Humor