If someone says they have good news and bad news and asks which I want to hear first, I always reply, “Give me the good news first,” because there’s always a chance I might die before they get to the bad news.
Sometimes you choose hearing the good news first, but the good news also contains a very strong hint of the bad news:
HUSBAND TO HIS WIFE: I have good news, honey. Your selection of me as a husband has been validated because apparently your best friend finds me very attractive as well.
Good news, son!
COACH TELLING HIS SON BASEBALL TEAM TRYOUT RESULTS: Son, remember the first day of tryouts when you said you didn’t want any special treatment just because your dad was the coach? Well, the good news is I didn’t show you any favoritism.
JOB INTERVIEW: The good news is your past work experience perfectly matches 20% of the job requirements.
HUSBAND TELLING WIFE ABOUT 401K RETIREMENT FUND: Remember how you said you were gaining weight because we ate out too much? Here’s the good news: We won’t be able to afford to eat out ever again.
BOSS APPROACHING EMPLOYEE’S DESK: Are these pictures of your kids? Wow, they’re cute. The good news is you’re going to have a lot more time to spend with those cute kids.
SON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE BABYSITTING CALLING DURING DINNER: Mom, you remember how you’re always telling us kids we should get out of the house and spend more time outdoors? Your dream of spending more time as a family outdoors has come true. (Sound of fire engine sirens in background.)
Good news, Mom!
HUSBAND TELLING WIFE HE’S FOUND HER LONG LOST BROTHER: Honey, remember how you always wondered what happened to the brother your parents put up for adoption? I’ve been doing research on both our families and the good news is, not only did I find your brother, it turns out I’m adopted and have a sister.
LAWYER REPORTING TO CLIENT ON DEATH PENALTY APPEAL: You always said the endless appeals were driving you crazy, and you wanted the case resolved one way or the other. The good news is your case will be resolved at midnight.
SON TELLING MOM ABOUT A NEW HOBBY: You’re always telling me to find a hobby where I work with my hands, and you were right, I really enjoy working with my hands and repairing antique vases.
DOCTOR EXPLAINING ULTRASOUND: You know that saying, ‘Two heads are better than one’?
The Good Greatsby 
carldagostino
May 10, 2011
Good news is you are going to heaven. Bad news : you’re going tomorrow.
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2011
This is why I like to hear the good news first.
the master
May 10, 2011
Doctor: “We just got your test results back. You know how you always say you’re a positive person? Well, it turns out that’s true in more ways than one.”
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2011
Why do we call bad test results positive?
the master
May 10, 2011
Why do some test results come back as “prognosis negative”, leading you to suspect the worst and tell those around you how you really feel about them because you think you have nothing to lose?
It’s a puzzle.
drFaust
May 10, 2011
love it! Good to see you are a glass half full kind of guy! I’ve got one.
Honey you know how you said I should “get in shape” well after a long search I’ve finally found a girl on a dating site called shape.
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2011
A girl named Shape will always feel pressure to keep her figure.
azzahawk
May 10, 2011
Funny thing, that one about the adoption…. That actually happened to me……
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2011
I always assumed you were adopted, maybe even more than once.
nursemyra
May 11, 2011
haha… I’m adopted and I always secretly hoped it would happen to me too
nursemyra
May 11, 2011
I met my half brother when I was thirty, and he’s kind of cute too, with a good sense of humour. If we’d met before we knew who each other was maybe we would have dated
But there’s still another half brother out there somewhere I haven’t met yet….. 😉
Ahmnodt Heare
May 10, 2011
Phone call: “Dad, Remember how you keep telling me I have to move out of the house? I found a place but can’t talk about it too much as this is the only phone call I am allowed.”
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2011
Did your dad take your incarceration as bad news?
Ahmnodt Heare
May 11, 2011
Oddly enough, no.
ryoko861
May 10, 2011
That’s good!!
thelifeofjamie
May 10, 2011
There is no way to make twins sound good…two heads = twice the weight gain and stretch marks!
ryoko861
May 10, 2011
These were great!
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2011
I meant to imply the baby had two heads, but twins also sound bad.
teacher
June 26, 2011
especially when the 2 heads are attached to one body
jacquelincangro
May 10, 2011
HUSBAND CALLS WIFE AS HE’S FILLING OUT A POLICE REPORT: Remember how you said that you thought we should be more environmentally friendly and ditch our gas guzzler?
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2011
She’s always wanted to downgrade–maybe not downgrade to no car at all–but who is she to be so picky?
Amy
May 10, 2011
Similar to you, I always ask for the good news first, however my reasoning is that THEY might die before getting to the bad news.
Awesome as always, Paul!
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2011
How did I never consider the possibility that the newsgiver might die first?
Amy
May 10, 2011
Probably because you don’t consider homicide an acceptable solution to avoiding unpleasant conversations.
pegoleg
May 10, 2011
SON PRESENTING MOM WITH GLOSSY BROCHURES FROM SHADY ACRES
“Mom, remember when you said you never wanted to be a burden on us? Well, happy Mother’s Day!”
The Good Greatsby
May 10, 2011
Mother’s Day really is the best time to give her the Shady Acres brochures.
Tori Nelson
May 10, 2011
I was laughing at the Husband Brother scenario… then I realized I live in Tennessee and that incest thing is no joking matter 😦
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I’m sorry if I’ve offended you or any of your brother-husbands.
madtante
May 10, 2011
‘Two heads are better than one’
spilledinkguy
May 11, 2011
The good news is that this is hilarious.
The bad news is this comment is lame.
The good news is you are used to my comments being lame.
The bad news is that kinda’ hurts my feelings.
The good news is I’m over it.
The bad news is I can’t seem to stop typing.
The good news is I’m forcing myself to anyway.
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
Wait, your own comment hurt your feelings?
Jeane
May 11, 2011
Wife to husband: the good news is that I actually did name the boys after their fathers.
You’ll have to excuse me now, I feel faint. My husband gave me the 401 news a few months back and I am hungry.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
Once your husband found out they weren’t his kids, he probably wanted the 401k to fail to make sure they didn’t get anything after he was gone.
officeoddities
May 11, 2011
The good news is my first day of yoga was awesome. The bad news is even my fingers hurt from it. Typing this may put me in the hospital.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I’m flattered you would risk hospitalization in order to make a comment.
Renee Davies
May 11, 2011
Bad news first is best, then you have something good to look forward to.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
But what if the bad news gives me a fatal heart attack?
Cheryl
May 11, 2011
“GOOD NEWS: Finally took that walk in the bush behind the cottage even though I was wearing the wrong shoes.” Pearls & Prose put me onto you and I’ll have to remember to thank her!
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
The best way to thank her would be returning to this site five times a day and leaving lots of comments so Pearls & Prose can see how much this site means to you.
modestypress
May 11, 2011
This good news is that this comment is not serious. The bad news is that this comment is not funny.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I’ll take it. Good to see you.
notesfromrumbleycottage
May 11, 2011
Not making a joke because I am chuckling too hard. Greaat post.
Jess Witkins
May 11, 2011
Remind me to never ask you to sugar coat it for me! LOL.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I’ll try and give it to you straight.
Invisible Mikey
May 11, 2011
Your approach is as smooth as George Clooney’s in “Up in the Air” (where his job is to fly around first class to fire people kindly, on behalf of wimpy corporate bosses).
I’m relieved my license only allows me to give good news to patients:
“See? this is your heart, and because you took a good, deep, breath it spreads out the lung tissue and gives the doctor enough detail for a diagnosis.”
Then the doc can come in and say:
“You have pneumonia.”
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
Finally, somebody besides me compares me to George Clooney.
Tony McGurk
May 11, 2011
Ha I really like the 1st & 2nd last ones
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I hope these will somehow be useful.
berettaluvz26
May 11, 2011
I prefer the really serious/not that serious approach.
“I’m sorry, your wife died in the accident. Nah, just kidding, she’s only paralyzed.”
Of course, you have to include the dramatic pause to really let the first half to sink in or they won’t get the humor of the situation.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I’m also a fan of that strategy. That was my preferred method of giving my parents bad news.
berettaluvz26
May 11, 2011
With them, I could always find something REALLY bad my sisters did to tell them about before I told them about the pretty bad thing I did.
That never worked, though.
youngamericanwisdom.com
May 11, 2011
“Mom, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is I didn’t get in trouble and the bad news isn’t really that bad so I’ve decided it’s not that important for you to know anyway.” This from my 8- year-old.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
How nice of your eight-year-old to spare you the trouble of hearing the bad news.
Bearman
May 11, 2011
“I’ve been doing research on both our families and the good news is, not only did I find your brother, it turns out I’m adopted and have a sister.” Well at least it wasn’t his wife…oh wait. crap!!
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
At least it will make visiting both families at Christmas easier.
Binky
May 11, 2011
The good news is your blog traffic is through the roof. The bad new is it’s because you died.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I worry some bloggers would be willing to make that trade.
frigginloon
May 11, 2011
Good news ” Hi honey, remember that serial killer police are looking for, well they caught him”
Bad news “You wouldn’t have the number of my lawyer on you?”
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
Maybe she’ll be excited to find out she’s married to a celebrity.
Laura
May 11, 2011
If you die before getting the bad news, the person with the news has to tell your wife “I have good news and two pieces of bad news” and then have her choose from all six possible news permutations.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
If there are six different ways of giving the news, well, I just don’t have an efficient system worked out for that yet.
Laura
May 12, 2011
Oh, that’s easy — you just write the possibilities on index cards and let the person receiving the news arrange them in whatever order they like. So if you sense you’re about to die just as someone is giving you some news, you just need to gasp “give these cards to my wife” while pointing at a set of index cards on which you’ve written “good news”, “bad news”, and “the bad news I was about to tell your husband right before he died”.
writerwoman61
May 11, 2011
“The good news is, the pedestrian I hit isn’t going to sue.”
(totally fictitious scenario…I don’t have a driver’s license)
Hilarious post, Paul…
Wendy
teacher
June 26, 2011
The good news is…Conrad Black is still on house arrest and has not yet been permitted back into Canada. The bad news is there really is no such thing as good news about a fraudulent psychopath like Conrad Black.