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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Food Pyramid We Hardly Knew Ye
Yesterday the United States Department of Agriculture announced it was abandoning the food pyramid icon and moving to a new icon called “My Plate”. The USDA gave the following reasons for the change: 1. Many people found the food pyramid confusing, especially on the matter of whether food should be served from a pyramid instead […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
How to Out-stalk a Stalker
June 2, 2011
If you suspect you’ve attracted a stalker, you can try and get a restraining order and take a chance he’ll be scared off, but TV has taught me you’re just as likely to provoke him to new levels of stalkerdom. Instead of letting him know you’re worried, why not stalk him back and scare him […]
Palin and Trump 2012
June 1, 2011
Sarah Palin and Donald Trump met yesterday in New York. They held a brief pretend meeting at Trump’s office, spoke to a huge throng of press corp about pretend issues, then went for pizza. They towed the families along for the pizza outing because of course Trump was probably already planning to head to his […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Keep Drinkin’ the Hateorade: Version 2.0
May 31, 2011
Perhaps you’ve heard the slang term “hateorade” as in “Don’t be sippin’ on the hateorade!” This is a term most often employed after a logical, fair argument has been presented, and the recipient of the criticism has no logic or facts to toss back and uses hateorade to hint at jealousy being the root of […]
Posted in: Columns
Memorial Memorial Day
May 30, 2011
Today America celebrates Memorial Day–a day to remember fallen U.S. Service Members. Many Americans will observe the holiday by visiting cemeteries and memorials to the dead. These memorials may take the form of a sculpture, a statue, a plaque, or even an entire park. Just wondering, but is there any interest in creating a Memorial […]
Posted in: Columns
Sunday Salad
May 29, 2011
Our 7-year-old, The Fonz, told my wife with a sigh, “I’m not as cute as I used to be.” My wife assured him he was still very cute. He nodded to acknowledge the compliment, then sighed again, “But still not as cute as I used to be.” He seems awfully young to begin worrying about […]
Posted in: Columns
What did Obama say to the Queen?
May 28, 2011
“Why did we even split up? Let’s never fight again.” “Can you introduce me to Elton John?” “Fergie asked me to ask you if you were mad at her. She can’t think of what she might have done to upset you.” “That Pippa can really hang a bridesmaid’s dress, what, what?” “I don’t want to […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
When Someone You Don’t Love Says I Love You
May 27, 2011
If you’re anything like me, people fall in love with you a lot. At first it was flattering–like twenty years ago–but I’m a man with places to go, people to see, compliments to receive, and I can’t be distracted three times a day trying to think of a polite response to a profession of love. […]
Posted in: Advice
WWJBD? (What would James Bond do?)
May 26, 2011
It has become common among some Christian groups to greet life’s decisions with the question, “What would Jesus do?” This theological consideration is sometimes turned into the acronym “WWJD?” and printed on bumper stickers, t-shirts, bracelets, and a collection of other tacky clothing I’m pretty sure Jesus would never wear. If Jesus wouldn’t wear that […]
Scenes from the Special Relationship
May 25, 2011
US President Barack Obama is visiting the United Kingdom as part of an official state visit. Past leaders of both countries have been fond of using the term “special relationship” to describe the US-UK bond. I’ve never been sure how to interpret “special relationship”. It’s the kind of vague label that a high school guy […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Phone-acting 101
May 24, 2011
Characters in TV and movies talk on the phone much differently than real people. In real life you have the benefit of talking to a live person, but one actor on the phone is charged with carrying on a conversation for two. We can’t tell what the unseen, unheard person is saying, but the actor […]
Posted in: Columns
The End of Days, The End of Oprah
May 23, 2011
Lost in the all the hype over last week’s failed Rapture, was preacher Harold Camping’s very logical reasoning for believing the world would end this week. He hemmed and hawed when asked for specific biblical support, and I assume he was too embarrassed to cite the real reason the world may very well come to […]
Posted in: Columns
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