Our 7-year-old, The Fonz, told my wife with a sigh, “I’m not as cute as I used to be.” My wife assured him he was still very cute. He nodded to acknowledge the compliment, then sighed again, “But still not as cute as I used to be.” He seems awfully young to begin worrying about losing his looks. I assured him all boys had to transition from cute if they wanted to achieve handsomeness, but unfortunately, this transition period often comes at the cost of a few awkward looking or even ugly years. My pep talk didn’t seem to help.
…..
Three interesting facts about me:
1. I have a talent for mentioning my talents.
2. Some people can’t take a compliment. One of the greatest things about me is my ability to take a compliment from me.
3. One thing I’m really good at is never bragging. I’m probably the best at never bragging of anybody I know.
…..
Our 9-year-old, The Sequel, reads too much. On the weekends he sometimes reads eight hours a day. Last Saturday I forced him to watch TV for an hour before he was allowed to read anymore. When I returned a half hour later he seemed anxious. I quizzed him on the plot of the TV show, but his answers were vague. I pulled the couch apart and found a book he was hiding. Very disappointing.
He’s finally at a reading level where I can recommend some of my favorites. I recently handed him The Great Gatsby when he was going to bed and when I woke up the next morning he was finished. Yes I was impressed, but it’s important for parents to maintain an aura of superiority, so instead of complimenting him I criticized the two grammatical errors I found in his essay on the symbolism of the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock.
…..
Bad news for those of you cheering for my TV-watching robot, Philo T-2000: His head fell off this week.
Some suspect foul play. More level heads suspect one of my kids bumped into him during the night since he’s been set up in their room and blocking the closet for almost a month, and his head wasn’t attached to his body as much as balanced on his shoulders. Some people who I am married to and who are not robot experts have been predicting the possibility of a head-falling-off incident for many weeks. I personally suspect he self-destructed while watching reruns of According to Jim. I’m not sure of the exact episode, but I have it narrowed down to the 150 episodes when Jim forgets to do something that his wife told him was important.
…..
I wrote a one act play being performed here in Shanghai next week. I needed a pipe as a prop for one of the characters and while making the purchase, the salesman offered to throw in a bag of the long white items in the picture below.
I had no idea what they were and asked why a pipe smoker would need one. He answered, “For cleaning your pipe.”
Question: What do you use for cleaning a pipe?
Answer: Pipe cleaners.
It never occurred to me that pipe cleaners were used for cleaning these kinds of pipes. Kudos to the pipe cleaner industry for capturing the crafts market with such success that I never considered people might actually use them for cleaning pipes.
…..
Make sure and vote in this week’s caption contest. See the finalists here.
…..
If I had a dime for every dollar I ever borrowed, I’d be able to pay back 10% of the money I owe people.
The Good Greatsby 
Lenore Diane
May 29, 2011
Thank you for existing. Thanks to your wife for allowing you time to write. And finally, thanks to your kids, the one who is slowly becoming homily (perhaps before blossoming into Todd-like looks) and the one who is a villainous reader (hiding books between the cushions).
RIP Philo T-2000. Maybe pipe cleaners could help support his head?
The Good Greatsby
May 29, 2011
I’m working on repairing the Philo T-2000 right now. If I decide to build a T-3000, the use of pipe cleaners will be strongly considered.
Tori Nelson
May 29, 2011
Blowing my mind with the whole pipe-cleaners-made-to-clean-pipes bit. Who knew?
The Good Greatsby
May 29, 2011
Pretty amazing, right? I asked multiple people what you should use to clean a pipe and nobody answered “pipe cleaners”. It’s not just me.
Alaina Mabaso
May 29, 2011
Your seven-year-old is totally justified in his fears. This week I ran into an old friend who had her second baby last week. I cooed over the baby but barely spoke to the toddler, who is last year’s news. You could complete the real-world eclipse of his cuteness by getting a puppy and making him walk it.
I’m better off as a parent because I have only goldfish (since they spawned, I guess I’m a grandparent). But contrary to human children, I find the fry growing cuter as they grow from tiny alien tadpoles to tiny fish. I have been blogging about the significant milestones in their lives; I invite you to see their progress for yourself.
The Good Greatsby
May 29, 2011
Enjoy it while you can second baby. Some day you’ll be replaced as well.
Sidney
May 29, 2011
Please let The Fonz know that when he starts drinking, he’ll feel younger, thinner, wittier, and more handsome. It works for The Housewives of Orange County. And look at them!
Just look at them…
The Good Greatsby
May 29, 2011
I’m not quite sure he’s ready for the alcohol-makes-every-glass-half-full speech.
bridgesburning
May 29, 2011
Poor Philo T-2000. I am sure he can be resurrected??
When G1 fell and skinned his nose at 5 yr he asked me if his nose was bleeding..I said no, he then asked me if he was still handsome..I said…
Your reading machine progeny sounds like he is in danger of great knowledge, you may have to succumb.
You are the most Un bragging braggart I know..you are so lucky that we, your fans do it for you. At least those to whom you owe no money!
The Good Greatsby
May 29, 2011
I was really hoping my true fans would get the hint and understand I would appreciate a bit more bragging on my behalf.
Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom)
May 29, 2011
So the Fonz didn’t inherit #1 and #2 on your list?
The Good Greatsby
May 29, 2011
He certainly didn’t inherit #3.
Girly
May 29, 2011
First of all… I was expecting and actual salad and was disappointed that it was merely a metaphor.
And just a one act play? What, are you like, busy or something?
The Good Greatsby
May 29, 2011
I enjoyed a cracking greek salad today. Is there a better salad? When I imagine your disappointment when you thought the salad might be real I felt terrible because I was imaging that greek salad.
I am indeed pretty busy of late, but I hope to have a full length play performed in the next year.
Girly
May 29, 2011
stupid freaking typos… my comment sounds like I was pregnant and apparently prone to non-sequitors.
Bearman
May 29, 2011
It is a good thing the pipe cleaner people knew to tackle a new target market. Don’t see many people sporting the pipe anymore.
The Good Greatsby
May 29, 2011
I salute the pipe cleaner industry. They realized the pipe was on the way out and searched for new markets. Well done.
Renee Davies
May 29, 2011
I think Philo T-2000 is evolving, or maybe he’s just rejecting the pail for the head that gets him so many insults.
That’s a handsome pipe!
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
Philo T-2000 must be evolving if he could even understand insults. I created him to accept all criticism and bad TV with a smile.
limr
May 29, 2011
Okay, I admit…I knew about pipe cleaners. Don’t judge me!
(My father smoked a pipe when I was a little girl and I loved watching the whole ritual of cleaning, then filling and lighting the pipe.)
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
I can only remember seeing one person I knew smoke a pipe and I never saw him clean it.
gmomj
May 30, 2011
I thought pipe cleaners were a prop for psycho -therapists…okay pretend this is your Dad and this is you… you use them for pipes??? What kind of pipes? PVC?
Great Gatsby in one night??? Egads?
Get that child an X-Box poste haste!!!
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
Reading an occasional book is fine, but 4 to 5 a week will get you beat up if you can’t also talk about TV and video games.
MattJ
May 30, 2011
The line at the end about “If I had a dime…” Haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Have a question though; why did you nickname the first of your two kids “the sequel”?
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
He’s the 2.0 better version of me.
Laura
May 30, 2011
You’ve gotta admire the Philo T-2000’s spirit. His head has fallen off, and yet he’s still smiling.
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
I hope we can all smile in the face of our face being on the floor.
thoughtsappear
May 30, 2011
Poor Fonz… I feel his pain. I turn 30 next month, so I’m definitely not as cute as I used to be. Or even as cute as him. Maybe that will make him feel better.
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
I’ll try and tell him, but when you’re 7-years-old it’s hard to have that kind of long-term perspective.
spilledinkguy
May 30, 2011
NOOOooooooo! Robot down! Seriously, G.G., that could be a crime scene! Get out some chalk, draw an outline around that poor dude and rope the area off (it would be a shame if the evidence became contaminated)!
Congrats on the play, too! That is awesome! Will Vin Diesel be playing the lead?! Seriously, though, are you going to record a performance? Not that I’m hinting at anything… but… I guess I kinda’ am.
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
Right now there isn’t a role requiring a growling one word answer to every question, but if Vin Diesel were interested, I would try and work him into the play.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 30, 2011
I am so old that I know exactly what pipe cleaners are. Listen, tell Fonz that when he is really, really old (No, not like 14, more like 84) people will coo over him and tell him how cute he is.
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
I’m sure he’ll feel better to know his life will end in cuteness.
educlaytion
May 30, 2011
“Some people who I am married to and who are not robot experts…” Probably my fave line although the dig on According to Jim is also good. Then again, the kudos to pipe cleaners for grabbing the craft industry made me laugh audibly. lol I think they say.
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
I’m not naming names, but a certain person is awfully critical of her husband’s robot inventing for someone who has never created a robot.
Patricia
May 30, 2011
The Fonz must be cute, those who think they are cute really aren’t.
I know about the evolution of pipe cleaners…yes I am that old.
/, Sequel.
Looks like Philo T-2000 doesn’t need his head anyway…it’s empty.
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
He’ still a cute kid. I think he’s just realizing his cuteness isn’t helping him get away with things as much as it used to and he assumes he’s dropped off.
the master
May 30, 2011
Aw, pipe cleaners! That gave me a warm, nostalgic feeling. When I was a kid I used to make dinosaur skeletons out of them. They were pretty fly, I can assure you. Later I had the idea to make skin for them out of plasticine, then finally when I hit my teens I had the equally bright idea to make authentic internal organs to fill them out. At this stage my familt became worried, but my point is you can’t make diorama of an Allosaurus disembowling a Diplodocus without showing the guts.
I can’t find any shops that sell pipe cleaners any more. Damn anti-smoking laws.
PS: I don’t know if you have a third child already, but if not and you decide to have another may I suggest as a name Fonz III: Fonz Harder.
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
I don’t know if I have the emotional capacity to have another child after investing so much into Philo T-2000.
madtante
May 30, 2011
We pretty much unscrewed the bowl and tapped out the screen…oh, hang on. Wrong subject.
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
Yes, perhaps you’re thinking of a different product.
The Compulsive Writer
May 30, 2011
The Fonz? Love it.
Binky
May 30, 2011
One kid is losing his cuteness, and one kid reads too much. Well, at least you have your robot. Or had. Poor guy.
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
I was focusing all my energy on Philo T-2000. Now I guess I’ll have more time to fix my children.
K.
May 30, 2011
How are your son’s high school English teachers going to bore him to tears if he’s already read and enjoyed “The Great Gatsby”? Make sure you don’t give him a copy of Toni Morrison’s “Jazz” until he’s old enough to not appreciate it.
Paige Kellerman
May 30, 2011
I actually gave Husband a pipe that looks exactly like that…
I, too, was shocked that pipe cleaners were used for pipes, the same way I’m still baffled that pop sickle sticks aren’t strictly made for replicas of Abraham Lincoln’s cabin..
Piper Bayard
May 30, 2011
Cool! You and I have the same interesting things in common. And yes, I knew exactly what piper cleaners were. 🙂 Hope your play goes well.
territerri
May 30, 2011
You’ve just made me realize what a good parent I’ve been! My 20 year old can watch television for hours on end! And I can only surmise that video game talent is another sign of good parenting. I recently got up at 4:30 in the morning to find him playing XBox online against someone in Canada. Clearly he had been up all night long! That’s endurance! That’s good parenting!
Good for you for keeping your book-reading child in check. We can’t have kids becoming book-reading zombies. What kind of world will this become if we don’t promote a society of adults who can be proficient in According to Jim trivia?
savesprinkles1234
May 31, 2011
Will a pipe cleaner work on a corn-cob pipe, or only on the fancy schmancy ones like you have?
writerwoman61
June 2, 2011
Loved this post, Paul!
I wish I had a kid that read too much…
Sorry about your robot…will there be a funeral for him? Perhaps I’ll Fedex some WD-40…
I didn’t know you were in Shanghai…I met a man from Shanghai about four years ago…he told me how crowded and polluted it was there. He was happy to be in our little metro area of 100,000 with only one oil refinery, a couple of paper mills, and a brewery!
Congrats on the play…beautiful pipe! Like Renée, I’m old enough to know what pipe cleaners were! Are you acting in the play as well?
Wendy