The End of Days, The End of Oprah

Posted on May 23, 2011


Lost in the all the hype over last week’s failed Rapture, was preacher Harold Camping’s very logical reasoning for believing the world would end this week.  He hemmed and hawed when asked for specific biblical support, and I assume he was too embarrassed to cite the real reason the world may very well come to an end: The Oprah Winfrey show is ending this week, and for many people this will be worse than the end of days.  I for one do not want to be Raptured if Oprah won’t be there to tell me how to feel about being Raptured, and to tell me the best way to enjoy a Rapture is with Beecher’s World’s Best Macaroni and Cheese.  (And we’re all getting some!  You’re getting Beecher’s Macaroni and Cheese!  I’m getting Beecher’s Macaroni and Cheese!  We’re all getting Beecher’s Macaroni and Cheese!)

The Oprah Winfrey Show will wrap this week after 25 years of cultural influence and has provided Oprah with a platform to achieve near sainthood in the eyes of many.  If you haven’t heard of Oprah Winfrey, you probably aren’t even reading this because you’re the type of person who hasn’t heard of things like the Internet.  If this is your first day Internetting, allow me to provide a basic Oprah primer.  Can you pick the lie from the following facts?

A. Oprah is an American woman just like you and me as long as you are an American woman and very, very, very rich.

Oprah and I wanted different things. I wanted our pre-nup to give me 90% of her fortune even if I decided not to marry her. She only wanted to give me 80%, and she wanted me to stop heckling her during shows.

B. Oprah is worth 2.6 billion dollars.

C. Oprah is more influential than the US president.  (This is purely subjective, but when she visits the White House, why does he get her coffee?)

D. Oprah dated Roger Ebert. (It’s unclear who gave who two thumbs down.)

E. Oprah dated me.  I don’t want to talk about it.

F. If aliens are spying on us, they are likely to determine Oprah is our prophet.

If you guessed B you are correct.  Oprah is actually worth 2.7 billion, not 2.6.

I greet the end of Oprah with mixed emotions: on one hand I’m terribly disappointed Oprah never gave me anything for free–not a car, not a commemorative Oprah watch, not even a sandwich.  (Well, actually she gave me one sandwich but she had already taken two bites and also the bread was dry.)  On the other hand, I can’t think of any other emotions than the first, so I can’t rightfully call one emotion mixed emotions, although I am starting to feel hungry after all this talk about sandwiches.

The final Oprah Winfrey Show will air in the US on Wednesday, and the media is abuzz with speculation over the final guests, segments, and giveaways.  Las Vegas is taking bets and offering the following fixed-odds:

2/1 – Oprah will marry her boyfriend of 25+ years, Stedman Graham, during a wedding ceremony officiated by Tom Cruise.
100/1 – Oprah will marry Tom Cruise in a wedding ceremony officiated by Stedman Graham.

That couch had one day left until retirement.

1000/1 – Oprah will officiate the wedding ceremony of Tom Cruise and Stedman Graham.

1/1 – John Travolta will appear to promote his new movie.
1000/1 – John Travolta will appear to promote his new good movie.

2/1 – Arnold Schwarzenegger will appear and confess to fathering another illegitimate child.
1000/1 – Arnold Schwarzenegger will appear and confess fathering an illegitimate child with Oprah.

100/1 – Oprah will reveal she and her best friend Gayle King are the same person after questions arise why the two of them have never been photographed together.  (My wife checked on this and actually found hundreds of photos of them together so maybe this isn’t the safest bet.)

Vegas is also banking on Oprah using the final show to make some shocking confessions:

50/1 – Oprah broke up the Beatles.

100/1 – Oprah was the other woman alluded to by Princess Diana as the cause of her marriage difficulties with Prince Charles.

100/1 – Oprah wrote the song Friday and selected Rebecca Black to perform it.

50/1 – Oprah introduced Britney Spears to Kevin Federline.

10/1 – Oprah’s annual Favorite Things giveaway segment was meant to be ironic.  She actually hated all of those things–that’s why she gave them away.


100/1 – Oprah will announce as her final Favorite Thing.  I’ll jump up and down and call my mom before Oprah confesses all of her Favorite Things were meant to be ironic things she hates.

Posted in: Columns