How to Out-stalk a Stalker

If you suspect you’ve attracted a stalker, you can try and get a restraining order and take a chance he’ll be scared off, but TV has taught me you’re just as likely to provoke him to new levels of stalkerdom.  Instead of letting him know you’re worried, why not stalk him back and scare him away by convincing him you’re even crazier than he is?

1. Ask him why he only stalks you at your home.  “Why don’t you ever stalk me out anymore?  You never stalk me to a fancy restaurant, or antiquing, or to see a play.  Every night we sit at home watching TV with me on the couch and you watching through the window.  Are you ashamed to be seen stalking me?”

2. When he throws a rock through your window, be ready with your own rock to immediately throw back in his direction.  Attached to your rock is a note saying, “Thanks for the lovely rock.  I wanted you to have one of mine in return.”

Thanks for the lovely rock.

3. Tell him your parents are in town and they really want to meet this special stalker you keep talking about.  “I’ve told them so much about what an amazing stalker I have.”

4. If the threat of meeting the parents doesn’t scare him off, hire a couple actors to play your mom and dad.  Hire Steve Buscemi to play your flirtatious mother who will likely come live with you before long.  Make yourself very clear that if he’s going to kidnap you, you expect him to kidnap your mother as well.

5. Have the actor playing your dad grill the stalker with questions about how many other girls he’s stalked and whether he’s ready to settle down and only stalk one girl for the rest of his life.

6. Ask your stalker to define the relationship because you need to know whether he could see the stalking leading to something more serious like marriage or at least a kidnapping.  If he hesitates tell him you really need to have a marriage date in mind so you can reserve the Wiccan Wedding Circle and arrange the paperwork for the ritual blood transfer.

7. Tell him you want children right away–at least 7 or 13 witches and warlocks.

8. Get possessive.  “I waited all night for you to call and hang up!  What were you doing all night?  Are you stalking someone else?”

You in 20 years?

9. Send him a lock of hair after dousing it in the cologne worn by the security guard who manages the gate at your apartment complex.  His emotions will confuse him every time he smells the guard as he’s wrestled to the ground.

10. Open up and tell him your dream of writing a book.  When he asks what you would write about, tell him you’ve always wanted to write about a woman who tricks a man into stalking her and then killing himself.