I Wonder If Any Celebrities Are Thinking About Me Right Now

May 20, 2013

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The other day I was watching the special features on a DVD of the TV show How I Met Your Mother, and each member of the cast commented on how the other cast members had begun to feel like a family. And I wondered how this made those celebrities’ real families feel. And I wonder […]

Posted in: Columns

Dear Parents of Our Son’s Best Friend: Did You Hear Your Son Called Us the Coolest Parents?

May 2, 2013

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Dear Parents of My Son’s Best Friend, As you may have heard, your son was visiting our home last week when he told our son, “You have the coolest parents.” If you hadn’t heard this news yet, maybe you should check your texts more often because I’ve sent you like twenty. This must be a […]

Posted in: Family

The Fonz Celebrates His Birthday by Pausing for Breath

April 29, 2013

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My youngest son The Fonz recently celebrated his ninth birthday. The last year witnessed him achieving numerous milestones such as working up the nerve to ask his crush’s name then forgetting it immediately; going an entire week without putting any of his clothes on backwards; and for the first time pausing for breath and giving […]

Posted in: Family

When I Become Famous: The First 24 Hours

April 10, 2013

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As a kid I never dreamed of being famous. Instead, I dreamed of having a friend who was famous and then telling that person what to do. I wouldn’t want to be famous myself because once I became famous I assume people would look at me with certain expectations, like a famous person should be […]

Posted in: Columns

Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3: Please Don’t Suck

March 29, 2013

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Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3, Please don’t suck. I’ve been let down by television before, and I don’t think I could bear getting hurt again. Lately, I’ve felt television has been taking advantage of our relationship, violating our agreement that it would provide me with mindless escapism in exchange for me ignoring my family […]

Posted in: Love Letters

‘Are You Going Out Tonight?’ My Kids Ask Hopefully

March 26, 2013

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I often wear earplugs when writing in my office, and when I come out I’ve learned I can leave the earplugs in and still understand what the children are saying, because they’re invariably asking one of two questions: ‘Are you going out tonight?’ and ‘What time will you be home?’ I was a kid once, […]

Posted in: Family

That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles

March 8, 2013

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A South Carolina man was charged with stealing $19,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, or 450 cases. Police were able to apprehend the man after asking the public to be on the lookout for anyone exhibiting any suspicious behavior, like gaining two hundred pounds in a day. Parents may want to clip this article to […]

Posted in: Uncategorized

Dream a Little Dream for Me…Or Else

March 1, 2013

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My 11-year-old recently asked me, “When I was little did you have any dreams for what you wanted me to be when I grew up?” I thought about his question for a moment before answering, “I always dreamed you’d grow up to be the president’s son.” There are still so many things I want to […]

Posted in: Family

The Art of Excuses: Lesson 1

February 22, 2013

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If January is the time for setting New Year’s resolutions, February is the time for spinning our failure to reach those resolutions. All February long people keep asking you about January’s public proclamation to lose weight, write a book, or stop making public proclamations. Now is the time for excuses. If you’re an excuse rookie […]

Posted in: Columns

It Takes Two to Tangle

February 13, 2013

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When people ask me what’s the best part of being a parent, I answer, ‘Mind your own business.’ I prefer to avoid parenting conversations because I don’t want to admit the thing I like best about my two children is all the excuses they provide. ‘I wish we could help you move, but we don’t […]

Posted in: Family

Thank You for Inviting Us to Dinner: Please Be Aware of the Following Dietary Restrictions

January 30, 2013

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Thank you again for your gracious dinner invitation. My family and I look forward to attending tomorrow. As I mentioned on the phone my family has a few small dietary restrictions you should be aware of when preparing your menu. We’re vegetarians. Mostly. We’ll only eat meat under extraordinary circumstances. Like revenge. All dairy is […]

Posted in: Family

Sad News for Boring Romantics

January 18, 2013

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A couple who met on Facebook after realizing they shared the same name, Kelly Hildebrandt, have decided to divorce after three years of marriage, as reported by news organizations all over the world. Discouraged couples everywhere are asking themselves the same question: If a couple who based their marriage on having the same name can’t […]

Posted in: Columns