As a kid I never dreamed of being famous. Instead, I dreamed of having a friend who was famous and then telling that person what to do. I wouldn’t want to be famous myself because once I became famous I assume people would look at me with certain expectations, like a famous person should be wearing pants. And a clean shirt. And should know where his kids are.
The only time I think about being famous is when I see Vin Diesel and realize I’m setting a bad example for my kids if I let Vin Diesel be more famous than I am. I just know my kids ask themselves, ‘What kind of a world do we live in if a guy like Vin Diesel is more famous than Dad?’
Sooner or later I’ll get around to being famous, maybe after the current season of Game of Thrones is over and I don’t have anything else to do for ten months. And because I assume fame will strike sooner or later, I regularly update an itinerary for my first 24 hours as a famous person because I want to make sure I’m not slow out of the gate.
8:00am: Call all ex-girlfriends.
‘Hi, Zooey, how have you been?’
‘Hi, Paul, so good to hear from you.’
‘Sorry, gotta go. No time to talk. I’m too busy being famous.’
‘But you called me.’
11:00am: Just in case the media scours my Facebook page, hire a Photoshop expert to fix all my friends’ bad teeth.
2:00pm: Hire a carpenter to add six inches to my dining room chair because it won’t seem right for my non-famous kids to sit at my same height. The sting of inequality will spur them on to greatness. Probably.
5:00pm: Settle an old score with horses by buying Seabiscuit and punching him in the face. If Seabiscuit is a girl, punch her jockey in the face. If Seabiscuit is dead, go to see that play War Horse, sit on the front row, and talk on my cellphone the whole time.
8:00pm: Call Mom and tell her I’m coming to the family reunion after all. Make sure everyone who ever doubted me will be in attendance. Also make clear I don’t want any nieces or nephews touching me. Also make sure we’re having apple pie. (Note to self: Find Mom’s phone number.)
11:00pm: Register to vote in the secret celebrity election that chooses who gets to run for President.
2:ooam: Send a list of my seating preferences to all major award ceremonies like the Oscars, Emmys, and Pulitzers. Item #1: I will not sit next to Vin Diesel. The one exception is if we’re at a ceremony celebrating the retirement of Vin Diesel.
5:00am: Start reading the news so if I’m interviewed and the topic turns to current events I won’t sound stupid. (Note to self: Find out whatever happened with that 9/11 thing.)