The Art of Excuses: Lesson 1

Posted on February 22, 2013


If January is the time for setting New Year’s resolutions, February is the time for spinning our failure to reach those resolutions. All February long people keep asking you about January’s public proclamation to lose weight, write a book, or stop making public proclamations. Now is the time for excuses.

If you’re an excuse rookie you may assume one excuse is as good as another, but you quickly learn some excuses are more sympathetic than others. In hopes of assisting you in creating your excuse, I’ve offered some examples of excuses ranked from most to least sympathetic.

Most sympathetic: I just learned I have cancer.
Less sympathetic: I just learned about cancer.
Least sympathetic: I just learned to spell cancer.

I lost my job.
I lost my keys.
I lost at Boggle.

There was a death in the family.
There was a death in my wife’s family.
There was a death in Downton Abbey.

I know I said I was going to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro, but…
It’s too expensive.
It’s too tall.
It’s too hard to find on a map.

I know this was going to be the year I finally learned how to use email, but…
My computer got a virus.
My computer got Angry Birds.
My computer got herpes.

I have worms.
I feared opening a can of worms.
I wanted to go fishing but couldn’t find any worms.

My wife left me.
My wife left me a list of chores.
My wife left me a cold dinner in the microwave.

I was going to paint the house, but…
I ran out of money.
I ran out of ambition.
I ran out of mayonnaise.

I didn’t have the time.
I can’t tell time.
Don’t you love that song ‘Time after Time’?

I know I said this was the year I would read War and Peace, but there was…
Too much war.
Too much peace.
Too much good stuff on TV.

Posted in: Columns