If January is the time for setting New Year’s resolutions, February is the time for spinning our failure to reach those resolutions. All February long people keep asking you about January’s public proclamation to lose weight, write a book, or stop making public proclamations. Now is the time for excuses.
If you’re an excuse rookie you may assume one excuse is as good as another, but you quickly learn some excuses are more sympathetic than others. In hopes of assisting you in creating your excuse, I’ve offered some examples of excuses ranked from most to least sympathetic.
Most sympathetic: I just learned I have cancer.
Less sympathetic: I just learned about cancer.
Least sympathetic: I just learned to spell cancer.
I lost my job.
I lost my keys.
I lost at Boggle.
There was a death in the family.
There was a death in my wife’s family.
There was a death in Downton Abbey.
I know I said I was going to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro, but…
It’s too expensive.
It’s too tall.
It’s too hard to find on a map.
I know this was going to be the year I finally learned how to use email, but…
My computer got a virus.
My computer got Angry Birds.
My computer got herpes.
I have worms.
I feared opening a can of worms.
I wanted to go fishing but couldn’t find any worms.
My wife left me.
My wife left me a list of chores.
My wife left me a cold dinner in the microwave.
I was going to paint the house, but…
I ran out of money.
I ran out of ambition.
I ran out of mayonnaise.
I didn’t have the time.
I can’t tell time.
Don’t you love that song ‘Time after Time’?
I know I said this was the year I would read War and Peace, but there was…
Too much war.
Too much peace.
Too much good stuff on TV.
The Good Greatsby 
becomingcliche
February 22, 2013
I strongly disagree. A death on Downton Abbey elicits more sympathy than you might think.
Hippie Cahier
February 22, 2013
Spolier alert: I still haven’t seen Downton Abbey. I gather there was a death?
I keep meaning to watch it, but I’m trying to learn how to spell Kiliminjaro.
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2013
I quickly double-checked to make sure I’d spelled it right.
becomingcliche
February 22, 2013
I have not seen any episodes this season and have tried to avoid all spoilers. Which is like avoiding bugs on the interstate in Florida.
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2013
I haven’t watched any episodes since somewhere in the first season but I like to pretend to be an insider.
dianasschwenk
February 22, 2013
I avoid the whole excuse thing by not making resolutions (at least not making public proclamations) 😉
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2013
I always warn my kids about the dangers of dreaming.
JM Randolph
February 22, 2013
My computer totally has herpes. I hear up to 30 percent of computers may have it and not even know!
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2013
I’m going to reference you as a source when I spread that statistic.
mistyslaws
February 22, 2013
My new tactic is just to own it. So recently I have been heard to proclaim things like, “It’s all insulation for the winter,” or “those aren’t love handles, their lovin’ handles ;)” and finally, “F*ck it, I’m fat.”
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2013
That sounds like a good start on a post.
angelajardine
February 22, 2013
I was going to make resolutions in Jan but
I was helping a friend sober up
I offered to help a friend sober up
I didn’t sober up in time
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2013
Your heart was in the right place, even if your liver wasn’t.
collzorgs
February 22, 2013
I laughed so hard!
Jackie Cangro
February 22, 2013
I see universities everywhere offering this course: a Ph.D. in Excuseology.
You could be the professor emeritus, though you’d probably have a good excuse of why you’d missed class. 🙂
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2013
If I’ve done my job well, the class will see right through my excuses for never showing up to teach them the art of excuses.
Laura
February 24, 2013
And anyone who shows up for the final exam automatically fails.
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2013
Brilliant.
Audrey
February 22, 2013
Running out of mayonnaise really is the worst! Nobody appreciates the importance of condiments anymore… It’s tragic really, and more tragic still that no one sympathizes.
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2013
Some would have you believe there are bigger problems in the world than condiment shortage. I’ll try and think what those problems might be as I eat another spoonful of mayonnaise.
susielindau
February 22, 2013
You should at least get points for creativity. I am using last year’s list and have escaped ridicule since most don’t remember my proclamations! Whew!
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2013
As long as you always set a goal to evade questions about your failed resolutions, you’ll always reach at least one goal.
susielindau
February 23, 2013
Good point!
She's a Maineiac
February 23, 2013
But really, too much peace can’t be good for any book or TV show. Too much mayo, on the other hand, is always good!
The Good Greatsby
February 23, 2013
War and Peace and Mayo might have been an interesting premise for a book.
She's a Maineiac
February 23, 2013
God, I’d read the hell outta that book.
Grass Oil by Molly Field
February 23, 2013
This was fun! I wrote about Downton Abbey this week. I didn’t want to, but they killed off ______ and I was miffed. By George. If they kill off Professor McGonegal, I’m right out.
The Good Greatsby
February 23, 2013
I haven’t made it to season 3 yet but when I heard who got killed it made me lose interest in watching any more episodes.
Grass Oil by Molly Field
February 23, 2013
Smart move. I’m going to watch The Walking Dead now. At least I will know who dies.
aparnauteur
February 23, 2013
I decided not to have any resolutions this year but,
My boyfriend had one
My friends each had one
Justin Bieber had one
The Good Greatsby
February 23, 2013
And you’ve probably learned people don’t find Justin Bieber to be a sympathetic addition to an excuse.
aparnauteur
February 24, 2013
Well, I thought that Obama mercilessly dethroning him on Klout would generate some semblance of sympathy, but apparently not!
Michelle Gillies
February 23, 2013
Wow! I didn’t realize how much I had it made on the excuse scale. I had the top three excuses for the first three on the list. It seems to me I could have gotten away with pretty much anything I wanted. I need an excuse “do over”. 😉
The Good Greatsby
February 23, 2013
I’d like to say congratulations on your excuse success but I hope none of those things really happened.
Michelle Gillies
February 24, 2013
Oh, yes, they all happened. Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m guessing you haven’t read any of my posts as it is all common knowledge and stuff that gets mentioned … a lot. Anyway, I’m good. It’s all good. Was going for the humour in it.
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2013
Sorry for not being up on the posts. I was on vacation for a month and tried to stay away from the Internet. I’ve been slowly catching up.
T E Stazyk
February 25, 2013
Sounds like an excuse to me . . .
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2013
Well-played.
1pointperspective
February 23, 2013
I’ve never seen Downton Abbey, but in the spirit of curmudgeon-ness, I posted on Facebook and Twitter my version of a spoiler alert, naming Colonel Mustard as the murderer and a tube sock filled with billiard balls as his weapon of choice. I was widely criticized and berated by friends and total strangers alike. Apparently I guessed correctly?
pegoleg
February 23, 2013
Clue did away with the tube sock billed with billiard balls as a weapon in an effort to modernize the game. They’re going with a flat-iron.
1pointperspective
February 23, 2013
They’ll regret that decision one day, as they stand there looking pathetic in their wrinkled tube socks,
The Good Greatsby
February 23, 2013
I think Clue made the change in response to complaints that the billiard balls were stretching out the socks. Kill a man with a flat-iron once and it can still be used again; kill a man with a sock full of billiard balls and the sock loses all elasticity. It seems modern sock technology would have evolved to fix this problem.
The Good Greatsby
February 23, 2013
I would have watched more episodes if I knew the show had a billiards storyline.
pegoleg
February 23, 2013
Since this is The Art of Excuses: Lesson 1, do we take it there will be more lessons? Unless, of course, something unforeseen keeps you from fulfilling that resolution.
The Good Greatsby
February 23, 2013
I have more lessons in mind because I have so much wisdom to share, but I also have a few excuses planned in case I never get around to it.
T E Stazyk
February 23, 2013
I was going to climb Kilimanjaro but then I heard that Hemingway made up that whole thing about the frozen leopard at the summit so I figured why bother.
The Good Greatsby
February 23, 2013
Did he also make up there being snows on Kilimanjaro?
T E Stazyk
February 23, 2013
Yeah, the who thing.
k8edid
February 24, 2013
I was going to read War and Peace, and climb Kilimanjaro, and paint the house but decided to write a novel “Kill A Man Jar-o-Mayo”. Look for it soon-ish.
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2013
That sounds like a million-dollar idea. Don’t be surprised if I write it first.
k8edid
February 25, 2013
Thievery is the highest form of…flattery?
thegirlwhofelldown
February 24, 2013
Most sympathetic: I just learned I have cancer.
Less sympathetic: I just learned about cancer.
Least sympathetic: I just learned to spell cancer.
You are AMAZING.
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2013
That’s what my wife says, every time I beg her to say it.
monicastangledweb
February 24, 2013
So many excuses, so little time. Is there any penalty for using them all at once? Yeah, that’s the ticket! 😉
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2013
I think using them all at the same time might be even more effective. If you rattle off one excuse after another I assume the questioner will eventually give up and back away.
Chase McFadden
February 24, 2013
Having worms may be a win for individuals with weight loss resolutions.
The Good Greatsby
February 25, 2013
I think that’s the definitive glass-half-full way of looking at it.
desireepurvis
February 25, 2013
You’ve been nominated for being an inspriational blogger!
http://desireepurvis.wordpress.com/2013/02/25/you-win-again/
The Good Greatsby
February 26, 2013
You’ve inspired me to spend the rest of the day being as inspirational as possible.
desireepurvis
February 26, 2013
Hahaha! Well at least I was good for something!
zannyro
February 26, 2013
You had to say it…you just had to say, ” a death on Downton Abbey”…just when I was starting to feel strong enough the leave the house again….
spilledinkguy
February 28, 2013
I stood on a copy of ‘War and Peace’ once.
Only a few feet shorter than Kilimanjaro.
The Guat
March 2, 2013
Duuuuuuuuuuuude. These are all awesome excuses that got me laughing. I usually narrow it down and tell you my favorite but these were all too good. The one about your wife leaving you cold dinner in the microwave was hilarious. Reminded me of a scene in Thelma and Louise. I might use one of these in the future.
Bridgesburning Chris King
March 7, 2013
You save me so much time in finding excuses. I just use your list with proper credit due of course!
Tania
April 2, 2013
Your posts are so funny! Thanks for sharing 🙂
mbaignoire
May 24, 2013
I didn’t have the time.
I can’t tell time.
Don’t you love that song ‘Time after Time’? <—- Sheer brilliance here. Now I'm sad we speak Lithuanian in my country, because the translated excuse will just not cut it. Sigh.
lyricallumy
July 4, 2013
I personally would be thrilled if my computer got Angry Birds, my phone already has it after all. Now herpes, that wouldn’t be surprising, my computer does get around. lol