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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Sunday Casserole
When I learned global warming would cause ocean levels to rise six feet I got pretty scared. But I decided to look on the bright side and bought soon-to-be beachfront property at six feet above sea level. In 20 to 100 years I’m going to be gob-smackingly rich! ….. This is your last chance to […]
Posted in: Columns
Cloudy with a Chance of Rapture
May 21, 2011
I have a small electronic weather station on my desk, and this morning I was surprised to find the following forecast: Partly cloudy, 20% chance of rain, 10% chance of Rapture You’ve probably heard of the Christian preacher who predicted the Rapture would come today, May 21st. If you’re not familiar with the Rapture, you […]
Posted in: Columns
Can You Be Considered a Success if You’re not Wearing Pants?
May 20, 2011
People ask me how I find time to write this blog every day, and I have to pause and consider whether I truly have “found time” to write this blog every day if I’m writing it while not wearing pants. I’m certain I put on pants when I got out of bed this morning–or maybe […]
Posted in: Columns
Situations When I Will or Will Not Feel Sorry for You
May 19, 2011
Sometimes you get mad at someone, a someone who probably deserves it–like my friend Todd for instance–and after Todd leaves the room my wife whispers, “Today is Todd’s birthday.” Everyone shakes their heads, and I look like a jerk because I got mad at Todd on his special day. Tough luck, Todd! If he had […]
Posted in: Columns
A Letter to Donald Trump from the Rich People Conspiracy
May 18, 2011
Dear Donald Trump, It pains me to write this letter, old chum, especially after the top notch weekend we spent throwing champagne bottles at poor people in Central Park and paying homeless men to kiss, but the vast Rich People Conspiracy asked me to express our concerns. Here’s the predicament, old bean: You’re embarrassing all […]
Posted in: Columns
Godmother Gaga
May 17, 2011
Did you hear Elton John and husband David Furnish recently adopted a son, Zachary? And did you hear they named Lady Gaga as the baby’s godmother? And did you hear twenty years from now Zachary is in jail? I don’t want to put words in anybody’s mouth, but I believe I can safely say, “Great […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Unromantic Gestures
May 16, 2011
One of my favorite memories of my wife occurred when we were driving back from a weekend vacation in Dresden while living in another part of Germany. We shared the drive together with three German friends, and the friend sitting next to my wife got a phone call from her boyfriend and they conversed for […]
Posted in: Family
Charmed, I’m Sure
May 15, 2011
Did you miss my performance as Sebastian in the recent production of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night? If so, let me be the first to mention I did not receive a single negative review. I didn’t receive a single positive review either, but who’s counting? Besides my wife. There were six reviews in local magazines and entertainment […]
Posted in: Columns
See you in hell, printer!
May 14, 2011
Yesterday I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams and threw my printer out the window. All my life I’ve wanted to toss a printer out the window as a lesson and a warning to other printers: I will no longer put up with your blinking lights, paper jams, misaligned printing, and constant requests for new […]
Posted in: Columns
You just got Houdini’ed!
May 13, 2011
I woke up this Friday the 13th haunted by the image of Harry Houdini. Before you look at the picture below, I must warn you there is a very good chance you will be entranced by Houdini’s hypnotic eyes, and it’s possible you won’t be able to look away–ever! This drawing was created by SpilledInkGuy […]
Posted in: Columns
Leaving on a Low Note
May 12, 2011
This past week I’ve been thinking a lot about endings in life, and the following three proverbs came to mind: All good things must come to an end. All’s well that ends well. Todd took a fourth piece of pizza even though some people haven’t had any pizza yet. I realize the third proverb may […]
Posted in: Columns
The Blindest Blind Date
May 11, 2011
We’ve all made the mistake of setting up friends on a blind date. You know two single people, you think they would be perfect for each other because they have so much in common–for example, both of them are extremely lonely–and you suggest arranging a blind date to throw the two lonely hearts together. What’s […]
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