Sometimes you get mad at someone, a someone who probably deserves it–like my friend Todd for instance–and after Todd leaves the room my wife whispers, “Today is Todd’s birthday.” Everyone shakes their heads, and I look like a jerk because I got mad at Todd on his special day.
Tough luck, Todd! If he had it coming, a birthday shouldn’t let him off the hook because everybody gets a birthday–Todd did nothing out of the ordinary to deserve one so I’m not going to treat him any differently.
If I had to fire somebody, and I told my secretary to call him in to my office, and she whispered, “Today is Todd’s birthday,” I wouldn’t hesitate to fire him unless he was very popular in the office and firing him on his birthday would make everybody else hate me. On the other hand, if Todd was disliked–maybe because he was very touchy with the female employees or even worse, a Yankees fan–I might actually win extra points with the rest of the staff by firing him on his birthday above any other day.
Allow me to provide some guidelines for whether I will or will not feel sorry for you according to what my secretary whispers:
Maybe: His girlfriend left him today.
Yes: His wife left him today.
No: Your wife left him today.
Maybe: He’s dying. The doctors say he only has fifteen years to live.
Yes: He’s dying right now. He just collapsed on the floor and is grabbing his chest. Should I call an ambulance or tell him you want to see him?
No: He’s been dead for six months.
Maybe: He brought you a present this morning.
Yes: He brought you an expensive present this morning.
No: He brought you the same present you gave him for Christmas.
Maybe: Tomorrow she’s going to the doctor to learn if she needs an operation.
Yes: Tomorrow she’s going in for an operation.
No:Tomorrow she’s playing the game Operation.
Yes.
Maybe: She’s going through a hard time right now.
Yes: She’s doing hard time right now.
No: She’s having a hard time telling time right now.
Maybe: He just finished rehab.
Yes: He just finished rehab. Also his wife just finished rehab. Also his kids just finished rehab. Also his pets just finished rehab.
No: He just finished watching Doctor Drew’s show Celebrity Rehab.
Maybe: His car got stolen.
Yes: He got in a car accident.
No: He got in a car accident while stealing your car.
Maybe: His aunt died.
Yes: His very, very attractive aunt died.
No: Aunt Vivian from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air died.
Maybe: He’s celebrating a holy day for the new religion he created.
Yes: He’s celebrating a holy day for his new religion which considers you a deity.
No: He’s celebrating a holy day for his new religion which considers you the Devil.
No.
Maybe: He and his wife are separating.
Yes: He and his conjoined-twin are separating.
No: He and his salsa partner are separating.
Maybe: He served in the war.
Yes: He served in the war and was a war hero.
No: During the war he served hero sandwiches. To the enemy.
The Good Greatsby 
ryoko861
May 19, 2011
OH god, you’re too funny!
(whoa whoa, easy on the Yankee fan remarks-they may be doing lousy right now but they have been known to rally back and KICK ASS).
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I never count them out. I don’t want the Yankees to do terrible. I want them to do well and then just barely miss the playoffs.
Annie
May 19, 2011
I can’t stop laughing. I think I’ll post these guidelines on my fridge for future reference.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
Great idea. It’s alright with me if you print all my posts and put them on your fridge.
Surrey gal
May 19, 2011
You are a very compassionate person! Toughen up! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
You’re right. I’m too kind. I need to stop allowing so many exceptions for showing my humanity.
Brown Road Chronicles
May 19, 2011
Not to totally disregard this incredibly funny post… but until now I had never noticed how fat the guy in the operation game is. I think in future versions they need to have a little slot labeled liposuction and inside would be this little gob of gooey fat. How cool would that be?
pegoleg
May 19, 2011
Great idea! Make this game relevant for today. Maybe add breast and penile implants, nose jobs, teeth capping..
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I think that’s probably a much more common operation than pulling out his adam’s apple.
Sandi Ormsby
May 20, 2011
Ewww! Ha! I never noticed his large body, just the huge Rudolph the Reindeer nose. And the really bad hair.
Sandi
Bearman
May 19, 2011
I he was dead six months the one I feel sorry for is you for not having the balls to figure him 5 months and 29 days ago.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I’m a busy man. I don’t have time to remember who’s dead and who isn’t.
Byron MacLymont
May 19, 2011
Oh no! Not Aunt Vivian from Fresh Prince!!?? Cancel my appointments! Get that damn flag to half-mast!
Awesome post. Very sharp.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I’m not sure if it was the first Aunt Vivian or the second Aunt Vivian. I was probably more partial to the second.
the master
May 23, 2011
The second Aunt Vivian was (marginally) sexier, but I thought the first was a better actress. Plus, she didn’t take shit from nobody. Either way, I’d appreciate clarification on this matter.
PS: I thought you’d ditched Todd, so to speak. What gives? Did you find you missed him, or you just missed abusing him?
Renee Davies
May 19, 2011
*I don’t feel sorry for you for being able to crank out genuinely witty stuff on a daily basis
*I might feel sorry for you if you couldn’t spell very well.
*I’d feel very sorry for you if you could not only not spell, but suffered a severe bout of Tourette’s…manifested in your writing even
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I can’t tell if you’re complimenting or wishing me ill will.
madtante
May 19, 2011
I love this piece not just cos it’s great, which it is but cos it’s great COS it’s true! Everybody has these sliding scales of “compassion.”
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
We all get a birthday. Tell me something that you actually earned and then I’ll try and muster some compassion.
Spectra
May 19, 2011
Well, you know, this post is histerically funny, and all, but you were LATE posting it, according to my watch…. I thought you were a ‘no show’ today, and felt compelled to write you an Open Letter on my blog.
Glad you got your act together. Finaly.
– Spectra
P.S. I’m going to the Jersey Shore this weekend with friends, and one actually bought the game ‘Operation’ for our rainy day… I am SOOO going to put a little piece of jiggly fat in there, as per Brown Road’s suggestion.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I’m so flattered that you would notice I posted a little late. I spent five hours in the car today. I’m tired. I need to shower. And I still posted. Give me a tiny tip of your invisible hat.
Spectra
May 20, 2011
Well, alright… guess I should show some compassion, since today’s post is so instructional in this area.
japecake
May 19, 2011
Let me be the first to say: Butterfingers!
Amy
May 19, 2011
Dammit!! Stole it from me!
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
You’re never invited to play Operation with me again.
bridgesburning
May 19, 2011
it is inhuman that one man can be so hilarious every time. fess up are you extraterrestrial or just super human? Did your wife marry an alien??
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
You are too kind–that’s what you humans say in response to a compliment, right?
Rachael Black
May 19, 2011
Great post!
As a misanthrope someone’s birthday is the only time I can use my powers for evil and really feel good about myself.
Enjoyed the Yankees comment by the way. My ex-husband (the first one) loved the Yankees. I, on the other hand, took great enjoyment convincing him that it was quicker to get to Queens on the F Train to see the Mets.
After all, who the hell wants to visit the Bronx? A borough only a Yankees fan could love.
Did I mention ex-husband?
Once I actually did forget his birthday. Can only hope that this incident helped.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I was really hoping I didn’t have any Yankees fans who would be hurt by my comment. I didn’t want to alienate anybody, but I couldn’t hold back my disdain any longer.
annabachinsky
May 19, 2011
Awesome post!! Thanks to your really creative writing I get my daily dose of laughter in every day at work. I think it confuses my boss when he walks by my office and sees me accidently laughing out loud. I bet he wonders what it is about accounting that I find so funny. 😉
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
Every boss dreams of finding somebody who can make accounting funny.
Laura
May 20, 2011
I would never fire someone on their birthday. The logistics of dealing with the cake while having security escort them out of the building would be too complicated.
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
But it might be kind of fun to hand him a piece of cake on his way out.
writerwoman61
May 20, 2011
I’m giving you the same present you gave me for Christmas…please don’t fire me!
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
But I gave you flowers for Christmas. I assume they’d be dead by now.
spilledinkguy
May 20, 2011
What if his present to you is the game operation?
What if MOST of the pieces haven’t been lost AND the rubber-band isn’t snapped or all dried out and crumbly? What if there are batteries included but they are so old they’ve completely corded the the point of being irremovable?
You don’t have to answer.
This comment has clearly gotten out of hand.
It turned on me early, and there was just no rescuing it.
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
It started as a joke, but now I find myself really wanting to play Operation.
nancyfrancis
May 20, 2011
Bahhahha. I’ll never feel as though I HAVE to feel bad for someone ever again!
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
Then my job is done.
ellieswords
May 20, 2011
Maybe: He has a date with Lady Gaga
Yes: He has a date with Lady Gaga and she’s interested in hearing you sing Bad Romance karaoke.
No: He wants YOU to dress up as Lady Gaga and sing karaoke.
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
If he asked me to dress up as Lady Gaga I’d think it was weird, then I’d feel flattered, then I’d say yes.
educlaytion
May 20, 2011
Maybe: Your computer crashed.
Yes: Your computer crashed and you can’t read my hit blog eduClaytion
No: You crashed Todd’s computer by downloading porn and now he’s not speaking to you. Again.
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
In my defense, when I asked to use Todd’s computer he should have remembered I crashed his previous three for the same reason.
Lenore Diane
May 20, 2011
I can’t pull up my WordPress subscriptions. *shakes fist* Getting here was as complicated as going around my butt to get to my elbow. (I’ve eaten a great deal of ice cream this week.) Fortunately for me, the effort to get here was worth it. (Exhausting, but worth it.) I always enjoy a good Todd post.
P.S. Too bad Dr. Drew couldn’t save Jeff Conway.
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
I’m sorry the WordPress gremlins have picked you this week. They got me a couple weeks ago and a couple months before that.
I looked up Jeff Conaway and didn’t know he was in critical condition. Now they’ll never make a feature film version of Taxi.
Penny
May 20, 2011
I like “Did your wife marry an alien??” – I have read lots of creativity in writing blogs, but I think you have them all beat. I have been trying to figure you out-your either a born comedian or an alien from another planet! But, very creative in the process. !!
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
You’re too kind. I would say I am flattered, but that is a human emotion I don’t understand.
K.
May 20, 2011
I think if you’re going to feel sorry for someone who just had an operation, you need to distinguish among several types of operations:
Maybe: She just had her ingrown toenail removed.
Yes: She just had her pancreas cancer taken out.
No: She just had her nose reshaped to look more like Lady Gaga’s.
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
Cosmetic surgery probably doesn’t deserve to win much compassion, but it just might win some extra attention from me in the long-term.
ajg
May 20, 2011
I love the no answers! Especially the one about Aunt Vivian, and the hard time telling time. Also Operation.
Do you have any fears that this blog will allow many people to copy your since of humor and in the end render you less funny? I’ll tell you what: I’m concerned about it. For the sake of your sense of humor as well as my own. Is assassination worth protecting your legacy and my sense of humor? Keep it up funny man, and we shall see.
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
I guess I could worry about other people copying it, but if I didn’t post it here, where else would I put it? I’ve tried writing Post-it notes and placing them on the refrigerator, but it wasn’t long before somebody put kids artwork right over it.
savesprinkles1234
May 20, 2011
The WordPress gremlins have been messing with me today, too. I still can’t get to my subscriptions either. I’m glad I got to read this. It’s always nice to have a good laugh before bed! Although my dreams will probably now feature the horrible Operation buzzer sound. My God, I hate that game! 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
I haven’t played in years and now I have a hankerin’ to play me some Operation.
Binky
May 20, 2011
My dead aunt’s car was stolen when she was at rehab after her husband left her. Not that I’m trying for any sympathy.
The Good Greatsby
May 20, 2011
Whether you’re trying for my sympathy or not, you have won it.
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
May 20, 2011
I don’t know how it is that we have not yet really become acquainted. You, sir, are freakin’ hilarious. And I am stunningly gorgeous. We should join forces and rule the universe.
Seriously, this is brilliant. 😉
How’s this:
Maybe: He was extremely apologetic when he confessed that he had copied directly from another source without citation.
Yes: My Department Chair said that he was extremely apologetic about not using citation properly and that his parents are major donors to the College.
No: He copied my entire blog (including the hyperlinks), handed it in for a grade, and was completely indignant when accused of cheating.
It has happened.
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
I would probably be flattered if some college kid turned in my entire blog as his paper and thought it could pass academic scrutiny. I wonder what class that would be.
Tooty Nolan
May 20, 2011
There are just SO MANY permutations. Do you have a flip chart to help you decide?
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
I do try and carry a chart with me and cross-reference the situation to quickly help me understand how I should feel.
Kim
May 20, 2011
I always pull the “birthday” card when things aren’t going my way… someday these kids are going to realize that Mom’s already had 35 birthdays this year… and it’s only May
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
Pretty soon your kids are going to wonder how much time you have left since you’ll be 80 or 90 years old by the end of the year.