We’ve all made the mistake of setting up friends on a blind date. You know two single people, you think they would be perfect for each other because they have so much in common–for example, both of them are extremely lonely–and you suggest arranging a blind date to throw the two lonely hearts together. What’s wrong with trying to help?
I’m not saying you should never set people up on a blind date, but I am saying you should never call it a blind date, or even a date for that matter. Going on a blind date brings so much pressure to look your best, be personable, desperately grasp at conversation starters, all while under the microscope of being the type of person who can’t find a date on your own.
My suggestion: Take the pressure off by setting people up on the blindest blind date–a date so blind, they don’t even know they’re on a date.
The Moving House Blind Date
I asked Lauren and Brian–two friends of mine whom I knew would be perfect for each other–to help me move. After thirty minutes I said I had to run out to get more boxes and returned four hours later wearing a wet swimsuit with a towel over my shoulder, drinking a Slurpee, and carrying no boxes. During those four hours they had plenty of time to talk about all the things they had in common–like how much they agreed I was a terrible friend. The final straw came when I started to play the piano while they were trying to move it, and they both stormed off, only to return a short time later to ask if I could re-park the moving truck which I had purposely parked behind Lauren’s car. I responded by shouting at them for interrupting me in the middle of playing Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue, which takes me twenty minutes to play, and now I had to start over. After ten minutes of waiting as I played as slowly as possible, Brian offered to give Lauren a ride home, and they ended up stopping for drinks so they could discuss their terrible day.
You’re welcome, Lauren. You’re welcome, Brian.
The Despondent Note Blind Date
I left a despondent note for Todd and a despondent note for Donna and told them I was headed to Lookout Point to end it all. They both showed up and tried to talk me down from the cliff.
Paul: What’s the point? I have nothing to live for. None of my friends even care about me.
Todd: I care about you, Paul!
Donna: Me, too.
Paul: You guys both care about me? Sure sounds like you have a lot in common. Do either of you like photography?
Todd: Paul, you know I love photography! I’m a wedding photographer!
Donna: Really? I’m a wedding florist.
Paul: But nobody shares my love of cats wearing wedding dresses.
Todd: That’s not true! You know I love cat weddings! You were the first one I told about my cat wedding book idea Here Meows the Bride.
Donna: I would buy that book! I would absolutely buy that book! I make tiny bouquets for my cats.
Does anybody else hear wedding bells?
The Charity Bake Sale Blind Date
I told Monica and David I was organizing a charity bake sale in the park and asked if they would both bake something and set up their own tables. On Sunday, they were the only two tables in the entire park because none of the fake people I invited showed up. I came for fifteen minutes and muttered how disappointed I was that only 2 out of 200 committed tables showed up and apparently 99% of people cared more about the Super Bowl than charity. I excused myself because the Super Bowl was starting, but I didn’t feel bad because I knew Monica and David would want to be alone so they could discuss the two things I knew they had in common: 1. Their love of feeling holier than others 2. Their hatred of football.
I’ve had a lot of success in my secret blind date setups, and five of those trick dates grew into long-term relationships. I rarely receive acknowledgement for setting up these single friends, but I don’t mind–because nobody blamed me when two out of those five success stories ended horribly.
The Good Greatsby 
Jillian Harvie
May 11, 2011
That is WAY better than the blind dates I’ve been on! How very thoughtful!
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I don’t get enough credit for my thoughtfulness.
Billie Jo Woods
May 11, 2011
60% is a fabulous success rate, congratulations! True story – my friend had evil rottweilers for pets and when she went out of town for a week she had asked her cousin and a coworker to look after them but meant to have one go in mornings and the other evenings. They both showed up that first night and the horrible dogs trapped them in the food pantry together for a couple hours until they threw food further and further away from the door trying to escape. They were married three months later. Talk about unintentional blind dates!
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
Sounds like your friend knew exactly what she was doing.
Lenore Diane
May 11, 2011
Oh my! Thanks for putting more ideas in my head, because clearly – I don’t have enough up there already. Your ideas are brilliant! Who knew moving could be so easy?
My blind date story: We are at a fancy Mexican restaurant. Fancy, because they have cloth napkins. The guy proceeds to blow his nose into the cloth napkin and place it upon the table when he is done. It was repulsive.
I will admit, I was not optimistic going into the date, so I had three girlfriends waiting at another table (discretely). When the date ended, he drove one way, and I pretended to drive another way. Then I returned to the restaurant and enjoyed a meal and drinks with my girlfriends.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
It would be fun if the date actually worked out and you had to explain to him how you knew multiple people at the table next to you, but never said hello.
Sidney
May 11, 2011
Diabolical and well-intended. That is the new sexy.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I never apologize for my diabolical good intentions.
officeoddities
May 11, 2011
What I don’t understand is why anyone would interrupt Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue?
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I don’t understand it either. Don’t they realize how many years of practicing it took me to be able to play Rhapsody in Blue so terribly?
thelifeofjamie
May 11, 2011
2 out of 5 ended horribly…I like those odds- you have a 60% success rate. Can you set me up on a blind date…maybe with a daycare provider who loves kids with attitudes and high pitched screams. It can be a man or a woman, or a couple looking to adopt, it really doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter that I am married either.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I’ll give it a try. It might be difficult to convince you the setup was accidental if I match you with someone who so completely matches the description you gave.
thelifeofjamie
May 12, 2011
A risk I am willing to take…
ryoko861
May 11, 2011
This is very true. I have several friends who are divorced and my husband and I are always trying to figure out who would go good with who. I figure I would have a picnic and just invite those two particular people and tell them I don’t understand why no one else showed up.
You play piano as well?
Wow, you’re very talented! What other secret talents to you have?
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I have a talent for mentioning my talents.
misswhiplash
May 11, 2011
I think that you only do it so you can go to the Wedding!
Bless you Paul, your heart is in the right place
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
I certainly do love weddings if they have karaoke at the reception.
Calhoun
May 11, 2011
My father set me up on a blind date one time.
As if that’s not embarrassing enough, the “date” itself was this guy moving me out of my dorm and driving the 5 1/2 hours back home.
I don’t even like spending 5 1/2 hours in the car with my friends, but considering it’s rude to tuck and roll out of a moving car on the first “date” I just went along with it.
At least your set-up involved baked goods…
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
Even if the date didn’t go well, at least you got some free help moving, right?
nancyfrancis
May 11, 2011
Love, Love, Love. I think I might pull the moving stunt.. but since I actually will have to move so, I’ll benefit from the assitance as well!
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
If you’re going to set them up for a lifetime of happiness, a little help with your move isn’t too much to ask.
Amy
May 11, 2011
Is the “Here Meows The Bride” Todd is the same Todd you prank on all the time? If so, then he totally deserves it.
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
Yes, he’s the same Todd and yes, he deserves whatever he gets.
pegoleg
May 11, 2011
OK, I’ll be the straight man here. What happened with the other 2 couples?
The Good Greatsby
May 11, 2011
One ended in divorce and I’m told she was really crazy, although I never saw it. The second couple never married, but she also turned out to be crazy–which I did see–and made his life miserable for a couple years after it ended.
pegoleg
May 12, 2011
Stop going to the sanitarium to find dates for your friends.
Surrey gal
May 13, 2011
Looks like I would be a perfect female part for your set up blind dates. Any free spots in the nearest future?
limr
May 11, 2011
Donna and Todd sound like a lovely couple. I’m glad he was able to find someone else after his wife had fake cancer. I hope they have many happy years and share their happiness by setting up some of their feline clients.
limr
May 11, 2011
And who is also named Donna. And who survived several fake deaths. What are the odds?
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Donna and Todd are doing great. The fake cancer scare brought them closer together as a couple, so that’s another reason they owe me a thanks.
spilledinkguy
May 11, 2011
I can see a faint resemblance to Chuck Woolery…
I guess it would have tipped Lauren and Brian off early if you said you’d be back in two and two…
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
You could do worse than a resemblance to Chuck Woolery, right?
Spectra
May 12, 2011
I somehow can see creating a “medical emergency” as potentially working itself into the whole ‘blind date’ thing. A hospital waiting room, or emergency room, could offer plenty of pathos and shared negative emotions – perfect for setting 2 people up for a life together. (of course, arranging an automobile accident between two people just so they can meet is probably wrong)
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
You say “probably wrong”, so I figure there must be some ethical wiggle room in there.
madtante
May 12, 2011
Fun piece but: I’ve NEVER set people up on a blind date.
Inga recently wrote about that: why do people think, “Oh, so and so is single and so is so and so” like that’s a match made in heaven? It’s NEVER based upon common interest. I got set up on a blind date with a closeted homosexual (later came out–guess I did that for him) based upon the notion we both liked Star Trek.
A lot of people like ST. That’s like saying, “You like baseball.” That’s not gonna work.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
You like Star Trek? I think I may have somebody who would be perfect for you.
madtante
May 12, 2011
Ooo, really?
bschooled
May 12, 2011
Ha! Feline brides are funny.
I once set two people up on a blindester blind date. It was so blind, they actually thought they were on a date with me.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Now I know why you left to go to the bathroom after thirty minutes and never came back. I was worried you were still stuck in that bathroom.
frigginloon
May 12, 2011
That wasn’t Carol was it Bschooled? If only she had worn those safety goggles 😦
writerwoman61
May 12, 2011
In my late teens, my best friend and her boyfriend (they’ve been married now for 27 years) set me up on a double date with one of his friends. The guy was too geeky (even for me), tongue-tied and sweaty. We had absolutely nothing in common. We went out dancing, and he couldn’t dance! It was a total fail…I dodged a bullet with that one, because after he got married, I heard that he and his wife had TRIPLETS!
Jim’s sister is a lovely girl, but is 34 and still single…I’d love to set her up with somebody nice…maybe I need to organize a fake bake sale…
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Whenever you get set up with the friend of a friend you always take the risk that for the next 27 years you will all remember how terrible that friend was on the blind date.
omawarisan
May 12, 2011
Dont accept the blame. You can lead them to water but you can’t…
I dont know where that is going.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
“You can lead them to water”? Are you suggesting a boat accident where the two of them are lost at sea together for a week?
Interesting. I’ll think about it.
Invisible Mikey
May 12, 2011
I’ve never set anyone else up, though I was possibly set up myself by someone as mysterious and covert as you. One woman dropped a head of lettuce on my foot, which is I guess a modern equivalent for a handkerchief. I had to pick it up of course, and she asked if I had any bus tokens. We rode downtown together and dated for three weeks, right up until I found out about her 4 kids from 3 dads. I never could figure out why we were both in that grocery store.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
It sure sounds like that woman knew what she was doing. It’s hard to believe dropping a head of lettuce on a stranger’s foot could be an accident.
nursemyra
May 12, 2011
Whereas dropping a rock melon would be much less suspicious
modestypress
May 12, 2011
I was going to ask if you had ever set up a blind divorce, but I see you are a man of many parts and attended to this task as well. What’s next? Nobody asks,
Set up a polyamorous blind date…
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
A polyamorous blind date could be fun. I could take care of all my single friends during one giant blind blind date.
Renee Davies
May 12, 2011
Moving Day Blind Date sounds like a great synopsis for a movie. I love the careless attitude in the whole scenario, Slurpee, piano and all.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
I just wanted to give them something to talk about–me.
cooper
May 12, 2011
How about getting both their doctors that they need emrgency liver transplants and get them set up in the same hospital room. They’ll have lots of time to share before they are discharged…
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Or what if they’re in a waiting room and the doctor tells them they have one liver available and he make the two of them wait three hours to learn the results of tests that will tell them who gets it.
Tien
May 12, 2011
Great work Paul! *clap clap* And Brian and Lauren agreed that you are a terrible friend? tsk…tsk….!
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
They still think I’m a terrible friend because I never told them it was all part of my plan to get them together. I don’t want to make the story any less romantic for them.
carldagostino
May 12, 2011
Blind drunk blind dates have also produced a lot of marriages. For a week or so anyway.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
And what a wonderful week it was, too!
judithhb
May 12, 2011
OMG – I wouldn’t dare set up any friends on a blind date. I have never had one so don’t know what I am missing out on.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
You’re missing out on a lot of awkward conversation and attempts at forced chemistry.
Patricia DeWit
May 12, 2011
You are very clever. Very VERY clever. Clever is good.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Thanks. I’ll take clever. I never turn down a compliment.
Ahmnodt Heare
May 12, 2011
Have you ever set up a blind date at a family reunion? If you can set up one there, you can set up one anywhere.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
I do like a good challenge.
frigginloon
May 12, 2011
I find duct taping people together works a treat.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Are you suggesting a fake kidnapping? Interesting.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 12, 2011
I think I had two blind dates in my entire life. One was with the least physically attractive human being I had ever seen. Yes, I am shallow. I don’t care. Shoot me.
thelamest(dot)com
May 12, 2011
brilliant post once again Mr. Greatsby!
I once had a horribly ugly friend, he made Cher’s son from that movie Mask, look like a regular Brad Pitt.
Anyways he asked if I could set him up with a blind date. After rolling around laughing for several hours I decided to do it. I purchased a packet of dates told him they never had vision and to the best of my knowledge they lived happily ever after.
modestypress
May 12, 2011
You never know. While not as extreme as the case you describe, just the other day I was looking at a slide show about Sophia Loren’s life. Her husband (and by all accounts it was a very happy and long marriage) did not at all look what you would expect one of the most beautiful women in the world to choose.
ajg
May 12, 2011
greatsby’s dating advice for me: “try keeping your shirt on and don’t make too many poop jokes. also, try to stay in poorly lit areas.”
best advice i ever had. and now i have an outlet for my pent up crude humor at http://www.lettersfrommycolon.com. see you there!
japecake
May 13, 2011
Come on, Greats–With a post like this, you gotta go for broke and shoehorn in a Helen Keller joke somewhere.
flippingchannels
May 13, 2011
I’ve never set up (or been on) a blind date before, but you really make me want to try it!
the master
May 18, 2011
True story, I once set two friends of mine up on a “Stealth Blind Date” (my term for it, which you may use, with proper accreditation of course) by convincing them that the world was gonna end. It was a flawless plan, since even if they hated each-other they’d be compelled to stay together to propogate the species. I’m pleased to say it was a resounded success, and they’re still living happily together to this day! Or at least they were the last time I checked the bunker surveillance footage.
REscarcega
May 18, 2011
I bet you hurt… deep inside. All that caring? Whoa… I feel ya. They don’t know… you are ahead of your time, my friend. They’ll eventually come to see… one day.