
Dear Donald Trump,
It pains me to write this letter, old chum, especially after the top notch weekend we spent throwing champagne bottles at poor people in Central Park and paying homeless men to kiss, but the vast Rich People Conspiracy asked me to express our concerns.
Here’s the predicament, old bean: You’re embarrassing all rich people.
We’ve spent years indoctrinating the poor and the rapidly shrinking middle-class that you had to be smart to be rich, and you’re single-handedly destroying that idea. Do you know what would happen to the social and economic fabric of America if the lower classes realized how many nincompoops slip up through the success cracks?
You would not believe the trouble I’m having with my valet, Godfrey, and I believe his contemptuous attitude can be traced back to watching your balderdash statements on that lighted electric box contraption with the plays inside that all the heathen, mouth-breathers watch.
Godfrey rarely deigns to speak or utter a cross word–he even apologized to me for sneezing when he caught a cold the time I left him out overnight on the giant human chess board during a hurricane–but yesterday he remarked completely out of the green how every time Trump was asked to explain a crazy idea or confronted with facts that disputed his absurd take on events, Trump replied by shouting how successful he was.
I didn’t like Godfrey’s tone, I didn’t like the fact he was speaking even more, and I didn’t like the fact he was mentioning your propensity to shout how successful you are when answering tough questions because all rich people do that, and we never suspected the poor knew we were blowing hot air.
Godfrey is rapidly forgetting his place. I swear, old chum, you would shudder if you had seen the impertinent look Godfrey shot me when I told him his wife had been accidentally crushed by Warren Buffett’s mechanical top hat game piece during our live-action Monopoly game last weekend. Godfrey asked why we couldn’t have played the regular board game Monopoly, and I answered with a top hole rejoiner, “Board games? They should call them bored games.” On my life, he did not even crack a smile–the first time any of my servants have ever failed to greet my sporting quips with their pedestrian cackle.
At our Rich People Conspiracy meeting we discussed whether we could let you off with only a warning to tone down your folly, but Rupert Murdoch is convinced you possess no filter to decipher between an intelligent statement and utter poppycock rot, and have surrounded yourself with so many Yes Men that you may actually believe your twaddle, just because you said it.
Therefore we must insist you refrain from speaking publicly for one year. If you refuse, you will be punished by losing the following rich people privileges:
1. Withdrawal of access to the vaccine that prevents cancer instead of the one we give everyone else that causes cancer.
2. No parking validation at this summer’s Butler Smackdown XXIV.
3. Last pick at the poor people stables in the Spring Poor-riding Races.
4. At Christmas time you will be relegated to a non-speaking stable animal in our annual evil version of the Nativity play.
5. Removal of your name from the secret list of rich people who the government does not expect to pay back money if they don’t feel like it.
And on a personal note, I shall be pained to ask you to return your half of the heart-shaped BFF solid gold bidet I got you for last year’s July Christmas.
Your Old Chum,
Charles Vanderbilt Rockefeller Kennedy Walton Koch Vanderbilt du Pont XVI
modestypress
May 18, 2011
In other words, Mr. Trump, please become more intelligent.
The Good Greatsby
May 18, 2011
I guess that’s a more efficient way of putting it.
amblerangel
May 18, 2011
I just can’t take a man seriously who looks at himself every morning, sees that hair and says,” Go get ’em tiger.” I mean really.
The Good Greatsby
May 18, 2011
His hair is not a strong reflection of the caliber of people he must surround himself with.
Brown Road Chronicles
May 18, 2011
Ummm… which stable animal? That one pic looks kind of like a Cockatoo, but I don’t remember any birds in the nativity story. Then again I don’t know the story that well…
The Good Greatsby
May 18, 2011
Yes, I do remember a cockatoo being quite prominent at the birth of Jesus.
Calhoun
May 18, 2011
Do you hafta be rich to say things like “old bean?”
Because I might actually try to be more successful if it means I can pull off lines like that one.
After all, it’s like you said, if Trump can do it, it can’t be that hard, right?
The Good Greatsby
May 18, 2011
I’m not rich, but I honestly do say things like “old bean” so you have my full support.
thebabelblog
May 18, 2011
Is anyone else pissed at Godfrey?! The nerve…
The Good Greatsby
May 18, 2011
He’s paid to laugh at his employer’s jokes, so I do thing he’s under-performing.
monicastangledweb
May 18, 2011
Amen! I couldn’t have said it better myself, and as far as I know, I’m not in this rich man’s club.
The Good Greatsby
May 18, 2011
If you were in the club, you’d know.
Lenore Diane
May 18, 2011
Finally! Something about Trump that is worth reading and entertaining. Wait a second. You’re promoting him. How much is he slipping you under the table? Why you little!!
The Good Greatsby
May 18, 2011
Is this promoting Trump? I guess anything different than a story about him being a complete buffoon is considered promotion.
thelifeofjamie
May 18, 2011
Can I add one? He must be forced to clean up the shit stained streets of every parade he throws for himself.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I bet he would still throw those parades anyway.
writerwoman61
May 18, 2011
I’ve always wondered how rich folks lived…Who needs to pay servants? My kids mouth off to me for free!
Um…wouldn’t half a bidet leak?
Fun post, Paul!
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I would assume half a bidet would leak, but I’ve never even had a complete bidet so I can’t say I’m an expert.
bridgesburning
May 18, 2011
Thank you for dealing with Mr. Trump. I am sure your tongue lashing has permanently put him in his place. As for Godfrey, my lord, you must do something immediately. He might be forgiven for speaking, but NOT laughing appropriately is just inexcusable. Perhaps a few more nights left out in the rain, or better yet lock him in that stable with Mr. T. I cannot imagine the fall out if my staff hear of this insolence!
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I’m not a fan of Trump, but I certainly can’t defend Godfrey’s impertinence.
Jeane
May 18, 2011
Why did we get rid of public whippings? The help was so much easier then.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
Servants were certainly easier to deal with back then.
Sandi Ormsby
May 19, 2011
AND What about the Pillory, where the crowd can throw rotten tomatoes and such? we’d all get in on that action and teach Godfrey a lesson.
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Lake Forest, CA
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
Did we get rid of the Pillory? I throw rotten tomatoes at somebody’s servant at least twice a day.
Spectra
May 18, 2011
I see His Man Godfrey must soon go the way of other lacklustre servants…into the goose/servant-liver pate’.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
Godfrey is just asking to be pate’ed.
Deborah
May 18, 2011
I’m from Blighty and so not allowed to comment on US politics. But — could you just confirm; those Champagne bottles, they were empty, weren’t they?
I worry.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I don’t know if they would hurt significantly less if they were empty. I’m never witnessed champagne-tossing myself–so I’m not an expert–but I’m fairly certain this is a common diversion among the wealthy.
madtante
May 18, 2011
While we’re being critical, you missed a joke with the RPC. The acronym should read RNC!
Tori Nelson
May 18, 2011
I think Godfrey needs to be made to pick his switch. A sassy valet just isn’t going to work.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I’m not certain of a valet’s complete job description, but I’m pretty sure absorbing abuse with a smile must be responsibility number one.
gojulesgo
May 18, 2011
The human chess board made me laugh out loud. I need to get one of those. I’m going to put it next to my baby animal guillotine.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
Before you buy the giant human chessboard make sure your friends like chess. Why waste all that money if your friends aren’t going to be impressed?
spilledinkguy
May 19, 2011
HAHAHA…
Butler Smackdown XXIV! I’m totally winning the gold cage grudge match this year.
Unless someone hits me over the head with a tea service again…
but really, two years in a row? What are the chances, right?!
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I watched Butler Smackdown last year and I still can’t figure out how that tea service got into the cage.
limr
May 19, 2011
That man’s name is all over the Tri-State area. He invests tons of money into an existing project provided they name it after him. There’s one apartment complex that he muscled into called Trump Park, and it gives me endless joy whenever the T falls off/gets stolen/breaks. And it happens with delightful frequency 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
Does he have rights to the name Trump? Is it possible to name a sewage treatment plant after him?
cooper
May 19, 2011
Hey! What about me???
signed — Bill Gates
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I just couldn’t imagine Bill Gates playing live-action Monopoly.
Renee Davies
May 19, 2011
Great British colloquialisms.
To substantiate your claim that the rich are in fact full of poppycock rot, here’s something:
In a summary of class consciousness, young [Prince] Charles got into some deep waters: “By entrusting the management of affairs chiefly to the upper classes, the country is at least saved from some of the evils that may be produced in the lower classes by corruption, although the upper classes may be lacking in intelligence, biased by class interest, and guilty of great corruption in political appointments. The honor of the class at least secures it from the great corruptions, and its members are permanently connected with the well-being of the country.” In the margin, his teacher had noted succinctly: “This makes no sense.”
Read more: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,871394,00.html#ixzz1Mjd1WSI1
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
When the upper classes explain the benefits of the upper class so effectively, I can’t help but be swayed.
writerdood
May 19, 2011
Mouth-breathers… damn, I forgot that one. I’m going to have to use it now somewhere. Thanks for reminding me. I’ve got the perfect spot in a story I’m writing. I was wondering how to make the heir to the Regency look like an arrogant putz, and I’ve been trying to collect expressions. Calling the peasants “mouth-breathers” is much better than referring to them as “tea-holes.”
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I expect a dedication at the beginning of your story.
Amy
May 19, 2011
Top drawer, good sir. Top drawer.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I like that one. I’m going to add “top drawer” to my English gentleman vernacular.
Invisible Mikey
May 19, 2011
Well said. Pardon my asking, but are you one of the Vanderbilt Rockefeller Kennedy Walton Koch Vanderbilt du Ponts of Boston? If so, I believe we met in Gstaad.
The Good Greatsby
May 19, 2011
I do say, you look familiar. Don’t we know each other from last year’s Butler Smackdown?
:Punchie
May 19, 2011
You are SO money, Greatsby!
(old money)
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
It’ still better to be old money, right? When somebody tells me I’m money, I want to distinguish if they mean new money or old money.
ajg
May 19, 2011
It’s nice to see a little bit of the true Greatsby the Anarchist come through. Also, please write an entire post explaining the mechanical top hat and live action monopoly.
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
I would delve into greater detail on the mechanical top hat, but I’ve only seen version 1.0. I’m afraid they’re redesigning it after so many servant crushings.
Kim
May 19, 2011
His “hair” gives me anxiety!
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
I fear his hair may lift off and attack me at any moment.
Thomas Stazyk
May 19, 2011
I bet he’s not feeling so PROUD now that he got this letter!
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
I bet he’s so hurt he can barely lift himself out of his sold gold bed.
Laura
May 19, 2011
Asking him to return his half of the bidet was a little petty. The bidet boutique isn’t going to take it back now that it’s been engraved.
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
Even if it hadn’t been engraved, I’m not sure anyone will want to buy a used bidet.
ellieswords
May 20, 2011
Live action monopoly? How awesome!
That’s it…I want to be rich now.
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
Make sure you get the mechanical top hat. Otherwise, the game is a bit risky.
Van Full of Candy
May 20, 2011
And now he won’t even become the President? Cancer-shot him … cancer-shot-him NOW !!!
The Good Greatsby
May 21, 2011
I sent this letter to him last week. I’m assuming the letter played a part in his decision not to run.
the master
May 23, 2011
Not sure if this is the right forum to ask (although I frankly can’t think of a better one – well, maybe the former Ask Jeeves), but do you have to be rich to have a butler? It’s just that those robotic ones are taking an inordinate amount of time to perfect, and despite the claims of a certain Wade Davies, zombies aren’t that easy to get hold of either. As for the monkey butlers… man, that was a horror show. All up the wall, it was.