This past week I’ve been thinking a lot about endings in life, and the following three proverbs came to mind:
All good things must come to an end.
All’s well that ends well.
Todd took a fourth piece of pizza even though some people haven’t had any pizza yet.
I realize the third proverb may not be familiar to readers, but I expect this saying will become popular when more people learn how Todd kept going back for more pizza even though he knew some people at the party were still playing dance pad and hadn’t eaten yet. When those people found out all the pizza was gone, they were furious at Todd, and he was never invited to book club again. Once you know the whole story, you realize my saying is just as catchy as the others.
If something in my life is going to come to an end, I hope it can end on a high note, but the odds are against me. The universe tilts in the favor of entropy. Job excitement fades. Relationships become stale. Children grow ugly.
How do you know when to quit? How do you know when you’re hanging on too long? How do you know when you’re risking 100% of your legacy in the hopes of making it 1% better?
Phil Jackson, possibly the greatest NBA coach of all time, is expected to retire after the Lakers were ousted from the playoffs. Much of the analysis after his last game focused on the poor sportsmanship and cheap shots by the Lakers after they knew they had been eliminated, and commentators considered it a shame that Jackson’s final game would be remembered as such a low note. (If you’re unfamiliar with the story of the Laker’s poor sportsmanship, two players were ejected for hard flagrant fouls. Also, there was a rumor that Kobe Bryant shot a referee in the leg, but don’t quote me on that because I’ve only heard that rumor from myself, and I’d like to hear it confirmed by someone who isn’t wearing a top hat and sitting in a tiny fort made of books while reporting the news.)
History is full of famous characters who had the world at their feet, but instead of being satisfied, they wanted a little bit more, took a wrong turn along the way, and lost it all.
Napoleon spent his final years in exile on Saint Helena because he wasn’t content with controlling Europe, but thought it would be fun to control Russia as well. At one time he was considered so invincible that opposing armies feared him as superhuman. Now most people only remember Waterloo as ABBA’s first hit and can’t recall a single victorious battle or Napoleon’s excellent recipe for banana bread. (I’ll give you a hint of the secret ingredient: bananas.)
The Emperor in Star Wars died ignominiously when Darth Vader threw him to his death. Today we only remember him for killing all the Jedi and attempting to turn Luke to the dark side. But nobody remembers the positives like his hyperspace rest stop beautification program, his attempts to recycle the planet Alderaan years before recycling was in vogue, or his rich baritone singing voice.
Good battle. Great album!
Today Vin Diesel is remembered for making terrible movies. But nobody remembers earlier in his career when he also made terrible movies.
Most things end badly, otherwise, they probably wouldn’t have ended. That is why I am considering ending the following while still on a high note:
1. Once, I accidentally did a great Christopher Walken impression, and people asked me to do it again. I couldn’t remember what I had said, and I wasn’t sure why they thought it was funny, so I will never do that impression again. I’m leaving my Christopher Walken impression on a high note.
2. I’m retiring my parmesan cheese souffle. I made it every few months for three years. Eventually people will get sick of it. Now that the souffle has been retired, it won’t be long before friends start describing it as the greatest parmesan cheese souffle of all time and start begging me to make it again. Sorry, I don’t make that souffle anymore.
3. Todd, thanks for helping me paint the house last weekend and for allowing me to pay you back later for the paint supplies. This was probably the nicest thing you’ve ever done for me, and I don’t anticipate our friendship could get any better. That’s why I’ve decided this is a perfect time to stop being friends. I hope you’ll remember the good times and not dwell on my refusal to pay back the money I owe you.
In the concluding, I cannot the importance overemphasize of high note leaving always.
The Good Greatsby 
thoughtsappear
May 12, 2011
“Kobe Bryant shot a referee in the leg, but don’t quote me on that because I’ve only heard that rumor from myself.”
You’re such a gossip. =)
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Don’t tell anyone you heard that from me.
carldagostino
May 12, 2011
I hear Brett Farve is coming out of retirement for the 17th time in hopes of bringing the Milwaukee Beermen to the Pretzel Bowl. Roosevelt may seek a fifth term.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
What does Roosevelt hope to accomplish with a fifth term that he couldn’t accomplish with a fourth?
Yahooey
May 13, 2011
Resurrection
accidentalstepmom
May 12, 2011
Sounds like the perfect high note on which to end your friendship with Todd. It’s a nice counterbalance to him eating all the pizza.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
I’m sick of defending Todd and getting him invited to book club even though he never reads the book.
Jillian Harvie
May 12, 2011
Children grow ugly????
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Do you have small children? Did you know they’ll grow up and eventually won’t be so cute?
bridgesburning
May 12, 2011
Walken and perhaps poor Todd we can sadly do without. The souffle I am not so sure because although I have not tasted it the very thought left my mouth watering. You scared the delights out of me as this was starting to sound like a long goodbye..you know it’s not me it’s you kind of scenario. WHEW! If you reconsider the souffle you know you will have to make enough to share with hundreds of us now. You opened a can of worms here and if you try to sneak even one tiny one we will smell the Parmesan in your words and come looking for you!
Chris
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
My parmesan cheese souffle is incredibly. Maybe I’ll whip it up one last time if you ever come to visit.
Bearman
May 12, 2011
Vin Diesel may make crappy movies but he knows how to engage with his audience and that is why (I am assuming) Fast 5 did as well as he did.
Based on this article he has more followers on Facebook than Obama and I heard that number has doubled in the past year but I am too lazy to verify.
http://soshable.com/barack-obama-vs-vin-diesel-on-facebook/
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Are you defending Vin Diesel? My mind is short-circuiting. I don’t know how to respond.
Invisible Mikey
May 12, 2011
You have pizza (had – thanks, Todd) and dance pad at book club? I’ll have to re-think this. Mary’s bunch just sit, drink and discuss!
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
We never actually get around to discussing the book. Or reading the book. Or choosing a book. But we do have fun playing dance pad and eating pizza.
jacquelincangro
May 12, 2011
I think Brett Farve needed this post about 5 years ago. Maybe more.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
If you have his email address, please forward this to him. I’m still convinced he’ll get the itch again in July.
Annie
May 12, 2011
Isn’t telling a friend the relationship is over via blog ending on a low note? Just wondering.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
If I told him in person he might ask for the money I owe him.
thelifeofjamie
May 12, 2011
You are very Yoda-like today…”In the concluding, I cannot the importance overemphasize of high note leaving always.”
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
I tried my best to end on a high note.
jaerae1971
May 12, 2011
Can I have Todd when you’re done?
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Be my guest. I’ve grown a little tired of him complaining about all the jokes I play on him.
Irene
May 12, 2011
Don’t be too hard on Todd. He just lives by a different philosophy: First come, first serve.
Or
You snooze, you lose.
Todd rocks. GO TODD GO!
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
I’m assuming you’re friends with Todd or his wife Donna. I didn’t know he had any other friends.
Amy
May 12, 2011
Your last sentence is genius! Love it!
I suppose this is why I have continued blogging for almost 4 years now. I haven’t yet hit my high note so I can quit.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Find something else to quit. Maybe quit quitting. Don’t give up blogging.
pegoleg
May 12, 2011
I believe Napoleon left Elba primarily because there were no bananas there.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
I’ve had that banana bread and it’s absolutely worth leaving Elba for.
Lori
May 12, 2011
Where can I find a book club that plays dance pad instead of discussing books?
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
The only way the husbands can get together to play dance pad and eat pizza is to call it book club.
Lenore Diane
May 12, 2011
Did you use a cowbell with your Walken impression? One can always use a little more cowbell.
I’m going to miss Todd, even if he did eat the last slice of pizza. I think I saw someone sneeze on it, anyway. Maybe that is why it was still there …. waiting…. waiting for Todd. *sigh* I’m really going to miss Todd.
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
I have some great memories of Todd. Todd has some memories of me making great memories at Todd’s expense.
Renee Davies
May 12, 2011
Is it me or did something happen to your computer when you typed the closing note?
“In the concluding, I cannot the importance overemphasize of high note leaving always.”
Oh wait, is that you leaving on a bad note?
The Good Greatsby
May 12, 2011
Yes. That’s me leaving on a bad note at the same time I recommended leaving on a high note.
monicastangledweb
May 12, 2011
I’m a TV hound and I remember two shows that left on a high note: Mary Tyler Moore and MASH. It was as a result of these two shows that I learned never to outstay my welcome. Thanks, Paul, for another pithy post.
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
MASH had a great ending. Finish while the show is still good and people will remember it forever and wish they were still making new episodes. Stay one season too long and people will say it was a good show but qualify what seasons they were talking about.
Calhoun
May 12, 2011
I once did a Heidi Klum impression at a party.
Never mind the fact that I’m a dude… but since then, everyone asks me to do it again (which is weird in and of itself) but I refuse to spoil that one perfect moment when I evidently did a bomb ass Heidi Klum impression.
In short, I can relate to your Walken impression and raise you a German supermodel impression.
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
Did you say “Auf wiedersehen”?
Calhoun
May 13, 2011
… does Heidi Klum ever say anything else?
pearlsandprose
May 12, 2011
That’s why I only make peanut butter fudge once a year. Do you secretly make the soufflé and then eat it when no one else is home? I couldn’t deprive myself like that.
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
You’re very wise to ration it out. My wife is a great cook and does most of the cooking, but I have about ten recipes I pull out for special occasions and try not to make more than twice a year.
writerwoman61
May 12, 2011
The title of this post scared the hell out of me, Paul…I thought you were quitting blogging! So many of my blogging buddies are “on a break” or have quit entirely…I don’t think I could take another defection (you know it’s all about me!). Glad you’re staying…
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
Only when I got to the end did it occur to me that some people might get that impression. I’m not going anywhere because I hope I haven’t hit my high note yet.
Sidney
May 12, 2011
I saw Kobe take the shot; but I am wearing a top hat right now.
Apologies,
Carol Burnett
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
I would need five witnesses wearing top hats to equal the credibility of one top hatless witness.
officeoddities
May 13, 2011
I once did a truly hilarious impression of an idiotic friend. For months, people who had seen it the first time asked me to do it again and (not having read this post at the time) I always did, meeting only the sound of crickets and the look in people’s eyes when they don’t want to be friends with you anymore.
A low note indeed.
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
An impression rarely works past one line or two. You get some laughs, you gain confidence, and then you try a third or fourth line and you lose the audience.
limr
May 13, 2011
I think no one was ever as committed to this ideal as Daffy Duck, who gave his very life to it.
“That was a great trick, Daffy, they want more!”
“Yeah, but I can only do it once.”
Daffy Duck in The Best Act in Year
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
Great clip. I take all my performance advice from Daffy.
I didn’t mind the embedded clip, but I adjusted it for you.
limr
May 13, 2011
Thanks. It was just so…suddenly there. It made me feel like I unexpectedly had a big red clown nose on my face 🙂
spilledinkguy
May 13, 2011
AH! There it is!
Yet another Vinny D cameo! Well played, sir… well played!
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
I try and get a Vinny D reference in once a week to make sure you keep coming back.
madtante
May 13, 2011
I was an ugly child…it helped lower expectations on me as an adult. I’m not particularly attractive but in comparison, I’m a great beauty, like your best-ever soufflés.
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
I always like to trick people into having low expectations.
Tamara
May 13, 2011
I could astound you with a witty comment, but I think I’d like to hang around your blog a while longer.
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
There’s no pressure to be witty. Lengthy compliments are just as acceptable.
Sandi Ormsby
May 13, 2011
Ok #2 I’m retiring my parmesan cheese souffle
I thought that read the Parmesan Cheese SHUFFLE. and I laughed and laughed because it reminded me of the Super Bowl Suffle. this was the best version I could find. The video is so old the mouths don’t always match the song. this video seems to sync okay. #88 has the moves and #55 looks so uncomfortable! 🙂
http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/sports/Chicago_Bears_Superbowl_Shuffle/#27824
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
The Super Bowl Shuffle was good, but I’m even more interested to see what the Parmesan Cheese Shuffle would look like.
girlonthecontrary
May 13, 2011
People ask me to do one of my many awesome celebrity impressions all the time. My response? “I don’t do requests.” It belittles them and makes me look more like a badass. Always a high note.
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
I bet people don’t even mind being belittled when it comes from someone so cool.
She's a Maineiac
May 13, 2011
I don’t know. I think The Pacifier was brilliant.
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
I haven’t seen The Pacifier, but I just assumed it was terrible. I’ll have to take a look if all other movies and television are somehow destroyed.
lynnbiederstadt
May 13, 2011
I think I’ll stop being me. This goes hand in hand with your Good news/Bad News post. Not a low note or a high one either…leave ’em wondering, I say….
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
Very clever scheme. You’ve taken it to the next level, Lynn.
Jeane
May 13, 2011
First off…even a bad Walken is a good Walken. Just saying you’re doing a Walken makes it awesome. Your posts are always a laugh igniter! Thanks. And Yea…Laker loss.
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
I don’t like the Lakers, but they were the ones I thought had the best chance of beating Miami who I like even less.
berettaluvz26
May 13, 2011
Dude, can I have the pepper out of the pizza box?
The Good Greatsby
May 13, 2011
You better hurry and grab it before Todd does.
Binky
May 13, 2011
Are we to infer that you’re planning to end your blog on a high note? Well, at least, a higher note than your usual low note?
Laura
May 13, 2011
You should end your friendship with Todd on a high note with a great practical joke. For example, you could tell him you’re returning the money you owe him, and hand him an envelope that actually contains evidence that he’s committed some horrible crime (for example, first drafts of a ransom note, plus a todo list with entries like “Write final draft of ransom note” and “Perform actual kidnapping”). Then call the police and testify against him at his trial. This would be hilarious and would ensure a clean break by preventing Todd from contacting you for 5-20 years.
bluebee
May 14, 2011
And if you’re anything like the long-in-the-tooth sportspersons Downunder, you won’t be able to desist from bringing those skills out of retirement to a collective public yawn
Gemma Sidney
May 15, 2011
*Shakes fist angrily at Todd*
How very dare he?
I very much liked your flip comment: “Children grow ugly.” This is so true! They start out as babies, all red and resembling all the other reddish crying babies, get kinda cute at the kid stage, then grow into hideous, pimply teens. Adults have better skin but they’re not much better. Then there’s the wrinkles and so forth that come with old age. Ask me, I can tell you all about it. I’m nearly 28!
ajg
May 15, 2011
I’m totally the pizza Todd. Can we make that a thing? A pizza Todd?
Your Top Hat News Hour is the only one I watch.
Speaking of Houdini, I rank his death as one of the most unfortunate low points of great lives. Not that it was his fault, but still a low note.
the master
May 18, 2011
I’m with you of the Walken thing, to the extent that I shamelessly plagiarised his reading of “The Three Little Pigs”, which is why my brother won’t let me babysit anymore. I also do a mean impression of Alan Rickman in Die Hard (by which I mean I go around shooting Japaness businessmen and men named Ellis).