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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Ain’t No Party Like a Barack Obama Party!
This is a picture of President Obama taken at a 4th of July celebration at the White House for military families. Can you pick the person in this picture who did not vote for Obama? Apparently the guy on the left meets the President all the time. I once met George H.W. Bush, and even […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Is that Justin Bieber I Smell?
July 8, 2011
You may know Canadian Justin Bieber as the teen heartthrob who made $53 million last year, most notably for singing the song Baby which repeated the word “baby” 54 times, almost exactly $1 million per “baby”. If you forget the words, just try shouting “baby” and the odds are in your favor. If you haven’t […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
A True Class Clown Doesn’t Take a Summer Vacation
July 7, 2011
The doctor told my wife and I to sit down, always a sign of impending bad news. I hoped refusing to sit might somehow change our fate. “If you don’t mind, doc, I’d rather stand. Or maybe lie down on the floor. Or maybe lean against this coat rack over here. But give it to […]
Posted in: Family
Hey, Where’s that Fifty Bucks You Owe Me?
July 6, 2011
About once a month I set a date to go over my finances. This usually involves analysis of four categories: 1. Bills to pay 2. Savings and investments 3. How the kids could make me money, possibly through street busking or pick-pocketry 4. How to trick or guilt people into giving me money The kids […]
Posted in: Advice
A Barrel of Laughs? No, Just a Barrel.
July 5, 2011
My son, Optimist Prime, turned ten years old on Sunday. (Read his birthday tribute post: The Most Positive Child in the World.) When my wife asked him what he wanted for his birthday he answered, “A barrel!” This has been a recurring joke in our family from the time we were eating at a local […]
Posted in: Family
More Indifferent State Tourism Slogans: Now 50% More Slogany
July 4, 2011
Happy birthday, America! I got you a card but I wasn’t sure where to send it. Allow me to apologize for sullying your reputation by trying to settle all arguments both home and abroad with a chant of “USA! USA! USA!” Now for a selection of even indifferenter, fat-freer, low calorierer, state tourism slogans: Alabama: […]
Posted in: Columns
Sunday Brunch
July 3, 2011
Yesterday my seven-year-old, The Fonz, told my wife, “Parenting must be hard, especially when you have kids.” I would have answered, “Actually, parenting without having kids is even harder.” ….. Christine Lagarde was selected this week as International Monetary Fund Managing Director. I never received a response to my job inquiry email to the IMF. […]
Posted in: Columns
The Most Positive Child in the World
July 2, 2011
Happy birthday to my son, Optimist Prime, who turns ten tomorrow! I don’t mention Optimist Prime as often as my seven-year-old, The Fonz, because The Fonz is more likely to get in trouble and say something funny when he gets caught. Optimist Prime is more likely to go to bed on time without being asked, […]
Posted in: Family
Indifferent State Tourism Slogans
July 1, 2011
Arizona: 47 days without a killer bee attack. Connecticut: ‘Connect’ing Rhode Island and New York since 1788. Delaware: Experts in giving directions to Maryland, Pennsylvania, or New Jersey. Kansas: You’ve got to stop for gas somewhere–why not stop in Kansas? Kentucky: Now accessible by car. Louisiana: Anyone named Louis or Ana eats free. Maine: Once […]
Posted in: Columns
Bet Your Bottom Sacajawea You Don’t Have a $1 Coin in Your Pocket
June 30, 2011
As a kid I enjoyed collecting coins until I learned I could lose those collected coins through a hole in my pocket. I also learned I could lose an older brother’s coin collection through a hole in my pocket. I also learned I could place the last remaining coin in my little brother’s pocket and […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Flip a Coin–Preferably a $1 Coin
June 29, 2011
Over the years the US Federal Reserve has made numerous efforts to convince Americans to use a $1 coin instead of the $1 bill. The latest effort–the presidential $1 coin series–has resulted in over $1 billion dollars of coins nobody wants as the law calls for their production and a new president to be honored […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
TSA Doesn’t Negotiate with Terrorists, or Grandmas
June 28, 2011
On Sunday, a Florida woman complained when TSA airport agents patted down her 95-year-old mother and insisted she remove her adult diaper. The story spread quickly through social media as an example of overreaching government officials wasting resources scrutinizing a harmless elderly woman while the most likely elderly threats like Larry King continue to roam […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
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