Happy birthday, America! I got you a card but I wasn’t sure where to send it.
Allow me to apologize for sullying your reputation by trying to settle all arguments both home and abroad with a chant of “USA! USA! USA!”
Now for a selection of even indifferenter, fat-freer, low calorierer, state tourism slogans:
Alabama: Now with universal phone access in 41 of 67 counties.
Arkansas: Probably best to consider any loan a gift.
California: Our beauty will take your breath away. Also the pollution.
Colorado: Our capital shares the same name as Gilligan’s Island’s Bob Denver.
Idaho: Birthplace of the ‘ho’bo. Also deathplace.
Illinois: The ‘s’ is still silent.
Kentucky: The state Virginia willingly gave up.
Michigan: Make yourself at home. Seriously, please make Michigan your home and convince all your new neighbors to stop leaving.
Missouri: Pronunciation very similar to the word ‘misery’.
Pennsylvania: Come see the places where The Philadelphia Story, The Young Philadelphians, and The Philadelphia Experiment were not filmed.
South Carolina: Sister state of Queensland, Australia.