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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Saturday Surprise
While here in Edinburgh, friends have asked if I miss my kids, and I answer, “Who? Oh, right, I have kids.” Actually I do sometimes miss them, like last week when I dropped a coin into a sewer drain and could have utilized their tiny hands and arms to retrieve it, but mostly I miss the funny things they […]
Posted in: Columns
Friday Love Letters: Dear Nigella
August 26, 2011
Dear Nigella, I have no interest in cooking, but still I watch your cooking show. Actually, I didn’t even know it was a cooking show until the fourth episode when my wife returned home early and asked what I was watching. I jumped out of my chair and answered, “Honey, I know what this looks like. […]
Posted in: Love Letters
Shrimp on a Treadmill
August 25, 2011
A new partisan report on wasteful government spending knocked money allocated to science by highlighting $500,000 awarded to a study involving shrimp running on treadmills. The director of the study defended the study by saying the shrimp on a treadmill was only one small part of the study and that portion only cost $1000. Read the story […]
Posted in: Columns
Dear Good Greatsby: How Do I Convince My Sister to Do Me More Favors?
August 24, 2011
Today’s guest panelist will be my best friend, Todd, who finds himself with a bit of time on his hands since I accidentally got him fired from his last three jobs. The first question comes from The Average Person at the blog theaveragelives.wordpress.com. Dear Good Greatsby, Recently I’m becoming increasingly worried due to my sister seemingly […]
Posted in: Dear Good Greatsby
Signs of Your Impending Layoff
August 23, 2011
I read an article listing signs you’re about to be fired. These signs included loss of responsibility, not being kept informed, and increased supervision. The article only listed ten signs, and maybe the writer didn’t have the space to offer a comprehensive list, but I feel the following bad signs should have also been included: […]
Posted in: Columns
Welcome to Paulsville
August 22, 2011
I recently read about a town in South Dakota being sold for $800k. The town of Scenic has a population of ten and your $800k buys you a dance hall, a saloon, two jails, a train depot, two stores, and some empty buildings, although it’s not clear if the price tag includes the legal ownership of those ten […]
Posted in: Columns
Chinglish Freewheeling
August 21, 2011
My friend took this picture in Shanghai at a children’s ball pit: I assume this message is either a warning not to throw the balls or is alluding to the seminal Bob Dylan album, Freewheelin’. I searched all the song lyrics on the album but couldn’t find any reference to “pompons”. I wonder if the “Please don’t […]
Posted in: Chinglish
Saturday Potluck
August 20, 2011
How much does my wife miss me while I’m away in Edinburgh? This week we were talking on the phone and I asked, “Do you miss me?” and she didn’t answer because she had fallen asleep–a response I could only interpret as measuring very low on the missing scale. The only time I can call […]
Posted in: Columns
Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel
August 19, 2011
In the next week I’ll particpate in drafts for both of my fantasy football leagues. Last year I consistently struggled to find consistent running back production, so I’ll still probably use my first two picks on RBs, although I don’t see a lot of depth at the position, and I wonder how the prolonged holdout of […]
Posted in: Love Letters
Did I Ever Tell You About the Time…?
August 18, 2011
My wife has heard all my stories. I’ve heard all her stories. Every childhood memory, every funny anecdote, every life-changing experience had been exchanged within our first few years of marriage. Conversation in years four to seven was full of stops and starts: “Did I ever tell you about the time–” and the other partner would […]
Posted in: Columns
Dear Good Greatsby: How Do I Convince My Children I’m Smarter Than They Are?
August 17, 2011
Today’s guest panelist will be my time-wasting robot, Philo T-2000, who has been watching reruns of Oprah to enable him to understand human emotions and give applicable advice. The first question comes from Jamie of The Life of Jamie. Allow me to recommend Jamie by saying she’s displayed excellent taste by disliking all the same […]
Posted in: Dear Good Greatsby
Choose Your Celebrity Handle
August 16, 2011
Every time my wife and I meet a new couple, we combine their names into a catchy couple handle, similar to celebrity couples like Bennifer, Brangelina, or TomKat. Some of our friends have couples nicknames that easily roll off the tongue like Rebex, Lindex, or Shandrew and we find these couples easiest to remember when we’re planning my […]
Posted in: Columns
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