Choose Your Celebrity Handle

Every time my wife and I meet a new couple, we combine their names into a catchy couple handle, similar to celebrity couples like Bennifer, Brangelina, or TomKat.  Some of our friends have couples nicknames that easily roll off the tongue like Rebex, Lindex, or Shandrew and we find these couples easiest to remember when we’re planning my annual MonoPauly game party and always write their handles on the top of the invite list.  Other couples names don’t flow as easily and we rarely remember to invite…I was going to give an example but I literally can’t remember the names.  I see faces in my mind but their boring nicknames elude me. 

A few weeks ago I wrote about the break-up of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, and speculated their relationship had failed because the media never gave them a cool couple handle despite Marc’s efforts to promote Jennifarc, Marcifer, and Lopanthony.  My suggestion for both celebrities and peasants alike is to seek relationships with strong name chemistry right from the start.  If you’re single, write down all the people you know, try and come up with catchy combinations, and then focus on attracting those people at the top of your catchy name list.  If you’re already married but your couples name doesn’t roll off the tongue and isn’t memorable, you might want to consider whether your relationship has legs. 

If I worked in celebrity public relations, I would recommend my clients find the catchiest name partner available as a method of gaining more exposure and capturing the public’s attention, and I would start by advising the following couples to get together: 

Angie Harmon--One half of HarmPitt?

Former Law and Order actress, Angie Harmon, together with Brad Pitt could form the duo, HarmPitt.  (The H is silent.)  You may assume they wouldn’t want to be associated with armpits, but you forget everyone has armpits and applying deodorant each morning would make us remember how this celebrity couple brings meaning to our humdrum lives and the result would be a lifetime of free publicity for HarmPitt.

Michael Jordan and Ellen Degeneres could form, Jor-El, the name of Superman’s father, and would help them capture the attention of comic book fans who are traditionally less likely to follow sports or women’s talk shows.  

Stephen Carell and Sarah Jessica Parker could create the power couple, CarPark.  CarPark doesn’t seem very sexy at first glance, or even after multiple glances, but you know what most people do every single day?  Answer: Park a car.  And every time they park a car they think of Stephen Carell and Sarah Jessica Parker and they smile, and life seems a little bit easier. 

Ginnifer Goodwin plays a polygamist wife on the HBO show Big Love, and if she entered a polygamist relationship with Lady Gaga and Cuba Gooding Jr., she could be one-third of GagaGooGoo.

Simon Cowell and Kristen Bell could be CowBell, allowing Simon Cowell to constantly promote the couple every time he critiques an X-Factor performance by using the old Saturday Night Live joke, “That song needs more CowBell,” and the audience would applaud with a warm feeling that Simon had included them in an inside joke.   

Goldie Hawn and Kanye West could form GoWest and maybe even record a remake of the classic song Go West by the Village People.

Sandra Bullock and Sean Penn could imprint themselves in the memory of baseball fans with the moniker BullPenn.  But you better treat her right, Sean Penn, or she might find greener pastures with Snoop Dogg as one half of BullDogg.

If NBA star, Dwight Howard, and Beyonce Knowles dated, they could be KnowHow.  This nickname could help them promote a series of motivational books where they used their KnowHow to fix our lives.

Courtney Cox and Sean Combs could be CoxComb.  Although CoxComb does roll off the tongue,  by definition it means a conceited foolish person, and CoxComb would have to make an effort to display incredible humilty and intelligence so the nickname could be viewed ironically.

Ray Romano and Daryl Hannah would be RayDar, providing a much needed boost to both of their careers.  Just imagine them walking the red carpet and the Entertainment Tonight reporter mugging at the camera and saying, “I think we’ve spotted a celebrity couple on our RayDar,” and we’d all cheer as the camera panned to Ray and Daryl.

One half of DownLo?

If Jennifer Lopez wants to find a name as catchy as Bennifer, she might want to approach Robert Downey Jr. to see if they could join forces to create the ultra-cool, DownLo.  But Robert Downey Jr. has multiple options and could always call Carrie Underwood to form DownUnder as a boost to both of their careers in Australia.

Whoopi Goldberg and Rush Limbaugh could be GoldRush.  I would never have expected those two to be compatible, but the name doesn’t lie.

Despite all this advice about couples names, I must admit my wife and I don’t have a catchy moniker, and our relationship struggles under the weight of knowing we’ll never be a famous couple.