Today’s guest panelist will be my time-wasting robot, Philo T-2000, who has been watching reruns of Oprah to enable him to understand human emotions and give applicable advice.
The first question comes from Jamie of The Life of Jamie. Allow me to recommend Jamie by saying she’s displayed excellent taste by disliking all the same people I dislike. Read her list of People Who Should Drop Off the Face of the Earth
Dear Good Greatsby,
My children appear to be smarter than me already, and being that they are 2 and 3, I need some moves to outsmart them. Of course, I can do things they can’t like drive, brush my own teeth and wipe my own behind, but I really want to one-up them. Suggestions?
Sincerely, The Life of Jamie
Dear The Life of Jamie,
Paul: If your kids aren’t impressed by your ability to drive, brush your teeth, and wipe your own behind, might they be impressed if you did all three at the same time?
If that doesn’t impress them, you must ask yourself how smart your children really are. A few years ago my wife and I ordered pizza after the kids went to bed, and when they woke up the next morning and saw the pizza boxes, they complained about us having pizza without them. This gave me the idea to hide the empty boxes under the couch during the day and every night before my wife and I went to bed, I placed the boxes back on the coffee table so the kids would see them in the morning. My wife and I enjoyed a laugh when the kids got upset the first few mornings, but we began to worry about their level of intelligence when they never figured out the joke after three weeks.
Now I can never eat pizza without tasting the bitter disappointment of raising unintelligent children. All parents want to believe their kids are intelligent, but it’s actually very liberating and takes all the pressure off when you discover they’re not.
If you really have your heart set on impressing your kids, allow me to suggest an accomplishment that should impress any child: discover a cure for cancer. Note: This will also impress adults.
Philo T-2000: 0001001011011011100100100000101001010111010101
Paul: You’re embarrassing me. Use human words!
Philo T-2000: 0100101000111010101010101
Paul: I feel I must apoligize for Philo T-2000 by admitting I am not an engineer and built the best robot I could with the materials and attention span available to me at the time.
The second question comes from 17-year-old blogger, Hannah-Elizabeth, of The Last Classic, who will make you feel old with her list of things she wants to do before she turns 20: 20 Before 20.
Dear Good Greatsby,
I have an overweight cat. Abby Num-Nums. Ever since Abby was a kitten, she has had what is referred to at my house as ‘obesekitty’. And so, what with all the lectures from Michelle Obama about eating healthier, I have decided to put my cat on a diet. Apparently Abby Num-Nums no like this idea. She now sits by my bed and stares at me as I try to fall asleep. I’ve suspected a murder plot and hacked into her e-mail to discover disturbing e-cards to a local hitman. What do I do?
Classic
Dear Classic,
Paul: Many cats see no problem with gaining weight because media stereotypes reinforce the image of the lovable fat cat like Garfield. You must make your cat realize that behind the laughter, Garfield is an intensely lonely cat and unlikely to ever find love. Despite three decades of worldwide fame and immense fortune, Garfield is still single and likely to die alone.
The other challenge with pets is that animals are not as advanced as humans and therefore have not developed our complex body issues; they must be taught shame of their bodies just like we teach human children. For this reason, you must treat Abby Num-Nums exactly like a human and teach her that your love is conditional upon the way she looks. The easiest way to teach her is to get a slimmer, more attractive cat and shower it with love while Abby Num-Nums watches. Dress the slim cat in flattering cat sweaters that complement her svelte figure then struggle to put these same sweaters on Abby Num-Nums, allowing her to understand the sweaters won’t fit because of her shameful girth.
You should also place a mirror next to her bowl so she can watch herself eat and begin to connect eating with her obesity. If you see her watching herself in the mirror, make eye contact with her and offer an expression of revulsion.
If none of these methods work, the good news is that you can choose to permanently replace Abby Num-Nums with the new slim cat.
Philo T-2000: What is this human emotion, love?
Paul: I apologize again.
Do you have a question for The Good Greatsby?
Submit your questions on the Dear Good Greatsby page.
The Good Greatsby 
JM Randolph
August 17, 2011
I would definitely be impressed if Jamie did all three things at once. Also, I think MegaTron could have a lucrative career as feline personal trainer.
The Good Greatsby
August 18, 2011
Somehow Megatron manages to look great despite eating four meals a day. She must be doing something right.
thelifeofjamie
August 17, 2011
She should be SCARED of Abby Num Nums because she is going to turn Hannah’s face into num nums while she sleeps- cats are evil!
And I have been trying to cure cancer for many a year but I have discovered that I lack any skill required to do so. Evidently that periodic table of elements was important and I should have paid more attention in high school science. Maybe I will just tell them I cured cancer, although that will surely backfire when the inevitable happens and I do get cancer…Maybe I will just try wiping my behind, while driving and brushing my teeth- seems like a better suggestion! Thanks Good Greatsby!
The Good Greatsby
August 18, 2011
Curing cancer may seem like an insurmountable task, but how can you really know if you haven’t even tried?
pegoleg
August 17, 2011
Perhaps your robot should start watching reruns of Jerry Springer to get a BETTER handle on human emotions. He may feel compelled to start adding 2s to his advice.
The Good Greatsby
August 18, 2011
If he learned about human emotions through Jerry Springer I worry all his advice will be full of bleeps.
thebabelblog
August 17, 2011
You could also get Abby Num-Nums to go on that TV show intervention. That way when Abby Num-Nums sees all her skinny cat friends are concerned, she’ll become bulimic…problem solved!
The Good Greatsby
August 18, 2011
Cats are pretty good at throwing up, seems like bulimia would be a natural fit.
Spectra
August 17, 2011
I think you are right-on-the-mark with the cat advice. Cats are said to be very vain animals, known to stare at themselves in the mirror for hours on end. Withdrawing love and approval will surely get the point across to Abbey Num-Nums! Also, a continual loop-replay of the animated X-rated film, ‘Fritz The Cat’, from the 1970’s, will show Abbey all of the cheap fun and debauchery she is missing out on by being such a hog.
As for the advice profferred by Philo T-2000, I am not sure anyone should be taking any advice from a drunk robot.
The Good Greatsby
August 18, 2011
He doesn’t actually drink very much but I didn’t build him a liquid release hatch so the alcohol is stuck with him forever.
joehoover
August 17, 2011
My cat’s gone the same way as Abby Num-Nums, She’d been posting complaints on Facebook because I stopped buying her Lick-e-lix treats. I’m not so sure it’s wise to help them slim, if their girth delays the inevitable cat uprising for at least my lifetime I’ll be grateful, and she won’t be able to spread hateful messages on Facebook as they’ll soon be indecipherable if she’s clattering the keyboard with her chubbed up paws.
k8edid
August 18, 2011
Your advice to Jamie was spot-on. Unfortunately, her children will remain smarter than her until they have children of their own. At time time, they will immediately recognize her as an uber-intelligent, selfless parental goddess. They will tell her this in hopes that she will babysit her grandchildren most weekends. Lately, my children are impressed that I actually still have teeth, can find my own behind, and drive primarily on the street.
As for the cat, I suggest Classic e-mail a few “hit-cat” sites and cc Abby num-nums.
Philo T-2000 still needs a little work – did you leave him in charge of Aunt Dahlia while you were gone?
spilledinkguy
August 18, 2011
I see Philo T-2000 is programmed to enjoy Anderson Cooper.
The real question is what his binary code would say about Vin Diesel.
🙂
She's a Maineiac
August 18, 2011
I was thinking the same thing!
Brynn
August 18, 2011
I’m going to take that advice for my cat, Mama. Not be confused with my actual mother.
Brynn
August 18, 2011
I should clarify. I’ll be taking the advice you gave Jamie. Mama is never impressed with me.
Lorna's Voice
August 18, 2011
I didn’t know you were taking requests…Scrappy has a question he’s like to ask.
Kim Pugliano
August 18, 2011
It took me a first divorce to discover my mom actually WAS smarter than me. Bitch.
Bearman
August 18, 2011
Looking at Hannah’s list, the question she should be asking is “Why do I want to go to Paris first and THEN learn French?”
Binky
August 18, 2011
The best way to prove to youre kid’s that your smarter then them is to learn english good.
The second best way is to just keep your mouth shut.
gerknoop
August 18, 2011
The ability to drive, brush teeth, and wipe her own behind is a mental image that sent me into hysterics….but then my sister says our family is a little touched…..
Binky
August 18, 2011
“. . .that animals are not as advanced as humans. . .”
I, for one, take offense at that statement, unless by “advanced” you actually mean “stupid.”
Tooty Nolan
August 18, 2011
You need a cravat to complete the ensemble. Just an observation. Or was it slung casually over the chair back? I suspect that was the case.
Kim
August 18, 2011
Maybe Classic should change her kitty’s name to Abby NO-Num-Nums?
HoaiPhai
August 18, 2011
If you want to extend the fun you had with the pizza boxes, may I suggest you getting your hands on the empty packaging for an X-Box, or whatever current toy your kids sacrifice robins to the monsters in the closet in hopes that Santa will bring them one this year, and then stashing it under the livingroom couch? Also I found that my cat Hefty Henry was able to shed (get it?) quite a bit of weight once I put his trough at the end of an electric treadmill set at “trot”.
Classic
August 18, 2011
Excellent suggestion, Greatsby. As usual, your brilliance surpasses that of Einstein. I’m thinking of getting a younger, more spunky cat – a tuxedo cat like Abby. Though I remember something kind of odd, an e-mail to the hitman had these funny numbers at the bottom in response to when the hitman asked Abby when to kill me: 8182011
Hmmm… Maybe Philo T-2000 can crack this mysterious ciphertext…
stuffialmostbought
August 18, 2011
One faithful tip I live by – never help kids with maths homework, especially long division.
I also find that googling for the answer to any homework/general trivia question you are unsure of (when the kids are not looking) and then wowing them with your amazing knowledge – and throw in an extra random tidbit for them so they can wow their friends – works everytime.
flippingchannels
August 19, 2011
I can’t believe how helpful Philo T-2000’s advice was! You should let him answer all of your reader questions from now on. Congratulations on building such an intelligent robot.
Tattoos, love and lunacy...
August 19, 2011
Love it. I would like to ask a question. Let me know 🙂
List of 10
August 21, 2011
Sometimes, the most effective way to prove you are smarter than your children is to graduate high school before they do.