Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel

In the next week I’ll particpate in drafts for both of my fantasy football leagues.  Last year I consistently struggled to find consistent running back production, so I’ll still probably use my first two picks on RBs, although I don’t see a lot of depth at the position, and I wonder how the prolonged holdout of Titans’ running back, Chris Johnson, will affect the draft order since he would otherwise be a guaranteed top three pick. 

Dear Zooey Deschanel,

I wrote that introduction about my fantasy football league so my wife would stop reading.  Talking about fantasy football is also the strategy I use to make her fall asleep at 8:30 so I can let the kids stay up until midnight playing video games with me.  It’s not that she won’t let them stay up late, but she thinks they’re too young to be blasting zombies and is trying to connect their playing of zombie video games with The Fonz’s hobby of waking up during the night and boarding up all our doors and windows.  Every kids needs a hobby, I tell her.

The fantasy football misdirection is a necessary precaution because my wife doesn’t like you, which is a sure sign you’re both attractive and very talented, and I have to pretend I don’t like you either.  If I said I was going dancing with crushes Jane Seymour and Olivia Newton-John, she wouldn’t be jealous or feel threatened, especially because both of them are sixty, but if I said I was meeting Zooey Deschanel, she would probably try and schedule one of the kid’s school performances that night. 

My wife and I think it’s important to maintain friendships as adults and I have a lot of girl friends.  As a rule, I try not to let my girl friends hang out with my wife because they always like her better than they like me, so I always tell them my wife’s secret to keep them on my side: the only reason my wife doesn’t mind us being friends is because she’s not threatened by you at all. 

To my wife, girl friends can be attractive, but they can’t be a double or triple threat: attractive, funny, and smart at the same time.  This is why my wife wouldn’t like us hanging out, Zooey, because you’re attractive, funny, smart, a good actress, and a great singer/songwriter.

You first showed up on my radar when I heard your mesmirizing singing voice in the movie Elf.  Not only do you sing, but you wrote all the songs for your band She and Him; your feel-good first album, Volume 1, is one of the very few pop albums I listen to all the way through again and again and has never come off my playlist.

I know you were named for the protaganist in J.D. Salinger’s Franny and Zooey, but of course this was your parents’ decision and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a fan of Salinger, so I hope it’s okay if I say I think Salinger is a bit overrated.  But if you do like Salinger, my previous comment was a joke, and in actuality I think he’s underrated. 

I love your style.  You always look classy in vintage 60s dresses, stockings, and mary-janes.  You dressed like a quirky version of the women in Mad Men before Mad Men.  One of the most refreshing things about your music videos as compared to most popular female singers is that you’re wearing lots and lots of clothing.  When I see singers in their underwear, flashing cleavage, and grinding up against everything in sight, I’m not offended, I’m just absolutely bored.  Lazy, lazy, lazy.  It takes no imagination to make sultry faces, grab yourself, and show all the lady parts; that’s why it’s so refreshing that you, Zooey, can charm me dressed as a chic librarian in long sleeves and tights.

My friend sent me this clip of you singing I Put a Spell on You on Conan.  If anyone doesn’t fall in love with you after watching this, they could only be a robot.