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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Busting the Baby Boom
I like kids but I don’t like babies. Babies have always struck me as insincere, like cats. Babies and cats are both cute but you get the feeling the cuteness is all an act to trick you into feeding them and overlooking their ruining of leather furniture. When a friend visits our house with a […]
Posted in: Family
Let Me Be Your Motivational Antagonist
April 30, 2012
It’s kind of a big day around here. After three long years, and an immeasurable amount of hours not paying enough attention to me and not giving me enough compliments, my wife finished her masters thesis. We’ve been celebrating all day as though Mrs. Greatsby had accomplished something significant, although I feel I’m the one […]
Posted in: Family
Boyfriend Goes Hog Wild
April 27, 2012
A Florida man on a hunting trip accidentally shot his girlfriend in the leg when he mistook her for a hog. When she woke up, I wonder how that conversation went. “What happened? Did you shoot me?” “Baby, I promise it was an accident; from a distance you looked just like a hog.” “Can I hold […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
The Not So Secret Service
April 25, 2012
Turns out the Secret Service isn’t so good at keeping secrets. You’ve probably heard about the Secret Service prostitution scandal resulting in many agents being fired after reports surfaced of agents employing the services of prostitutes during a trip to Colombia. The trouble started after one agent woke up the next morning and decided he […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
My Model Children
April 23, 2012
On Friday I asked if any readers had theories on the origins of this photo since I admitted I only recognized my son The Fonz, had never met the other three people in my life, and had no idea where the picture was taken. Did I forget to mention my children are models? I probably […]
Posted in: Family
The Fonz’s Birthday Revue Review
April 20, 2012
The Fonz called his 8th birthday his best ever. He started the day bounding down the steps while singing, “Giddy-eight, giddy-eight, giddy-eight, eight, eight!” to the tune of the William Tell Overture. We managed a fair amount of teasing, including telling him we had hired a ‘mathematician’ for his party after mishearing his request of […]
Posted in: Family
Happy Birthday, Apollo Fonzarelli #2
April 18, 2012
In our family, my wife and I show our love through teasing, because it’s a lot faster than helping with homework or taking them to the dentist. I tease the ones I love, which is why my wife should take comfort in knowing I never tease the women I flirt with at the gym. When […]
Posted in: Family
Strangers on a Train–Not Strangers for Long
April 16, 2012
I saw this picture of a crowded train of Muslims heading home for a religious festival. At first I felt bad they had to ride in such uncomfortable conditions, but I heard the in-train entertainment featured an outstanding stand-up comedian and the time just flew by: Hello, ladies and gentleman, I know I’m supposed to […]
Posted in: Columns
Things I Hope People Will Say About Me After I Die
April 13, 2012
Whatever happened to the guy who used to sit in the corner and would always hit on my wife while I was in the bathroom? Sorry kids, but a customer died this week, and because of his bar tab there won’t be any Christmas this year. Every day I regret not telling Paul how much […]
Posted in: Columns
Better Living Through Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
April 11, 2012
Dear Mrs. Greatsby, I’ve seen the way you look when you see a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Your eyes brighten, you break out in a smile, and I think to myself, “Why doesn’t her face light up like that when she sees me?” Before we were married I hoped someday you’d learn to feel the […]
Posted in: Family
Can I Do You a Favor?
April 9, 2012
Let me know if you ever need a favor, especially if the favor is easy and doesn’t take much time. And don’t be surprised if I someday call in that favor. And don’t be surprised if the favor I ask is difficult and takes a long time. And don’t be surprised if I ask for […]
Posted in: Columns
The Fonz Needs an Empathy Transplant
April 6, 2012
Yesterday I took the boys out to eat and my seven-year-old, The Fonz, asked how transplants worked. I explained that you could give someone one of your two kidneys and could survive with just one. My ten-year-old, Optimist Prime, turned to The Fonz and said, “If you needed a kidney to save your life, I’d […]
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May 2, 2012
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