Things I Hope People Will Say About Me After I Die

Posted on April 13, 2012


Whatever happened to the guy who used to sit in the corner and would always hit on my wife while I was in the bathroom?

Sorry kids, but a customer died this week, and because of his bar tab there won’t be any Christmas this year.

Every day I regret not telling Paul how much he meant to me…because then he might have left me something in his will.

Didn’t anyone read the book club selection this month? Didn’t we used to have a guy who actually read the book? You know, the guy we all gave dirty looks?

Now I can finally marry for love!

My car is getting such great gas mileage now. The police must have finally caught that guy who was siphoning gas.

I just knew he’d find a way to get out of the family reunion.

Now whose success am I going to resent?

We’ve had the worst luck since Paul died. All our plants died within a week of his death. And all our pets within two.

I was just calling to make sure you hadn’t switched to a new vending machine repairman. It seems your office used to call us at least once a week because of that guy who kept getting his arm stuck in the door.

No! No! Why god? Why did you have to take Paul? Why do you always take the ones who owe me money?

Now who’s going to buy all these smoking jackets?

Posted in: Columns