Whatever happened to the guy who used to sit in the corner and would always hit on my wife while I was in the bathroom?
Sorry kids, but a customer died this week, and because of his bar tab there won’t be any Christmas this year.
Every day I regret not telling Paul how much he meant to me…because then he might have left me something in his will.
Didn’t anyone read the book club selection this month? Didn’t we used to have a guy who actually read the book? You know, the guy we all gave dirty looks?
Now I can finally marry for love!
My car is getting such great gas mileage now. The police must have finally caught that guy who was siphoning gas.
I just knew he’d find a way to get out of the family reunion.
Now whose success am I going to resent?
We’ve had the worst luck since Paul died. All our plants died within a week of his death. And all our pets within two.
I was just calling to make sure you hadn’t switched to a new vending machine repairman. It seems your office used to call us at least once a week because of that guy who kept getting his arm stuck in the door.
No! No! Why god? Why did you have to take Paul? Why do you always take the ones who owe me money?
Now who’s going to buy all these smoking jackets?
The Good Greatsby 
1pointperspective
April 13, 2012
Ah Greatsby, we hardly knew ye
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 13, 2012
Good one.
Michelle Gillies
April 13, 2012
Clever Lad.
susielindau
April 13, 2012
Hahaha! “Well now that Paul is gone, I can clean my computer screen since I will no longer spit my coffee with uproarious laughter every time I read his blog.”
So morbid for a lovely Friday the 13th! Don’t walk under any ladders…..
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2012
I stayed in bed all day, just to avoid the chance of any ladders or black cats.
thoughtsappear
April 13, 2012
I wonder what Zooey Deschanel will say.
gojulesgo
April 13, 2012
I think she’ll be too upset to speak.
Rob Rubin
April 14, 2012
I tweet with her regularly. I’ll ask her. I’m pretty sure it’s her. After all, her picture is on her profile page.
mistyslaws
April 13, 2012
No Paul. Tell your wife that NOW she needs to marry for money. The second marriage should always be for money. I thought everyone knew that.
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2012
But she married me for my money. Unfortunately she had a very poor estimation of what constituted a lot of money.
Carl D'Agostino
April 13, 2012
That conniving schemer Carl with probably con God into letting back for another 10 years.
bearmancartoons
April 13, 2012
Where the hell did your father leave the insurance policy?
gerknoop
April 14, 2012
LOLOLOL!!!
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
April 14, 2012
Since you brought up smoking jackets, I was wondering if you have nicotine patches sewed onto the elbows to make the look even MORE distinguished?
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2012
Great idea. I can give other people a nicotine hit when I jab them with my elbows.
Hippie Cahier
April 14, 2012
I’ve been meaning to tell you how much you mean to me. . .
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2012
Your timing is perfect. I was just making out my will today.
pegoleg
April 14, 2012
No, no. It’s ok to take the Caption Contest idea. Like he’s going to need it now??
georgettesullins
April 14, 2012
Oh no…he’s gone to join the fish, Aunt “What was her name?”
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2012
Our dearly departed fish were named Aunt Agatha and Aunt Dahlia.
Laura
April 14, 2012
I guess he wasn’t kidding about needing that kidney.
Thomas Stazyk
April 14, 2012
Oh, no, does this mean no more caption contest?
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2012
Maybe I’ll allow readers to compete to caption my headstone.
Ricky Anderson
April 14, 2012
My roses look fantastic!
I’m so glad we buried Paul in the back yard.
Spectra
April 14, 2012
He showed his impeccable good taste by dying young. Dying any later in life, and leaving behind a significantly aged and wrinkled corpse would have ruined the whole funeral for us.
HoaiPhai
April 15, 2012
…and he did so much for single mothers… he helped them get their start. [thanks, Steve Martin]
Betsy Andrews Etchart
April 15, 2012
Now the ukulele’s mine. All mine!
subWOW
April 15, 2012
Chinese: We can finally start using correct English since that guy who paid us money to make funny signs is dead.
subWOW
April 15, 2012
(I have to say, every time I am here, I feel this tremendous performance anxiety. Your blog attracts the wittiest commenters I have seen. It’s a contest here always. Amazing!)
She's a Maineiac
April 15, 2012
Paul is dead. Hmm…seems I’ve heard that somewhere before. Must check my old record album covers for clues.
answerseeker
April 16, 2012
So sorry I never had chance to meet before he went. Now we never will.
k8edid
April 16, 2012
Okay boys, it’s off to the orthodontist we go…
spilledinkguy
April 16, 2012
And now,
Vin Diesel would like to say a few words…
Dana
April 17, 2012
… and by “a few”, I mean Vin Diesel actually knows a total of five words (judging by his lines in movie classics such as 2 Fast 2 Furious). He will now say these five words in Paul’s memory, RIP. 😉
qwinkly3
April 17, 2012
The name is “God”, paul.
ajg
April 17, 2012
For me: “Hey, does anyone else feel shorter since Andrew died?”
“We don’t laugh as much since Andrew died… in that fiery car crash with our Three Stooges DVDs in the trunk.”
“It turns out, Andrew really DID have a disease that kept him from being smarter and more athletic that most people.”