The Not So Secret Service

Posted on April 25, 2012


Turns out the Secret Service isn’t so good at keeping secrets. You’ve probably heard about the Secret Service prostitution scandal resulting in many agents being fired after reports surfaced of agents employing the services of prostitutes during a trip to Colombia.

The trouble started after one agent woke up the next morning and decided he would only pay $30 for services rendered instead of the $700 that had been agreed upon while he was drunk. The two argued and the police were called.

Getting caught with a prostitute is obviously an ignominious way to be kicked out of the agency, but getting caught because you haggled with a prostitute seems even worse.

And I’m not sure the prostitute comes out looking so good either. You might think all the publicity would be good for business, but if a customer agrees to $700 before, and thinks he can get you down to $30 after, that’s not exactly meeting in the middle and doesn’t reflect positively on the services rendered.

The agent in question will also have a hard time convincing his wife this was the first time, because he seemed awfully convinced of the sober going rate for services.

Haven’t you always wondered what those secret service agents were hearing when they placed their hand to their ear?

“She tried to raise the price afterwards but I stood my ground. On principle.”

“We weren’t arguing over the bill. We were arguing over the receipt. Taxes were due the following week and I wanted to write it off.”

“I tried to use a credit card but you wouldn’t believe the international exchange fees.”

“Unfortunately, the souvenir snow globe I promised to bring my wife cost exactly $670. That’s the cost of being a good husband.”

The Secret Service’s loss of prestige joins a long list of institutions that inspired quiet awe as a child but withered under closer scrutiny as an adult.

It starts with the discovery that Santa is a fraud.

Then you learn most adults don’t know what they’re doing.

Then you learn airport security wasn’t really checking anything at all, but scared fliers with the illusion they checked everything.

Then you learn the police are almost nothing like the detectives on CSI. Unless there’s a video tape of your bike being stolen, a confession, and a really bad lawyer involved, the police have a hard time even pretending to be interested in your plight.

Then you learn the CIA devised an elaborate plan to poison Castro to make his beard fall out because it would cause him to lose face and inspire the Cuban people to revolt. I’m not making this up.

I fear what respected institution might be taken down a notch next:

Babies: At what point will people realize babies are useless. Sure they’re cute, but so’s a puppy, and at least a puppy will chase a ball.

Puppies: At what point will people realize puppies grow into not-as-cute dogs. Sure puppies start cute, but so do babies, and at least babies don’t lick their own bottoms.

Fireworks: Did you know every country celebrates patriotism with fireworks? The next time you see a 4th of July celebration, remember those fireworks were made in China and the same fireworks are used in every country to symbolize being the absolute best.

Exercise: Is it possible scientists will discover that hearing other people drone on about their new exercise program might be causing the listener to gain weight?