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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Your William and Kate Royal Wedding Etiquette Guide
I checked my mailbox every day, but the invitation to William and Kate’s wedding never arrived. I assume my name was on the bubble, but when Elton John heard about my ability to turn every wedding reception into Paul’s personal karaoke party he was afraid I’d steal some of his thunder. Still, I’m excited for […]
Posted in: Advice
Practical Jokes that Go too Far–Part 3
April 27, 2011
If you read my previous two posts Practical Jokes that Go Too Far Part 1 and Part 2, you remember my friend Todd was the frequent target of my pranks, and a profoundly poor sport. Many readers had a hard time believing Todd would still be my friend after tricking him into believing: 1. His […]
Posted in: Columns
Waste Your Time Reading About Time-Wasting Robots
April 26, 2011
Read aloud in an ominous voice: The time-wasting robot invasion is at hand. First we were told robots would be our servants and make modern living easier, allowing humans more free time for recreation and family. And how did we spend this free time? I spent it watching TV and movies about people recreating and […]
Posted in: Columns
New Holiday Mascots Who May Give the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus a Run for Their Money
April 25, 2011
Listen up, second-tier holidays! If you want to be successful, you’ve got to get your holiday a Santa or an Easter Bunny. Hey Arbor Day, how come nobody remembers your holiday’s date, but kids count down the whole year to Christmas even though there are way more trees than Christians in the world? You know […]
Posted in: Columns
If I’m a Smart Person, Why am I Still Getting Sunburns in My Third Decade of Life?
April 24, 2011
I count myself in that impossible majority who humbly considers themselves above-average in intelligence. But over time the laundry list of chinks in my intelligence armor grows as I make the same mistakes every year of my life. Certain situations only come up once every year or two, and my mind uses the lesson learned […]
Posted in: Columns
What Do You Send As a Thank You Gift When Someone Gives You a $700 Present You Don’t Care About?
April 23, 2011
A neighbor who I’ve waved at once a month for the last three years but whose last name I still don’t know approached and asked if I had plans for the following Sunday. My I’m-about-to-be-asked-to-an-all-day-BBQ-with-people-I-don’t-know radar went off, and I answered as vaguely as possible, “My wife has something she’s excited about maybe doing in […]
Posted in: Columns
Ranking the Karate Kid Villains
April 22, 2011
Check out my guest contribution on educlaytion.com as part of his panel of awesome discussing the 1980s best movie villains. I selected Kreese, Johnny’s karate Sensei in The Karate Kid as the best villain and make a case for him as the movie’s true villain over Johnny. Read my guest contribution, and then come back […]
Posted in: Columns
Veterans of Intergalatic, Civil, and Virginity Wars Unite: Caption Contest Finalists
April 21, 2011
Congratulations to this week’s caption contest finalists, who may remember the day they became finalists as one of the most important moments of their lives, especially if their entire lives had been uneventful disappointments. The winner will receive the following awards: 1. A strong sense of fulfillment. (Disclaimer: You must be the type who fulfills […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
Putting a Hold on Holding Babies: Subtle Schemes to Convince Your Wife to Wait
April 20, 2011
She’s ready to start a family. You’re ready to consider thinking about maybe thinking about starting a family. She sees babies everywhere. You see babes everywhere. She wants a stroller. You want to stroll down to karaoke night at the pub–if she can make it, great! The honeymoon just ended, and she’s already talking about […]
Posted in: Advice
Happy Birthday, Apollo Fonzarelli!
April 19, 2011
Happy birthday to kid #2, The Fonz, who turns seven today! Why do I call him The Fonz? When he was born I filled out two applications for a birth certificate; the first form I showed my wife contained the name we had agreed upon; the second form, the one I didn’t show her, and […]
How to Outflank a Firing: Tips for Preventing Your Impending Dismissal
April 18, 2011
Any minute now you’re going to be fired. You always assumed you were invisible, but somehow your shoddy work, three hour lunches, and questionable Internet surfing have been noticed. Or maybe the company has been laying people off, and you’ll have a hard time defending the necessity of your job because you yourself are unsure […]
Posted in: Advice
Girly of The Daily Hello Wins Caption Contest; Easily Impressed People Take to Streets in Celebration
April 17, 2011
Congratulations to this week’s caption contest winner Girly at thedailyhello. If you love Girly’s captions, you may also love her 1986 disco hit Rollercoaster. Rollercoaster is also a fitting title to describe the incredible range of emotions Girly will experience this week as she revels in the highs of her caption contest success before plummeting […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
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