Listen up, second-tier holidays! If you want to be successful, you’ve got to get your holiday a Santa or an Easter Bunny.
Hey Arbor Day, how come nobody remembers your holiday’s date, but kids count down the whole year to Christmas even though there are way more trees than Christians in the world? You know the answer: Santa Claus.
Allow me to suggest the following additions to the holiday mascot family:
1. Mother’s Day–June Cleaver comes to your house and hides bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon in closets, attics, and the garage–every place the kids make mom hide.
2. Martin Luther King Day–if children go to bed on time for a year, the Sandman comes and sprinkles dreams of tolerance on the children’s pillows. If children do not go to bed on time, parents can accuse them of racism.
3. Presidents’ Day–George Washington comes into your backyard at night and chops down your cherry tree, leaving Hostess Cherry Pies atop the heap of branches.
4. Thanksgiving–during the Detroit Lions football game nobody watches, Peter Pilgrim sneaks into the kitchen and hides small pox vaccinations in the stuffing.
5. Father’s Day–The ghost of Bill Cosby brings good dads a sweater. Average dads get Jello. Bad dads get a chocolate cake missing most of the insides because Bill Cosby ate out the center, stuffed paper towels into the hole, and covered the top with frosting, just like he did once on The Cosby Show despite Clair’s very stern warning to stay away from that chocolate cake. Note: It might be in poor taste to say the ghost of Bill Cosby while Bill Cosby is still living.
6. Election Day–children are taught a valuable lesson in democracy when King George III places a tax on any tea children purchase during voting hours. This holiday tradition will sound more interesting if tea becomes popular again.
7. Independence Day–any furniture or trash you no longer want will be stolen during the night by Nicolas Cage simply by writing on those items: Declaration of Independence.
8. Women’s Equality Day–Hermione Hormone taps men on the shoulder and causes them to cry for no reason, even though they insist they feel fine. (My wife said I could write this, or at least I think she gave me permission. It’s hard to understand the words through the crying.)
9. Arbor Day–children leave their shoes outside the door at night so Ronald Redwood can plant a sapling in those shoes. Unfortunately, the shoes are ruined by the dirt, water, and fertilizer, requiring the parents to buy their children new shoes and making this a holiday tradition shoe retailers can get behind.
10. Earth Day–Mother Earth visits homes on Earth Day Eve and recycles the two tons of artwork each child creates at school to bring attention to Earth Day.