Putting a Hold on Holding Babies: Subtle Schemes to Convince Your Wife to Wait

Posted on April 20, 2011


She’s ready to start a family.  You’re ready to consider thinking about maybe thinking about starting a family.

She sees babies everywhere.  You see babes everywhere.

She wants a stroller.  You want to stroll down to karaoke night at the pub–if she can make it, great!

The honeymoon just ended, and she’s already talking about kids.  Yes, you told her you wanted kids some day, but you forgot to mention you meant in ten to fifteen years, and most likely with your second or third wife.

Of course not all women are baby crazy, but if you’ve managed to end up with one who’s made up her mind she wants kids right now, you can explain your concerns all you want, but she’ll only hear baby noises.  Your only chance of changing her mind is to pretend you want kids even more than she does, and this fake enthusiasm will defray all suspicions when you secretly scheme to give her second thoughts.

1. Every time you say you want children, drop whatever you’re holding.  “I can’t wait to snuggle the little guy,” grab a bag of flour off the counter and cradle it like a baby, “He’s going to be so cute,” and let it slip through your hands and drop onto the floor.  Do this twice a day for a week and your problems are solved.

2. Take her to a carnival, treat her to corn dogs and nachos, then ride one roller-coaster after another until she asks to take a break and you can tell she’s at her most nauseous.  Keep asking if she’s feeling alright while emphasizing the following key words, “Are you feeling alright?  This morning I didn’t notice any signs of sickness.  I hope this sickness doesn’t last until tomorrow morning.”

3. Tell her you love horses and arrange a visit to a local horse stable.   When you arrive the host tells you you’re just in time to see a foal being born.

4. Ask her if she’ll help your sister plan your six year old niece’s birthday party.  No additional sabotage required.  Just let the six year olds do their work.

5. Talk about how you want to be a hands-on dad…like Joe Jackson.

6. Tonight’s the big cocktail party with all of her friends.  What a great time to pick her up in the minivan you’ve borrowed from your friend with kids and tell her you want to buy it.  When you pick up her best friends and they get into the back, just tell them to sweep the smashed crackers off the seat and onto the floor.  It’s also a plus if your friend can give you a couple diapers to leave under the seats.  Make sure and honk the horn a couple times when you arrive at the party so people will come outside and see you all get out of the minivan.

7. Show her you’re completely incapable of taking care of a living thing, no matter how simple.  Buy a puppy, return it after one day and tell her you lost it somewhere in the house.  Buy a parakeet and let it fly away when you take it outside for a walk.  Buy an ant farm, feed the ants chips, and accidentally leave the food slots open so they all escape.  Buy a plant and water it with Coke. 

8. Tell her you don’t understand why people complain about getting up in the middle of the night with babies because 3:00AM is about the time you’ll be getting home from the bar anyway.

9. Tell her you want to babysit your three year old nephew who is potty-training.  Every time he uses the bathroom, and before your wife can check the bathroom results, go in after him and pee on everything.  Get creative and think north, south, east, and west.

Give your scheme #10 in the comments section.

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Posted in: Advice